Last night, with nothing better to watch and being too lazy to watch the many episodes of CSI:Miami (Horatio Caine, yum) and Numb3rs that I’ve got Tivo’d, I somehow ended up on The Freaking Science Channel … or as I now call it, The Channel of Doom.
The jist of this program I watched was that someday in the future, no one knows when, an island in the Canary Islands called Las Palmas is going to fall into the ocean due to a volcanic eruption.
A super scary voiceover dude would say things like, “This would be a natural disaster …” dum-dum-dum “of epic” DUM DUM “proportions.” DUM DUM DUM DAAAAAH.
I swear it. The music and the voice of doom were terrifying.
There was a smarmy British geologist who kept tossing around words like catastrophe, devastation, dis-ahh-ster, ravage, and tragedy in his smarmy accent.
So he tells me that when this island falls into the sea, what is going to happen is a mega-tsunami is going to rush toward the Americas with waves as tall as skyscrapers. The waves will completely wipe out all coastal towns for 12 miles inland, including New York, Boston, and Miami.
This was all done with more super scary music, images of horrible traffic jams, and scary voiceover guy telling me that while there will be 8 hours to warn people, that isn’t enough time to evacuate people.
It was about this point that I curled up into the fetal position and started muttering gibberish.
Near the end, the voiceover man told me not to cancel my vacation plans, because it may take another century or so before it happens. Or maybe several centuries.
Just when I was starting to feel a little bit better about my pending vacations to North Carolina and Mexico, the final words of scary voiceover man were: “It’s not a matter of if this mega tsunami will strike the Americas, it is a matter of when.”
DUM DUM DUM DAAAAAH!
I hate the Science Channel and that was my first and last time watching it. I don’t care if Matt Lamanna gets his own “Hot Dinosaur Man” show on it … well, yes I do.
But man, if you live in Miami or Boston or New York and you hear that the volcano on Las Palmas is erupting, you should pack your shit and head 13 miles inland for awhile.
If you want to, you can catch this horror show tomorrow at 2:00 p.m. on The Channel of Doom. Have your blankie handy.