Ding ding! We have a winner!

Remember when I told you about The Bachelor auditions here in the Burgh? I think we found us a local winner. Can we please get a petition going to get this girl on the show? She’s perfect! From the Trib:

As a television producer ushered Bethany, 25, of Irwin, back to an interview room, she self-consciously adjusted her black cocktail dress.

“This is really humiliating,” Guzzo said. “I feel like everyone’s like, ‘Dude, that’s girl’s single and she’s got to go on TV to find a man.'”

Guzzo, who definitely does not need a television appearance to score a date, brushed her long blond hair behind her shoulder and braced for delivery. She’d have 90 seconds to plead her way onto the nationally broadcast dating show.

“I’ve been in the bar scene, I’ve seen it, I’m over it. I’m spunky. I’m accident-prone — I’ve had seven concussions in my life. I’m a dork,” Guzzo said, ticking off the reasons why she would want to be a contestant on “The Bachelor,” why the show’s producers would want to cast her and why a man would want to date her.

“I hope you got my boobs, it’s my best feature,” she said as the cameraman clicked off the tape.

Bethany? Let me count the ways you are awesome:
1. You use the word “dude”
2. You are a clumsy dork, yet the reporter obviously thinks you’re hot
3. You fully understand that big boobs surpass personality when it comes to “The Bachelor”

It’s perfect. I mean, she’s proud of her boobs, so likely she’ll be cast and edited as the floozy. She’ll find herself in the hot tub with the stud on the first night, the shower on the second. She’s clumsy so she’ll probably slip and fall in the shower and the stud will be all concerned and furrow his brow while he tells the camera that he felt a “connection” when he saw her lying on the floor of the shower stall holding her bleeding head. He’ll rush her to the emergency room and she’ll tell the camera how he’s her soulmate and she’ll scratch out the other girls’ eyes to get him. The other girls will say she’s a bitch and that her boobs are fake. The stud will sleep with her in the fantasy suite, as well as another woman the next day, but will ultimately pick Bethany. Bethany and stud will have a “fairytale” wedding on ABC and then become famewhores who do ANYTHING to cling to their 15 minutes of fame, including, but not limited to the following: dance shows, ice skating shows, any show with the words “kill” and/or “reality” in them, commercials for erectile dysfunction pills, etc. Eventually they will get divorced and Bethany will show up on the Surreal Life looking 15 years older than she did three years ago and wondering how she ended up living in a house with Star Jones-Reynolds, Kevin Federline, Dick Butkus, and the kid that played the youngest son on Step-by-Step.

Yeah, I have a crystal ball, baby.


  1. blee1
    September 19, 2005 5:26 pm

    Don’t worry about her future… get me the tape where she shows her boobs!

    Again.. the elusive “hot” pittsburgher rears its head and I am no where to be found…

    Ah well.. back to the X in Shadyside… they tend to herd there…

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    October 16, 2005 1:52 am

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