I found myself in Kohl’s last week. I found myself looking at some kickass shoes.
Then I found myself at the checkout counter face-to-face with a smiley middle-aged cashier or whatever the hell we’re calling them these days.
I’ll call her Linda. Later on though, I’m going to call her “bitch.” You were warned.
Here’s how it all went down.
Hello. How are you this evening?
Hello! I’m fine, thank you.
Linda (as she begins removing hangers from clothing I am purchasing):
Will this be on your Kohl’s charge?
No, Linda. This will be on the PittGirl Card O’ Debit.
PittGirl, do you have a Kohl’s charge with us?
Would you like to open a Kohl’s charge today?
PittGirl (flipping her gorgeous hair around):
No, thank you.
Linda (as she begins scanning bar codes):
If you open a Kohl’s charge today, you’ll save 15% on all of this.
No, thank you.
Are you sure, because in addition to 15% off you’ll receive special discounts and coupons up to nine times a year.
PittGirl (looking around all “am I on Candid Camera?”):
Um, no thank you, Linda. I’ll be using my debit card.
It only takes a moment.
Linda. I’m not opening a charge account today.
Linda (hits the total button):
If you open a Kohl’s charge today, you would save like 7 or 8 dollars on all of this.
Listen, bitch. I don’t want to open a damn Kohl’s charge account!
Okay, have a nice day.
Now with this ridiculously aggressive sales pitch, I can only assume that Kohl’s has instituted a new reward policy for their employees that whoever signs the most people up to a Kohl’s charge account gets like Steelers season tickets or something.
No wonder America is mired in credit card debt.