Dear Residents of the Burgh:
Not too long ago I found myself walking down Grant Street way down near the Boulevard, enjoying the beautiful weather of my city, the blue sky dotted with puffs of clouds, the deep clanging of a church bell, the fat hienie of a passing Safety Ambassador, the click clack of my new black heels on the clean sidewalk as I purposefully made my way to someplace awesome, when I noticed the driver’s side window roll down in a maroon Buick that was stopped at a red light. Slowly, a female, manicured hand appeared and ever so slightly nudged a McDonald’s bag that appeared to be full of garbage over the edge of her window and let it fall to the street.
I was so aghast and appalled that I almost didn’t have the wherewithal to duck the dive-bombing pigeon headed my way.
This fantastic display of douchebaggery and general asshatness should have forewarned me that not everyone views dropping litter into or on anything other than a trashcan as the same personal sin as I do. And I’m the farthest thing from an environmentalist you can find. Ask my SUV, or my water faucet when I brush my teeth.
What is so damn hard about holding on to your stupid Slim Jim wrapper until you happen upon a receptacle of trash? What is so damn hard about smoking near a frickin’ ashtray so that I don’t have to step around your burning butt? What is so damn hard about having a little bit of love for your city, your neighborhood, your street, your home so that the Redd Up crew isn’t cleaning the same place over and over again because you decided that your Marlboro box needed to be discarded of right this second, right here on this curb because that there trashcan is so very very far away?
From this point forward, if I see you litter, so help me I will pick your litter up, paying no mind to whatever cooties you may have deposited on it, and I will load it into a Nerf ball shooter and I will shoot your litter back at you with such force you’ll be knocked to your knees by a flying Ho Ho wrapper. Then I’ll stand over you and do my “Mwah-hahah!” laugh as I hold a squirming pigeon over you until it shat (ding!) upon you.
Seriously. Grow the hell up and quit using my city as your personal trashcan.
Also, I won’t even make you pay the dollar for that swift kick in the butt. Today only, they’re free.