Monthly Archives: December 2007

Fa-la-la-la-lah.

There won’t be time for a What They’re Really Thinking today because PittGirl has a flight to catch and too much to do before that flight is caught.

Some loose ends to tie up:

1. The Steelers.

As reader DW wrote to me:

Today’s Steeler fun should be called the “Fork” edition. Stick a fork in these guys, they are done. With such a porous defense (how are they still #1 in NFL and what happened??!?) and Willie Parker out, they’re just lucky to get into the playoffs. Ugh, makes me sad even though we won. Well, we still have Dookie as our other RB.

Now I can’t decide what my favorite Najeh “I’ll poop in your closet” Davenport nickname is:

  • Dookie (tm DW)
  • Davenpoop (tm Zach)
  • The Defecator (tm my brother in law)

My thoughts on the game are this … Poor, poor Benny. I’ve never seen a quarterback with his face in the turf so much in my life. This Carbolic Smoke Ball Blog (are you guys checking the Trib PM out on Monday’s for the Carbolic news? Good.) article sums it up quite nicely I think:

Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger will now take the snap from center lying on his back to save time.

Hah!

Forget what I said about this not being Benny’s best year. It’s a miracle he can do anything, let alone smack guys in the numbers the way he’s doing now, with linebackers in his face all the time. Benny rules. Um, for today.

And the trick play with my imaginary self-united husband throwing the ball? As sister of PittGirl wrote, “Bee U Tee Full!”

Watch it again here with your chin in your hands and a dreamy smile on your face. At least that’s how I watched it 644 times.

What with Willie out, Najeh limping, Benny limping, and Santonio limping, can we get to and win the Super Bowl with a massive repertoire of trick plays? I’d like to think so.

So much more I want to say, no time. Moving on, bitches.

2. Pens. Sidney Crosby got in his first pro hockey fight and beat the shit out of Bruin Andrew Ference last night.

Crosby acquitted himself quite nicely — he threw punches with a vigor that belied the reality of it being his first fight as a pro — but allowed later that, “It’s nothing I’m going to make a habit of, by any means.”

While his goal and two assists had more of an impact on the game than his fight did, Crosby earned a favorable review from Ference for his effort. “He’s strong,” Ference said. “I think we’re probably about the same caliber of fighter. He probably picked a good partner for his first one.”

Oh, please. You got your ass beat. You can see some of the fight here.

3. I’m heading out and posting may or may not happen next week. If it does, it will be sporadic. If it doesn’t, you can comfort yourself by curling into the fetal position while hugging your PittGirl shirt like a blankie.

4. If you haven’t bought a PittGirl shirt, don’t even speak to me.

5. I’m kidding.

6. Have a merry Christmas.

7. I really mean that.





Random n@.

1. Lukey will be inaugurated today. I care about that about as much as I care about keeping my car clean. A little bit. It’s a sty right now. I might have a mouse. I don’t know.

2. Lukey is pissed:

“UPMC is upset right now, and I don’t blame them,” Mr. Ravenstahl said. UPMC’s commitment to the Promise amounts to $100 million over 10 years, subject to matching fund requirements, and the mayor said that “to be treated the way they were in City Council yesterday, it’s a shame. … I’ve been in discussions with UPMC, and needless to say, they’re not happy with the way their gift has been handled.”

I care about UPMC’s feelings less than I care about a pigeon’s feelings, and that is saying a lot.

3. An AP article on Cyril Wecht that nicely sums up what the hell is going on with the looney tunes.

Also, this line from a letter Cyril sent to a potential witness:

“What makes your Bavarian garden bloom so well? If you tell me the truth, I promise not to tell. Presumably, ample fertilizer is the underlying basis. Would using exterminated Jews be considered too racist?”

Holy crap, Cyril. Maybe you better shut the hell up now and let your defense do the work?

4. Speaking of “looney tunes,” did any of you girls watch Holiday in Handcuffs? Best Christmas chick flick ever? I loved that big ball of cheesy goodness, I did. God bless my Tivo for recording it. It knows me so well.

5. Steve Jobs will rescue your MacBook from Pittsburgh.

6.  Lukey, Benny, and Sally Wiggin all showed up at DVE’s Christmas show at Diesel (see photo 74).  Now here’s the question.  Did celeb-hungry Lukey show up because he’s stalking Benny or because he’s stalking Sally Wiggin?  We’ll never know will we? (h/t Spoon)

7.  PittGirl was given honorable mention by the dudes at The Darn News in the Top Ten Tarts of Pittsburgh in 2007.  Sonni is of course on the list, with a con of “won’t flash her viewers.”

