The Pirates suck.

I should just end the post there, huh?

While I was away, the Pirates sucked. They sucked last night when they lost 8-4 to the Mets, putting them a half a game out of last place, losing nine of their last ten, and 14 games out of first place, which, come on — the only way the Pirates will see first place any time soon is if they are there to clean First Place’s house or maybe mow its lawn. And even then, First Place would be like, “Please don’t make eye contact with me or speak directly to me unless I speak to you first, you loser.”

Losing pitcher Ian Snell said:

“I’m starting to break. I’m getting stressed out. I don’t know about these other guys, but I just want to win. I don’t want to be called a loser. Man, even my family calls our team losers, and I don’t want anyone to say that about our team.”

Ian, the reason your family calls your team losers is because YOU LOSE! All the time! In grand fashion! With aplomb!

You’ve lost 90% of your last ten games and you’ve never won 50% of your games in over a decade. Your team has been losing for 15 years! This isn’t Mr. Rogers Neighborhood where everyone is a winner and everyone gets a lollipop with their pat on the back.

This is Major League ball where when you don’t win … you LOSE!

If you don’t want to be called a loser … you’re playing for the wrong team.


  1. SeanCollier
    July 25, 2007 10:26 am

    SHHH, he might hear you! We need to keep him happy, lest he demand a trade and go on to be the younger and less jerky Roger Clemens elsewhere. We need to hire a personal team of special effects wizards to follow Ian around and make sure Pittsburgh seems like a magical fantasy land at all times, lest he entertain thoughts of those “other” cities!

  2. BBM
    July 25, 2007 12:03 pm

    At least one of the Pirates cares whether they win or lose. Too bad it isn’t contagious.

  3. Bulldog
    July 25, 2007 12:57 pm

    I think Ian Snell is missing the bigger point. Sure they are losers, and have been for a solid decade and a half, but hey, they are making huge PROFITS, and all of the players are enjoying the spoils of those profits.

    The owners are happy and there are enough fans willing to tolerate it that they keep buying tickets.

    Let’s see what happens when and IF they become losers AND unprofitable.

  4. Aeran
    July 25, 2007 1:11 pm

    I agree with BBM. at least he cares and isn’t all apathetic about it like, oh, everyone else.

  5. Moe the Dog
    July 25, 2007 1:43 pm

    Someone tell Ian to shut the Snell up. As Bulldog said enjoy the spoils. If this team was a winner Snell wouldn’t be a part of it because he’s a minor league pitcher. So play catch with Ronnie once a week, maybe give up a homerun to the occasional pitcher then go cash that check…jerk

  6. DW
    July 25, 2007 1:56 pm

    At least he cares…I go along w/ BBM and Aeran.

    Moe, Ronnie missed that ball trying to back-hand it instead of simply blocking it and Snell would be a winner on other teams, for sure. No minor leaguer. He’d be another Jason Schmidt, Ollie Perez, Arroyo, etc…a winner on another team.

  7. bucdaddy
    July 25, 2007 10:33 pm