Dearest Tommy Maddox,

Tommy Maddox?

I have heard Hines Ward. He wants us to support you.

I support you. I do. You rock. You rock hard. You’re Tommy Gun! You can throw that ball straight and you can hit those big white numbers “86” right in the dead center. You can. Close your eyes and visualize it.

I am not going to write about how screwed we are and about how you are going to suck. Bad. No. You don’t need that right now. You need encouragement. You need to feel the love of this city. You need not to find burning bags of dog poo on your doorstep right now.

You will not place the ball into the waiting hands of any Raven. Nevermore. You will see everything clearly and in slow motion. You will be given an enormous pocket in which you can throw without fear of a Raven intruding. Nevermore.

The red zone is your friend. You will love it. Embrace it. You will score shitloads of points in it.

Every ball will hit its target; every pass will be complete; every penalty will be on the Ravens; you will not be sacked for a loss; you will not botch a simple snap; you will not hesitate on third and super-long; you will spiral a spiral like a spiral has never spiraled before.

You can do it, Tommy. We can help.

We will be supportive. We will not mock you. We will not boo you as soon as we see the whites of your eyes. We will not call you Tommy “Sucks” Maddox or Tommy “Bites” Maddox anymore. We love you. You can do it Tommy.

If you don’t there’s a flaming bag of dog poo with your name on it.

Very truly yours (especially if you know David Conrad),





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