They DO exist! They do!

I finally spotted them yesterday.  Four to be exact.  One walking near the USS Tower and three having a casual chitchat near a flower vendor by Kaufmann’s (Macys? WTF).

The Wildebeests?  No.

Friendly pigeons? No.

I’m talking about the [dum-dum-dum-DAHHHHHH!] Safe-tee Am-BASS-adorrrrrrrs!

Those superheroes that were hired recently to make us Burghers feel safe when we are downtown, are outfitted in bright blue shirts to advertise that yes, I AM a Safety Ambassador, complete with matching ball cap, a thick black belt that holds a walkie talkie and I THINK a flashlight.  Don’t quote me on the flashlight, because my powers of recall aren’t that hot this morning.

I gotta tell you, these ambassadors?  Not very physically fit.  The first one I saw was an out of shape early 20s male who gave me the I’m an enforcer of the law hat tip as he passed by.
My question to these guys and girls is this:  What can you, as safety ambassadors, do for me?

If I’m walking through Market Square one evening and am accosted and thrown to the ground before I can unleash my pissed off fists of fury, what will you do?  Will you beat the attacker with your walkie talkie?  Will you radio the cops and then sit there and watch the attack until the cops show up?  Will you radio the other ambassadors so that they too can stand around and watch the attack, except now by the extra light of more flashlights?

And another question, what would you do if you saw a smoking hot girl set a ladder against a light pole and proceed to steal just three of the beautiful flowering hanging baskets downtown?  Will you look the other way?  Will you look the other way for $20?  Let’s discuss this.


  1. Awesome Comet
    July 14, 2006 12:29 pm

    I’m pretty sure the safety nerds are only there to hassle and tattle-tale on panhandlers, like blind guy who sits on the boombox, saxaphone man who only comes out around the holidays, and the hustlers who hang out at Liberty and Smithfield and call everybody “Family.” If I see one (the safety dweebs), I’ll be hard-pressed not to grab them by the wrists and play “Why are you punching yourself?”

  2. Barrister Jubril
    July 14, 2006 4:34 pm

    So it’s like the urban equivalent of a junior-high hall monitor?

    We all know how much those kids are loved by their peers.

  3. Woy
    July 14, 2006 5:47 pm

    I hope you had your hall pass.

  4. pittgirl
    July 14, 2006 8:09 pm

    Dudes, I saw one today and he had to be like 75 years old.