I know.  Snow snow snow.  I didn’t want to post any more about the snowstorm, but there’s two things I need to say.

1.  Nice headline, WTAE:

NIGHTMARE!

2.  I’m going to burn in hell with pigeons pecking my eyeballs out because I got quite a few chuckles out of this video from WTAE.

You realize, don’t you, that WTAE went and found the slippiest (DING!) sidewalk/intersection they could in downtown Pittsburgh and then they set their camera up there and just waited for people to start falling and BOY, did they hit the candid camera jackpot. I myself have TWICE fallen downtown while trying to navigate icy sidewalks while wearing heels, and I’m pretty relieved there wasn’t a camera crew filming it because I would have bitch-slapped that camera off of its tripod before kicking snow all over the news reporter like she was an ump that made a bad call at home plate.

But yeah, burning in hell for laughing a little.

It’s okay.  I’m a believer in karma and I already know that I’m going to fall on my ass again the next time I’m downtown.

IT’S IN THE BIBLE.  “And she did laugheth at the people who were overcome by the elements and verily, she was smote.”

Category: Local media, Weather | February 8, 2010 | 17 Comments »

1. DID YOU LIVE?!  DID YOU EAT YOUR PETS?!  DID YOU SURF THE GIANT WAVE OF SNOW?!

All kidding aside, holy thundersnowing fog-freezing blizzard, Mother Nature!

What was predicted to be 6-10 inches of snow turned out to be the fourth worst snowstorm in Pittsburgh’s history.

As my friend said:

Somewhere, Jeff Verszyla is hunting my friend down, Demetrius Ivory is playing it cool, but he’s already made some phone calls in retaliation, Joe Denardo is digging out his nunchucks, and Julie Bologna is all, “Does this look sparkly enough?  Is the puce clashing with the magenta or is maybe the fuchsia polka dot pattern clashing with the maroon stripes? Maybe I should take the leopard-print cami off?”

I kid.  I love the weather people here in Pittsburgh.

Forecasting weather is not an exact science, so just once, wouldn’t it be awesome  if a weatherperson got up in front of a very confusing looking map and said, “Guys, I just don’t know.  I DON’T FREAKING KNOW!”

2.  I ran out of milk on Saturday and believe you me, the irony was not lost on me.  That’s what I get for making fun of people who panic. I think God hexed me for that because a gallon of milk usually lasts me a few days, but this magic gallon of milk was gone in double time.  Well played, God.  Well played, indeed.

3.  But if you think Pittsburghers panic, those in Washington D.C. go batshit crazy.

4.  Speaking of batshit crazy, but in a good way, I adore this AccuWeather.com meteorologist that Tall Cathy at 96.1 found:

SNOOOOOOOOOW DAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

5.  A conversation:

Me: You need to shovel the grass.

Him: QUE?!?

Me:  The grass.  When you’re done digging my truck out and shoveling the sidewalk, I need you to shovel a space in the grass for the dogs to go.

Him:  You want me to shovel the grass?!

Me: They haven’t pooped in a day and if you don’t shovel them a space to do it, they’ll poop in the house.

Him: They better not if they know what’s good for them.

Me:  Would YOU poop if it meant you had to stand naked up to your genitals in snow?

Him: [blink] [walks away]

Me: [calling after him] Hey!  Say focus for me!

I win.

6.  My son, yesterday after getting in the car after a Super Bowl party.

“My favorite season is Summer, then Spring, then Fall.  When are we going to Mexico?”

7.  Do you ever watch Bridezillas?  That show that showcases brides who scream things like, “MY LIPSTICK IS BLEEDING, YOU SON OF A BITCH!” or “MY BOUQUET WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE SIX BIRDS OF PARADISE AND FIVE WHITE ROSES YET I SEE SIX WHITE ROSES AND FIVE BIRD OF PARADISE.  I WILL CHOKE A BITCH!” or “DIE, FATHER!  YOU TOO, SISTER MARY CLARENCE!”

Here’s a nice contrast to that. A Pittsburgh bride whose winter wedding was thrown into chaos by a storm.  She maintains her calm and keeps things in perspective.

I love everything about the article.  I love her family.  I love her Dad.  I love her.  I love how beautiful she looks with her new husband.  I love the military aspect of it.  And I really want to see her diamond snowflake necklace.

Hugs to her.

8.  Mayor Lukey was stranded in the Laurel Highlands where he was celebrating his 30th birthday.  Too bad he wasn’t around to see just how badly he lost the war against snow.

9.  Good news!

SNOW SEX!

That sounds … cold.  And shrively.

