Dear Bud Selig,

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Can I call you Buddy?

Listen Buddy, I realize you are commissioner of the MLB. Good for you. I also realize that being the commissioner of a sport doesn’t mean you know everything about the sport. Hell, they considered Condi Rice to be NFL commissioner. I can’t believe that she knows everything about football. She doesn’t even know how to do her own hair.

So please, Buddy, don’t talk to me about how we fans need to support the shittastic management of the Pittsburgh Pirates. We’ve heard it for 13 years and finally the “fans” of the Pirates are fed up and letting their voices be heard.

Yesterday when asked about why the Pirates can’t seem to win very often, you gave this shittastic sound bite. Buddy? Shittastic is the word of the day.

“I know how determined they are, and I know how desperate they are to produce a winner… We’re all held accountable by the won/loss record, but I know how committed these people are.”

Using words like “determined” and “committed” to try to make us forget the results and focus on the intentions? We’re on to you.

Buddy? I am determined, and desperate, and committed to do the following: be best friends with David Conrad, annihilate the pigeon population of the world, become richer than Bill Gates, broker peace in the Middle East, cure Bobby O of cancer, etc. etc. etc. Now Buddy, some would say that the Pirates winning a pennant is more doable than any of those things, however, after 14 years of not even having a winning record, I’m thinking … not so doable.

How can we expect different results if the Pirates keep doing things the same way?
This town could be a baseball town. Know how I know? Because of the lump that rose in my throat and lots of Burghers’ throats when the cheers rose up for Jason Bay and Freddie Sanchez during player introductions last night. We want to cheer for the Pirates. We want to be proud of them. Yesterday, we finally got a little taste of what it’s like to be proud of the Pirates. We liked it. We loved it. We want more of it.

Let that put you, Kevin, and all those Nuttings on notice that we’ve had damn enough of this shittastic management. We’ve had it up to here with all the commitment and desperation and determination. We want some freaking results.

We built that gorgeous ballpark and I say as taxpayers, we should be allowed to take it back and give it to someone else.


PS. Looking hot in the poncho dude. And by “hot” I mean “shittastic.”


  1. The Hon. Rufus Peckham
    July 12, 2006 2:14 pm

    BRAVO! But there is enough blame to spread around here beyond the owners, like manure. Our inept local politicians agreed to shell out in excess of $200 million (the vast majority of the total cost) for a ballpark the voters said they didn’t want to pay for, simply because the team owners claimed it was needed to help make the Pirates “competitive.” Yet those same politicians apparently never required the owners to agree to act in good faith to field a competitive team. If the owners had so agreed, I am relatively certain there would have been legal actions filed by now for breach of such obligation. The problem is there is no accountability, and if the Commissioner is so certain the owners are “determined” to win, can he explain with certainty where all the revenue sharing money directed to the Pirates has been spent? The New York Daily News yesterday reported this: “. . . the current contract between MLB and its union expires this year, and thanks to concerns about the Pirates, big-revenue clubs and the Players Association are expected to push for new rules that increase accountability and narrow how revenue-sharing money can be spent.” Wow! When George Steinbrenner feels victimized by the Nuttings, you know the Pirates are in trouble. One positive thing is that the Post-Gazette is definitely trying to hold them accountable. For example, Bob Smizik recently did a column on his failed attempt to conduct a brief interview with one of the Nuttings to get a straight answer about this. Of course the Nuttings don’t think they have any obligation to speak with the press. For fun:

  2. Awesome Comet
    July 12, 2006 2:55 pm

    The frustrating thing is despite all that, now everybody’s like, “Yeah, but its such a NICE ballpark … maybe the politicians and owners are smarter than us after all.” And people continue to go to games because its such a NICE ballpark, and its just nice to have beer and hotdogs and watch baseball despite having a horrendous, structurally hopeless team. Why we couldn’t have accomplished that with a minor league franchise, I’m not sure …

  3. Julie_Gong
    July 12, 2006 3:00 pm

    I got a big fat lump in my throat. It was a proud moment to be a Pittsburgher!

  4. Woy
    July 12, 2006 7:52 pm

    See, everything was light and fun until Judge Rufus had to get serious on yo’ ass.

  5. The Hon. Rufus Peckham
    July 12, 2006 10:36 pm

    Woycheck, if you think that’s serious, you ought to read my website once in a while. Besides, my comment might just win me another Pulitzer Prize for its lucidity. In any event, I’m glad you wrote because it reminds me, we haven’t done a story about you for a while.

  6. Slytheringrrl
    July 13, 2006 8:22 am

    I’ll have to start using “shittastic”…a slightly stronger version of “craptacular”, perhaps? :-)

    And with the current pirate mania abounding (Slytheringrrl just thought about Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom dressed as pirates and now has to have a tot of rum and lie down for a bit….)

    ok I’m back. As I was saying, with the piratical themes in the air, this would be a great year for the Pirates to be winning. Ok, maybe not to do quite as well as the Indians…I am from Cleveland after all…but I don’t have a problem with y’all taking second place. :-)

    And I will say a prayer for Bobby O.