In an effort to continue my mission to get Burghers on reality shows, and in the off chance that you only get your news from The Burgh Blog, you should be aware of the following reality auditions here in the Burgh:
What: The Bachelor, PARIS!
When: Today from 4-8 p.m.
Where: The Galleria, near Entry 4
Who: If you want to be The Bachelor you will need: the application form, semi-good looks, the ability to use lots of words to say absolutely nothing, the willingness to makeout — complete with tongue close-ups — on camera with lots of airheaded cat-fighting famewhores, smarm, the ability to repeatedly use words like “soulmate” and “connection” ad nauseum, wealth, and a body you are willing to show the world while either hot-tubbing or showering with the “girls.” Did I just describe you?!? Then get your hot, rich butt over there!
Now, if you want to be a Bachelorette vying for the above person, you will need: the application form, any look (there have been drop dead gorgeous to just plain ugly bachelorettes), a body that you don’t mind showing the world, the willingness to be dumped in The. Most. Dramatic. Rose. Ceremony. EVAH!, a good bitch face, a hint of desperation, the willingess to enter the “fantasy suite,” have casual sex, and then hear him tell the world about it because you know your ass will be dumped if you turn him down. Did I just describe you?!? Then go get help…er, I mean get your bitchy butt over there!
What: The Real World (Do not freak out. It will not be the Real World: Pittsburgh. They are recruiting all over the country for the next edition of The Real World.)
When: Sept. 20, 10 a.m. to 5 p.m.,
Where: Boomerang’s Bar and Grill, 3909 Forbes Ave., in Oakland
Who: You must be 18-24, have a photo ID and a picture of yourself as well as the following: be incredibly hot, like being naked on camera, willingness to make out with your female roommates about eight hours after you first lay eyes on them (this goes for both boys and girls, girls moreso than boys), willingness to have sex on camera and have your roommates watch while laughing at you, lots of emotional baggage, multiple personality disorders are a plus, willingness to be drunk every day and complain on camera that your boss making you be at work by 11:00 a.m. is such a DRAG, MUST be messy as hell . . . neat people will not be considered, and finally, be willing to have fist fights or cat fights on camera.
Good luck Burghers!