Category: Local media, Weather | February 8, 2010 | 28 Comments »

As you are aware, the world is ending tonight and Pittsburgh will cease to exist as we know it, and if you’re so flexibly inclined, you may want to bend over and kiss your ass goodbye before your house collapses under the weight of the Great Destroyer Blizzard of Annihilation 2010.

As my mother said when she called me this morning, “Do you need to go to the store?  Did you go to the store?  I sent your father to the store if you need him to pick up anything for you.  Do you need him to get you anything? Did you kiss your ass goodbye yet?  I love you.  God help us all. Stay strong.”

No, this is actually NOT another post about how hilarious Pittsburgh people act when hearing of approaching snow, and how the local media are all THIS IS A DISASTER OF ATOMIC PROPORTIONS WE’RE SEEING APPROACHING THE CITY OF PITTSBURGH.  God bless Jeff Verszyla who remains calm at all times on twitter, simply informing his followers of how much snow they can expect, when and if they might want to alter travel plans, and also to chill the eff out.  It’s winter.

The reason for this post is to let you know that while Las Velas is still open tonight for Happy Hour and regular dinner service, because my husband NEVER closes that restaurant for any reason other than holidays even if it means hiring a sled and a team of dogs to get him to town and then sleeping on the floor of his office, we do care about the safety of the Mariachi Band that is traveling from out of state.  Therefore, Mariachi Night, which was supposed to be tonight will instead be TOMORROW night.  Just in time for the snow to end and for you to be all, “I HAVE GOT TO GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE BEFORE I COOK MY PETS! WHY DIDN’T I GO TO THE GROCERY STORE?!”

So join me tomorrow night from 6-9 for Mariachi Night.  I’ll be behind the bar while my husband tallies up the damage I do to his bottom line.

Also, you have got to go watch this video at KDKA to first, laugh your ass off at the video in general, but also to see that they interviewed a woman in front of the toilet paper display at Giant Eagle.

Why does the media only do this with snow storms?  Why don’t they hit CVS during a spring downpour all, “As you can see, lots of folks in here buying umbrellas today and with more rain on the way, you can expect the galoshes supply to start running short.”

Or maybe during a heat wave, “As you can see, lot of folks in here stocking up on lip balm, sunglasses, and sunscreen in an effort to prevent themselves from bursting into flames.  Ma’am? Ma’am?  I can see you have thrown some SPF 30 lip balm into your cart there.  Do you think that will be enough to stop your lips from crisping black and falling off of your face?”

Oh, hell.  This became a weather post after all.  See you tomorrow!

Sexy update: WTAE is LIVE BLOGGING THE SNOW STORM.

THEY ARE LIVE BLOGGING SNOW!

I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING BECAUSE OF HOW RIDICULOUS THIS IS!

Things really ramped up here; snow is now laying on the grass and starting to very lightly lay on interstates/state roads.

I also can’t stop laughing at how hilarious this is.

Category: Eye rolls, Local media, Weather | February 5, 2010 | 80 Comments »

1.  Some ways I’ve recently discovered that I must be a great mom:

• My toddler daughter runs screaming from the room when Yo Gabba Gabba comes on.
• She has taken a sudden interest in my collection of Calvin and Hobbes books.
• She knows almost all the words to “My Life Would Suck Without You” and “Don’t Rain on My Parade.”
• She has lately taken to diving onto the floor, then popping up into the air while shouting, “BAZINGA!”

I win.

Of course, she also rules the house with an iron fist clenching a naked Barbie and has been known to make her older brother cry by smacking him with a fly swatter.  So, I break even?

2.  The Pittsburgh Comet has burned out as Bram walks away from his politics blog.  Here’s hoping he comes back soon.

3.  Jim Lokay is taking over the Does it Really Do That?! consumer reporting on KDKA, a role formerly filled by the late, great Yvonne Zanos.  I think Jim will do a fantastic job, particularly because he realizes something very important.

“You want to focus on the subjects and I’m gonna kind of lay low and let the products and the people speak for themselves,” Mr. Lokay said. “Interaction is what made it work with Yvonne and hopefully we can keep that going in some respects.”

Tonight, he’s testing the Twin Draft Guard.  I have one in my kitchen, and from my experience, IT TOTALLY DOES THAT!

4.  Here’s a question … how does Rob Owen decide when to shorten “going to” to “gonna” when quoting someone?  Does he listen for a specific lack of a break between the two words?  And will he soon decide if someone said “Did you” or “Didja?”  I can’t wait until the word “prolly” shows up in the newspaper.

5.  Heinz unveiled a new ketchup packet today that’s bigger and allows you to dip, rather than squeeze.

This is HUGE!

