I hate tax day.
Really really really hate it.
It is a black cloud over my otherwise sunny life. It puts a furrow in my cute brow.
I finally sat down to do my taxes because … and PittGirl is going to give you a rare glimpse into her personal self … I am a procrastinator. There ya go.
I started with the State … take my earnings and multiply by .0307, carry the one, blahblahblah. Cake. Exact amount was withheld by my employer. I am in for a 1 dollar refund dudes! Can you say “KFC Snacker”? Rock on.
On I rocked to the local. Take my earnings and multiply by .01. Cake. I owe money, but I always do so I prepare for it. Next year I won’t owe any because my employer is now withholding it for me. Rock on.
Federal. Lord almighty I hate the IRS. Why can’t ANYTHING be easy? Why can’t they just make it so I take my earnings and multiply it by .1? Huh? Our federal tax code is the dumbest, stupidest thing ever. If you have kids you’re rewarded; if you’re married you are penalized, if you’re poor you don’t pay any taxes and then you get like $4,000 back as a “refund” on money you never spent. I once had an assistant who paid no taxes and each year she would get a check for about $3,500 from the government. She would then run out and spend it immediately on furniture.
I am going to run for freaking president and I will win because I am hot and I will ask Sonni Abatta to be my VP. Then I will have a big party on the White House lawn wherein I will ceremoniously burn the Tax Code, all 7,500 pages of it, and point and laugh at every person that ever had any hand in writing the crap, especially whosever idea it was to write that ludicrous “paperwork reduction notice” that is just a big pile of lies.
Then I will institute a 10% flat tax on every American regardless of if you have zero children or you decide to be an idiot and have 9 children in this day and age. This will encourage people to conceive ONLY as many children as they can afford to support, not mass produce offspring in an effort to get more dependents and a bigger “refund” from the government.
I will use my charms to win over every single idiot in congress that dares to try to vote against my awesome plan.
This rant, while perhaps simplistic and completely undoable, has been quite calming for me, thank you.
Now I’ve got to go and write a big honking check to the federal government on which you KNOW I’m writing “you suck” on the note line.