Dear Trib. Love, PittGirl.

Dearest Trib,

That’s IT?!?!

You are going to have an article about a woman that protested naked in Market Square today and that is ALL you are going to tell us?

I got the who, the what, the when, the where, and the why. But Trib Trib Trib! You forgot the all important HOW! There is so much I don’t know.

  • I’d like to know if this naked person had a good figure or if she had flaps and flaps of cottage cheese all over the place. Did people eating at Primanti’s suddenly begin vomiting coleslaw and french fries when they saw her?
  • I’d like to know if anyone confused this with traveling live art from the SPACE gallery, cause you KNOW this is just right up their alley.
  • I’d like to know if she planned this for today specifically, or if she just went today because it was pretty sunny and warm out there. I’d like to know if she had a farmer’s tan.
  • I’d like to know if she was arrested.
  • I’d like to know HOW naked was she?
  • I’d like to know what the vagrants that mill about Market Square thought of her “protest.”
  • I’d like to know why she thinks people seeing a naked person is going to make them want to do ANYTHING other than say, “Hey look, there is a naked person with fake scars on her body.” I don’t think anyone is going to look at her and go, “Hey look, there is a naked person, and suddenly I am concerned that the circus is mistreating elephants.”
  • I’d like to know if the Jews for Jesus tried to intervene by handing her a blue pamphlet.
  • I’d like to know if she emptied out the Circle Bar because the guys in there heard “naked” and “chains” and just had to investigate en masse.

There are countless other questions that should have been answered for readers like me that like to be informed about matters such as these that affect our fine city and its residents. Especially those matters that concern naked people in Market Square during lunch hour.

I trust that my constant linking to your articles and my constant stealing of your images lends me a certain amount of power over there at the Trib. I also trust that the next naked person in Market Square is going to be met by a Trib reporter who will painstakingly take down every detail he can for PittGirl, and then will sell shitloads — can I say “shit”? — of awesome photos of the naked person on your website for the bargain price of $135.

Very truly yours,

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