Operators of Paul Brown Stadium want permission from the city to kill birds that have been pooping on Bengals fans.
Pigeon droppings have been falling on patrons and into their food and beverages.
He asked in his letter that stadium employees who are familiar with firearms be allowed to shoot birds a few days prior to an event.
This is a paradox. A dilemma. A quagmire. A complexity.
Because on one hand, I’m all, arm those dudes to the teeth and let them have at the pigeon population, and if you need some volunteers, I’m happy to show up with my taser.
But on the other hand, I’m all, they ARE pooping on Bengals fans and their food.
And what’s the harm in that, really?
The bird problem solved itself initially, with fan noise on game days driving the birds away, said Bob Bedinghaus, the Bengals’ director of development. But the birds apparently have adapted.
That’s because they’re evil geniuses that have figured out a lot of shit. They’ve figured out that 10 out of 10 humans will drive around them if they decide to sit in the middle of the road and peck lazily at a french fry.
They’ve figured out that the world if full of radical animal rights activists and naked PETA people that would NEVER allow government-sanctioned pigeon mass-murdering to occur.
I think it’s time we alter their reality.
Decision made. SHOOT THE FAT BASTARDS!
Also? If I lived in Cincy (snicker), I would be in prison with all the Bengals:
The municipal code Sec. 701-15.
No person shall kill, wound, maim or injure, in any manner whatever, any bird, or shall throw, fire or shoot with any gun, pistol or other deadly weapon, or any stone, arrow, or other missile, at such bird, or shall break, tear down, or destroy any bird’s nest or the eggs or other contents of such nests; nor shall any person catch or capture any bird in any manner whatever, or set traps, or spread nets or snares, with intent to catch or capture any bird, or follow or pursue any bird with intent to catch or injure such bird.
Been there and done all of that.
(h/t Sue and VanMeter)