You can’t shoot me, I’ve got my Algebra book, you asshole.

This has nothing to do with the Burgh, but man, do you ever read a news story and go, SURELY … SURELY this story was erroneously picked up from The Onion or the Carbolic Smoke Ball?

Here’s one for you:

Bill Crozier, a Union City Republican going against incumbent Democrat Sandy Garrett, said he believes old textbooks could be used to stop bullets shot from weapons wielded by school intruders.

If elected, he said he would put thick used textbooks under every desk for students to use in self-defense.

“We need to look at protection of young people that sometimes people may think you are a little smarter than everybody else or a higher IQ or whatever. They need to look at what the end result would be,” Crozier said.

I feel like I have the IQ of a hair ball because I just read that quote three times and I still can’t for the life of me figure out what the hell the man is trying to tell me.

“Not everybody would be saved in that situation, of course. But many of them would, and instead of running away or being lined up … this is a way for the children to fight back,” he said.

Ok. This could only work if the kids were superhuman, because how the hell do you know where the shooter is going to shoot you? You put the book to cover your head and he’ll shoot you in the chest. Cover your chest and you’ll get shot in the head. Or the shooter could just maim you by aiming for the knees. Do you really think a school gunman is going to walk into a classroom, see a bunch of kids hiding behind textbooks, turn to his partner and go, “Dude, let’s get out of here. They have ALGEBRA books!”


  1. Judge Rufus Peckham
    October 20, 2006 12:31 pm

    Now can you all see how difficult my job is, with REAL news like this?

  2. Clarion
    October 20, 2006 12:53 pm

    Maybe if he actually read a book instead of contemplating its bullet-stoping possibilities, Crozier would be able to speak in coherient sentences.

  3. Z
    October 20, 2006 1:00 pm

    They’d be deflecting the bullets with their books like Pootie Tang did with his belt buckle!

  4. Tep
    October 20, 2006 1:15 pm

    Sa Da Tay!

    Sure, let’s put a constant reminder to kids in the classroom that at any moment they can be gunned down. That’s the last thing they need. Even if it was a bulletproof vest the idea would be absurd. Whatever happened to settling grade school disputes with a paper football game or a pencil fight. Don’t dane the dillies.

  5. Diogenes
    October 20, 2006 3:09 pm

    At least he’s not advocating the use of new, more expensive texbooks.

  6. Lino Gunn
    October 20, 2006 7:20 pm

    Damn, I knew those books were good for something.

  7. Z
    October 20, 2006 7:41 pm

    Wah Da Ta my damies…but what about those new “textbook killing” bullets?