Warning: Longest. Post. Ever.
This might be the best fight ever.
Richard Scaife, local billionaire, is divorcing Ritchie Scaife and is currently paying her $725,000 a month in alimony.
Richard Scaife is the publisher of the Tribune Review, the right-leaning competitor of the left-leaning Post-Gazette. (Anyone from either newspaper that emails me and tries to convince me that their newspaper is not biased is going to get that email posted to The Burgh Blog in giant font so that the entire Burgh nation can point and laugh at your delusional asses.)
The Post-Gazette accessed the divorce records of Sciafe vs. Scaife via a publicly accessible database to which the files were erroneously posted for a time. The PG downloaded those bad boys and put Dennis Roddy to the task of summing them up.
So Richard Scaife demanded that the PG return all of the records it downloaded because they were never meant to be public. Richard filed official sounding documents to have them returned.
In light of that threat, the PG said this:
In response, the Post-Gazette, arguing that no court has the right to force a newspaper to surrender documents lawfully in its possession, has posted those documents on its Web site, with some personal, financial and third-party information removed.
It is ON!
Do you see the hilarity? The PG gets asked to return that which they shouldn’t have been able to get their hands on, but did so in a perfectly legal manner, and in response posts every. single. stinking. document in PDF format for all of the world to enjoy.
The most interesting parts mined for you:
1. The Scaife’s were married for 15 years and maintained separate residences for all of those 15 years.
How the hell do you not get along to the point of divorce when you DON’T EVEN LIVE TOGETHER?!? That’s like a marriage made in heaven. Billions of dollars + Separate residences = Happily freakin’ ever after!
2. According to Ritchie’s lawyers, Richard Scaife raids his childrens’ trust fund to pay for the losses of the Trib.
Husband is using his children’s trust funds from the 1935 Trust — $244 million to be exact, and growing — to fund the Tribune Review. Husband argues that the funds are his because he temporarily parks the funds in his revocable living trust for a matter of minutes, before transferring them to the Tribune Review.
Ritchie: 1 Richard: 0
3. Richard Scaife, in his attempt to reduce the alimony ruling, argues:
The temporary order produces an amount so large that just the income from it, invested at 5%, is greater each year than the salary of the President of the United States.
So that’s to make us all, WHOA! Ritchie Scaife has too much money if she’s making more money than the President of US Americans!
Ritchie: 1 Richard: 1
4. However, Richie Scaife’s attorney argues:
The most remarkable feature … is the number of zeroes after Mr. Scaife’s disposable income. He earns $46,805,073 gross per year and has a gross disposable income of $3,900,423 per month. These massive streams of disposable income are attributable to no employment, business enterprise, or other effort — intellectual, physical, creative, or ministerial — past or present. They are, in fact, attributable solely to the efforts and fortuity of prior generations. The trusts … have an approximate value of $1,400,000,000.
NOW who’s got shitloads of money, huh?!?
Ritchie: 2 Richard: 1
5. But Richard’s attorney’s claim that he is only actually making $13.9 million a year.
That might be the most ridiculous “only” I have ever written … ever.
Ritchie: 2 Richard: 2
6. The reason for the divorce:
The substantive and actual events of Wife’s (just cause) for leaving Husband, is an ongoing adulterous affair which culminated in cruel, calculated acts toward Wife by Husband as punishment for her detection.
On December 22 in the late afternoon, Wife, in an attempt to confirm Husband’s ongoing affair, appeared at the home of her husband, peered in his residence window, to confirm the presence of (name stricken, but I’m guessing Kristin Georgi. HAH!), at which time, wife was arrested on an absurd trespassing charge. Charges have since been dismissed. The marriage was over!
Um, that is not my exclamation point. That is her lawyer’s exclamation point, because the MARRIAGE WAS OVER! you see.
Ritchie: 2 Richard: -50
7. There is a serious ongoing squabble over personal items from their six residences. Yes six. It appears that Richard has just been having craploads of Ritchie’s stuff boxed up and shipped to her, with no inventory. Basically just dumping them at her house all, “Here’s your shit, bitch.” This resulted in their lawyers having lots of back and forth to the point that one letter states:
Ritchie would appreciate the return of her coffee service and china. Except for a few dishes, she has none of her china and none of her glassware.
Holy shit, lady. You have enough money to buy the factory that makes the china. Shut the hell up about it and go buy some new stuff!
Ritchie: -25 Richard: -50
8. Her lawyer continues:
Obviously, Ritchie Scaife has refrained from publication of personal information and materials that might be uncomfortable to Richard Scaife; I assume that Richard Scaife has behaved in a similar fashion.
Man, never so badly have I ever wanted to see the skeleton in the closet.
8. A future letter, still debating the shipping of items, states:
Mrs. Scaife believes several items of clothing that were kept at Ligonier or Pebble Beach are missing. In addition, at least one vase was wrapped in paper towels and was crushed upon receipt.
Are you kidding me? Unless this vase was touched by Jesus Christ himself, I do not think it is worth fighting over.
Ritchie: -50 Richard: -50
9. Ritchie’s lawyers list some of the ghastly things that Richard has done, particularly:
Husband’s refusal to return any furniture for the public rooms of 613 Pitcairn Place, forcing Wife to borrow living and dining room furniture from friends.
WTF? Can you imagine? “Honey? It’s Ritchie on the phone. You know, the billionaire? She wants to know if she can borrow some furniture.”
Ritchie: -75 Richard: -75
- A sewing table worth $200,000
- A $95,000 chandelier
- Four candelabra valued at $70,000
- Two eagle shaped wall brackets valued at $25,000
- Pineapple-shaped candle holders worth $15,000
- A $3,000 needle case
- A $3,000 trinket box that is all of 3 inches wide
- Another $3,000 trinket box
- Five tea caddies: $65,000
- “Japanese carved ivory monkey figure, see no evil, speak no evil”: $850
- Dinner service ware. You know plates and shit: $486,000+
- Flatware for plates and shit: $193,800
- A berry spoon: $475
- Baby spoon: $75
- Ice bucket: $15,000
- Two candle sticks: $30,000
- Salt and frickin’ pepper shakers: $225
- Bacon dish (WTF?): $2,000
- Six pairs of asparagus tongs: $1,800 (who knew there was such a thing?)
- “One odd salt spoon”: $25 (Because God forbid one of them lose possession of the ODD SALT SPOON!!!)
- Countless plate settings, candles, porcelain plates, and tens of millions of dollars of artwork.
Ritchie: -Infinity Richard: -Infinity
11: Finally, right smack dab in the middle of one of the documents filed by Ritchie’s lawyers is this statement regarding Richard’s attempts to minimize his income figures.
I always thought court filings had to be strictly legal, using terms like wherefortohowever and hereintotherebe. I had no idea a lawyer could just write, “WHAT THE FRICKIN’ HELL!??” if he really wanted to.
What I really want is to be one of the lawyers on Scaife vs. Scaife and to write an official letter to both Scaifes that says:
Dear Ritchie and Richard:
Whereforetohowever that I hate you both, hereintotherebe the truth. Grow up. Shut up. And give some of your damn money to Darfur. I quit and I hope you kill each other.