Monthly Archives: February 2006
“‘Scuse me? Do you have a microwave in which I can heat up this severed penis?”
- filed under Uncategorized
He is seriously obese. If I had to guess, I’d say at least 350 lbs. He’s like … much bigger than John Goodman but smaller than a bus. The problem is that he is so fat that his huge belly pushes up hard against the steering wheel, so that every time he even shifts the wheel ever so slightly, his big belly shifts too. And because he is so massive, he can’t do that cool thing that other bus drivers do when they make a turn … you know, they put one hand heel on top of the steering wheel and then proceed to whip that shit around as fast as they can six times right, then six times left.
No, instead my bus driver has to just inch the steering wheel by holding two hands on the bottom of it. Then inch it back. It takes FOREVER and a day to just turn a corner. We are always behind schedule when he drives.
My question is this … is it wrong of me to want my bus driver to be healthier than this monster is? I am terrified that when the french fries finally get to him and he has his heart attack, which you just know is inevitable, that he will be driving my bus on the Westinghouse Bridge and plunge us over it.
I think there needs to be a weight limit and an age limit for bus drivers so that PittGirl can rest easy that she isn’t going to find herself careening all over the highway while another rider tries to pull up the 600 lb. mammal that is now slumped over the steering wheel with his 300 lb. foot resting on the gas.
I’m going to write a letter.
Also? If you go to Google Images and type “fat,” you will vomit. Seriously. Don’t do it.
Want to see the cutest, the coolest, the most adorable three-year-old Korean to ever visit the Burgh?
I almost died from an overdose of cutie-pie-ness. Hey, it takes some serious machismo to be able to pull off wearing a “Curly Sue” hat like that. Talk about being secure in his masculinity. Maddox Jolie-Pitt has got NOTHING on this little dude.
I want to go find him and pinch his cheeks.
A. An American Idol group sing final pose featuring jazz hands … gone horribly wrong.
B. A tree. A mighty tree. A mighty gay tree.
C. The reason the Pirates will never have a winning season again.
Are you a busy busy Burgher bee whose time is a precious commodity? Do you snip and snip minutes throughout the day in order to ensure you have enough time to complete your tasks? Are continuously hindered in your time-saving efforts due to the incredibly time-consuming task of actually having to swipe your debit card all the way through a card reader? Do you find yourself saying, “I’ll be there in ten minutes. I still have to swipe my card. [sigh]”
You’re in luck!
Citizens Bank is now issuing “contactless” debit cards.
That is a debit card that “allows customers to save time at the register by tapping their cards on special card readers instead of swiping them.”
They consider this a time-saver? It is cool and eventually no one will have to swipe their card, I’m sure. But a TIME-SAVER? Please. If the time saved between swiping a card and tapping a card is more than half a second, I’ll kiss a pigeon on the lips. And you know how I feel about the damn pigeons.
“a new “contactless” payment feature that provides you with a quick and easy way to pay by tapping your payment card on a point-of-sale terminal. You remain in control of your card during the entire transaction”
PittGirl needs this “contactless” payment form. I can’t tell you how many times I’m in Eckerd trying to pay for my soda and I just lose control of my debit card. It’s not pretty.
Also? How is tapping a card on a card reader considered “contactless”? If you have to put the word in quotes every time you write it and air quotes every time you say it … maybe you picked the wrong word.