Having children, you quickly realize how ridiculously stupid a ketchup packet is.  Ever had young children eating french fries in the back seat of your car during a road trip?  Have you ever, like me, resorted to squeezing a line of ketchup onto an individual french fry and then carefully passing that french fry to your child in the back seat over and over again like a slave feeding a master?  Or like Daniel Sepulveda feeding me grapes while David Conrad fans me with a giant palm branch and Matt Lamanna reads to me from the Journal of Paleontology and I feign interest but really I’m thinking, “Why are you wearing a shirt?”

Whoa.  I haven’t gone there in ages.  Anyways, the size of the old packets? Who uses such a small spit of ketchup other than maybe Jerry Mouse?

This new packet is much better and now if we can just convince the sugar-substitute packet makers to double the amount in their packets, we could probably save a rain forest of trees.

Look at me, being all earthy.  You’re welcome, Earth.

6.  Reader Sara, a mother of four, is shaving her head for St. Baldrick’s while raising money to fight childhood cancer.  She has raised over $500 toward her $5,000 goal.  Go check her page out and read why she decided to shave her head and be sure to browse through some of the adorable kids she’s doing this for. If you can, why not contribute a few dollars to her goal?

IT’S FOR SICK KIDS!

7.  The European owners of Sandcastle and Kennywood hate America. Terrorists.

Okay, that’s oversimplification, but seriously, Sandcastle is standing in the way of the Great Allegheny Bike Passage.

Not cool.

(h/t Sooska)

8.  A 74-year-old woman beat away a would-be robber who tried to steal her purse:

Grace said the woman had a scarf wrapped around the lower half of her face, so she wasn’t able to get a good description of her attacker. But she told Cipriani the woman had “evil” in her eyes.

Well, with the only descriptor being THAT, I don’t think the composite artist is going to have much luck.

“How’s this?  Does this look like your attacker’s eyes?”

“Can you make them MORE evil?  Like maybe have some lasers shooting out of the eyeballs or something? Also, can you give her devil horns?”

But still, take a lesson.  Evil responds to being beaten by a loaf of bread.

Category: David Conrad, Local media, Matt Lamanna, Steelers | tags: Daniel Sepulveda, David Conrad, Matt Lamanna, Pittsburgh Steelers | February 4, 2010 | 20 Comments »

Yesterday at the Pitt/WVU basketball game, things got out of hand when WVU fans began throwing things onto the court, at one point hitting a Pitt assistant coach in the face with a coin, prompting the WVU coach to ask for some, you know, CLASS:

If you take to twitter to see what fans are saying, some WVU fans are claiming that their sister’s boyfriend said it was a Pitt fan that threw the item at the Pitt coach.  Other WVU fans are saying that Pitt should suck it up because things like this happen all the time and it’s no big deal.

Pitt fans are pissed and rightfully so.  But some are taking it WAY too far:

If your response to WVU fans’ lack of class is to TRUMP it with even more classless behavior, you really lose any right you had to be angry in the first place.  This is like going to the trailer park and shouting, “OMG.  YOU PEOPLE HAVE NO CLASS!  LOOK AT YOUR TOILET IN YOUR YARD!  LOOK AT YOUR SHEETS IN THE WINDOWS!  LOOK AT YOUR MANGY DOG!  I’M GOING TO GO NOW AND MAKE OUT WITH MY SISTER IN THE BACKSEAT OF MY TRUCK! YOU KNOW, THE TRUCK WITH THE GIANT CONFEDERATE FLAG ON IT?! YOU STAY CLASSY, LOSERS!”

Here’s a question.  Why can’t Pitt fans say, “Yeah, you beat us pretty soundly.  In fact, I would go so far as to say that you SPANKED us like a dominatrix hooker, but a lot of your fans were assholes and that is NOT okay,” and why can’t WVU fans just say, “Yeah, our fans got out of hand and I’m not proud of them, but holy Lord, did we smite your asses like a plague.”

There’s nothing wrong with saying either of those things because they are BOTH true statements.  And rivalry should be fun.   Rivalry is going to a Steelers game with a Browns fan and talking smack to each other the entire time.  Rivalry is getting up in someone’s face and shouting, “HAH!  Suck it, loser!” and then buying that guy a beer.

Life is way too short–  There is way too much suffering– There is entirely too much tearing down and falling down in this world to take something like a basketball game so seriously that you throw things, chant obscenities, throw out homophobic slurs, or wish anyone dead.

And Pitt fans, WVU is coming here on February 12th for a rematch.  On our turf.  Show them that you’re better than foul-mouthed, coin-throwing clowns.  Show them your Pitt pride but do it in a way that makes PITTSBURGH proud. Don’t take the bait no matter how delicious and squiggly and chock full o’ guts that worm looks.

Ignore the worm.  Savor the win.  And do it with some class.

(h/t Mikey and Big Bob)

Category: Random | February 4, 2010 | 32 Comments »