Not really. I just like starting letters with WTF so that you’ll be looking around all, “What WTF?!?”
But now that I have your attention, let’s chat.
First, loving the new hair and you were wise to grow it out. The mysteriously appearing and disappearing bald spot seems to have disappeared. You haven’t been using this shit have you?
Secondly, about this:
“I understand I’m being held to a higher standard but at the same time I’m going to continue to be who I am, because that’s the only way I know to be,” he said. “Have I learned? Absolutely. Will I carefully consider decisions that I make? Absolutely. But at the end of the day, I’m still going to continue to be who I’m going to be, and go to concerts like I always have, and go to have a drink with my wife in bars. That’s what 27-year-olds do and I shouldn’t be any different.”
You know what? I do want you to be who you are, but here’s some things to keep in mind:
1. In addition to being 27 years old, you are also the mayor of a major metropolitan area. Automatically that means that you are NOT a normal 27-year-old any more than Angelina Jolie is a normal 32-year-old. She’s not. She’s a smoking hot mother of four. Being mayor does actually mean that you need to change who you are a little bit. Accept it and do it, or you’ll not be mayor for long.
2. It’s absolutely cool for you and Erin to hit the town and enjoy the life you’ve been given. Just maybe do it by having tapas and a bottle of wine at Ibiza on the South Side and not so much rolling up to Diesel in a federally-funded black Yukon, then burstin through the doors with your posse in tow and your tie around your head, making the “raise the roof” gesture all, “Yo, yo! Hizzoner Master Lukey movin’ fo-ward in da house! Can I get a Zima, yo!?”
3. Do go to the concerts (it appears we both have a love for country music), but drive your own car, make your friends take their own cars, and for the love of God, don’t bring a frickin’ proclamation with you.
4. Be fully aware that Rich Lord is sitting by his phone every day like this:
Rich Lord (staring at phone): Ring. Ring. RING! Ring, DAMN IT!
Rich Lord: Lord!
Caller whose name rhymes with Pill Schmeduto: Yeah, this is Joe. I just wanted to let you know that the Mayor just exited the men’s room and did NOT WASH HIS HANDS!
Rich Lord: Yes! Stop the presses, bitches!
5. ALWAYS wash your hands.
6. Show up.
7. Leave the Steelers alone. That novelty needs to wear off … now.
8. Do kick pigeons at every chance. This will endear you to lots of Burghers. Mostly me.
9. Stop personally loading the “Luke is a stupid kid” cannon of Mark DeSantis with media-seeking missiles. Because every single day, Mark DeSantis is looking more and more attractive to voters.
10. Delete the MySpace, facebook, and blog of every single staff member. They are going to bite you in the ass. Hard.
11. Keep doing jump shots. They crack my shit up, even if they are “Luke is a stupid kid” cannon missiles.
11. Do say “move forward” on a regular basis so that I can have a legit reason for getting trashed at seven thirty in the morning. Otherwise, it just looks like I have a drinking problem.
By the way, have you met my friend … mojito?