Dear Dumbasses of the Burgh,

PLEASE stop buying exotic pets that you are not 1 bazillion percent sure you are going to love and keep until its death do you part.

First the piranhas in the river, most likely due to an owner that decided it didn’t want them anymore, and now, an alligator in Frick Park.

Shit. I tell my friends in Texas that the Burgh is great because in addition to not having to worry as much that my house will be sucked into an F-5 twister, I also don’t have to worry about as many poisonous snakes, biting fish, flesh rotting spiders, massive red flying roaches, fire ants, etc.

Then they read that the Burgh has piranhas and alligators and my credibility is shot.

If you hate your exotic pet, PLEASE do not release your tarantula into my backyard. Please do not throw your alligator in the river; please do NOT gently slip your flesh-eating fish (I saw the movie!) into the Monongahela.

Lest I be playing tennis and a huge mother of a red cockroach comes flying at my face with that all too familiar 666 etched on his forehead, I’ll know you let it out and it’ll be on.




  1. Awesome Comet
    September 21, 2006 3:18 pm

    Whatever happened to those snakehead fish? The ones that can walk on land for like days and tear the ass out of you?

  2. pittgirl
    September 21, 2006 3:21 pm

    Great! I didn’t even know about those and now I’m scared.

  3. Woy
    September 21, 2006 4:03 pm

    When I lived in Erie, Zebra Mussels were rumored to be the Second Bowl Judgement of Revelation.

    Granted, they weren’t pets… but they sure seemed to scare the hell out of Lake Erie fisherman.