Helen’s Pants are on FIRE!

Folks, I had really hoped my last entry on scientology (Oh. my. God. Please tell me I did NOT capitalize “scientology” in my entry about the donuts. Pleasepleaseplease. Be right back while I go check. Whew!) would be my last. As you know, I live in fear of them and every weird word associated with them (thetan, audit, assist, Hubbard, clear).

So I must say “darn it” with as much passion as I can muster that local scientologist Helen Campbell wrote a “rebuttal” in today’s PG. Grr. Make me read it why don’t you HELEN!

I decided to do some Internet research, because, like, you know EVERYTHING on the Internet it TRUE right?!

The first statement Helen made that jumped out at me was her claim that:

“Dianetics” is the No. 1 best-selling self-help book of all time, and still appears on best-seller lists 55 years after its publication with over 25 million copies sold.

That should be pretty easy to verify right? So I get to work on this Internet-doohicky and what do I find? Liar liar pants on big fat fire HELEN!

According to my research, there are a few books billed as the best-selling self-help book of all time, and one of them is NOT “Dianetics”. They are either Stephen Covey’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People” or “The Road Less Traveled” by M. Scott Peck. In fact the ONLY sites I could find calling”Dianetics” the “#1 blahbittyblahblahblah” were scientology sites.

A little more research and we find this on Detroit’s scientology webpage:

In 1988, Publishers Weekly awarded Dianetics its prestigious “Century Award” for more than 100 weeks on its bestseller list, officially designating it the No 1 best-selling self-help book of all time.

Oh, it was the best-selling self-help book of all time back in 19 freaking 88. Hey scientology people?! If I was the oldest living person at 105 and I die, guess what? I ain’t the oldest living person anymore. Statistics are funny that way. Gah.

And also, did you know that Narconon rocks so much that they:

have a documented success rate of nearly 80 percent of graduates never returning to lives of addiction — the highest in the field.

Funny, I found this right here in the Burgh:

Even Narconon occasionally appears to find it difficult to back up its own claims – when it sought to repudiate a critic in Stuttgart, Germany, in 1993 it was unable to provide any evidence to support its claims of efficacy, leading the administrative court to conclude that “The papers filed by the petitioner offer no evidence of a successful drug withdrawal at the petitioner.”

And also, readers, please don’t think that Helen wrote a majority of this letter. It is canned scientology language. Pick a phrase that stands out, say “calming oil on troubled waters”, and Google it.

I learned very well in my studies of past how easy it is to lie with statistics and the scientologists seem to have perfected the art. Just throwing out stat after incredible stat with absolutely no proof. I for one would LOVE to see a list of these 5,200 churches, missions, and groups in more than 156 countries, because their webpage church locator sure doesn’t seem to include that many.

Hey Helen? Please, don’t call me. For real.


  1. Rob
    August 15, 2005 10:19 pm

    According to Dianetics, what’s the cause of most birth defects and miscarriages?

    I’m surprised they don’t publicize that more…

  2. s
    August 16, 2005 11:24 am

    I walk past their ‘store’ most days on my way to lunch. A few days the actually have the “Stop in” curb sign pointing into the street. Seriously.

    They also always seem to glare at my friends and I as we walk by. Usually because we start discussing who was the courage to walk in and say something like “I’m an alien. Worship me”, or “When will Tom Cruise be making an appearance”

    Remember though:
    Religion is just a successful cult!

  3. pittgirl
    August 16, 2005 12:02 pm

    Death rays, I tells ya! Death rays. I am scared if I walk by they will lure me in, put those suction cup thingies on my head, and then (gasp!) AUDIT me!

  4. pittgirl
    August 16, 2005 12:02 pm

    Also? Please try to get a picture of that store sign. That just rocks.

  5. s
    August 18, 2005 11:09 am

    I’ll see what I can do about the sign

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