That's Church

From the PG:
This raises a few questions with me:

• How do you steal a porch swing and no one sees you do it?
• Who steals a porch swing?
• Who steals a large, rusted, broken porch swing with chipped paint?
• Who puts a reward for information leading to the recovery of such a porch swing and pays money to have it listed in the PG?

The only answer is that there is a map to a hidden treasure carved into the flats. The only answer.