Yeah, what’s up with that, Sonni?  God.

7.  My self-united husband rocks on:

A highlight of the evening was provided by actor David Conrad, a native of Swissvale currently starring in television’s “Ghost Whisperer.”

Mr. Conrad helped unveil the painting during an intermission in the concert, and later performed a reading of “The Night Before Christmas.”

Now that sounds like a perfect bedtime story for him to read to me.





Three Pigeons. A true story.

A scene on Liberty Avenue, in front of Jimmy John’s, early afternoon, as witnessed by PittGirl and imagined by PittGirl:

Pigeon Mikey,Pigeon Louie and Pigeon Charlie:

[singing loudly while strolling purposefully

down the sidewalk heading toward Gateway Center]

 

Well, you can tell by the way we use our walk …

 

Pigeon Mikey:

Ah, it’s a good day to walk our street.

 

Pigeon Louie:

Our street?

 

Pigeon Mikey:

We rule this street, man.

Look, look.

See that girl on the bike going to make deliveries for Jimmy John’s?

 

Pigeon Charlie:

She’s hot. And blonde. I love to shit on blonde hair. Be right back.

 

Pigeon Mikey:

No. Wait. Wait! Watch this.

Boo!

 

Pigeon Louie:

HA-HAH! Did you see her trying to maneuver around you all “EEEK!”

 

Pigeon Charlie:

That made me feel good to see.

 

Pigeon Mikey:

See what I mean? The humans. They are so afraid of us, always jumping out of our way. Trust me, you play chicken with a human, you are going to win that game, my friend.

 

Pigeon Louie:

Except PittGirl. PittGirl will punch your face in if you play chicken with her.

 

Pigeon Charlie:

Louie —

 

Pigeon Mikey:

Did you dare speak PittGirl’s name?! If you ever see a human kick a pigeon, that’s PittGirl’s influence. If you ever have a car refuse to go around you while you eat a Big Mac on the road — PittGirl! If a human ever looks at you and screams, “In the name of Jesus Christ be gone, you demon!” — PITTGIRL!

 

Pigeon Charlie:

Yeah! Man, I’d love to shit on PittGirl’s head.  Such a bitch.

 

Pigeon Mikey:

Not only that —

 

[BAM!]

 

Pigeon Charlie:

Ack!!! What was that?!  Mikey, Mikey?!

You okay? Why you laying on the sidewalk, dude?!

 

Pigeon Louie:

Kids! Human kids are swinging backpacks at us!

 

Pigeon Mikey:

Fly. Fly! Fly you fat fu–

 

Damn you, PittGirl! [echoing]

 

Epilogue:

There was a huge chunk of my soul that wanted to go up to that girl and tell her to cowgirl the hell up and run the bastard over next time.  And there was a huge chunk of my soul that wanted to go up to those three backpack-wielding boys of about 11-years-old, give them each a big hug and tell them that they have wonderful futures ahead of them.

 

 





A letter to Benny

Dear Sir Duke,

It is stories like this:

There was a special guest at Tuesday’s taping of the PNC Hines Ward Show.  But we aren’t just talking about Ben Roethlisberger.  It was one of Big Ben’s biggest fans: an 8 year old boy with a devastating illness who met his idol.

To say it was an opportunity of lifetime is an understatement for Joseph DeBacco, who was only given a 10 to 15 percent chance to live, when he found out he would be meeting his idol Ben.  “I want to have him sign my jersey and I feel awesome,” said 8 year-old cancer patient Joseph DeBacco.

From his smile alone, you would never know a rare form of muscular-skeletal cancer has inflicted tremendous amounts of pain on Joseph’s body.  It has ate holes in his bones,” said Joseph’s mother, Amy. “It’s broke his leg. His three vertabrea are compressed fractures in his spine but he’s come a long way.”

“It means the world to him,” she said. “He’s got Ben cards, pictures… there’s pictures everywhere in the house of Ben.”

Quotes like this:

“You sit there and think about how sore am I today and complain about practice,” said Roethlisberger. “He’s a hero to me.”

And videos like this that make me understand why your minions are as loyal as mine.

If PittGirl were ever an actress and the director needed me to cry, there are three failsafe things I can think about that would make me shed tears on the spot:

  1. Sick kids.
  2. A pigeon on my head.
  3. The six-pack abs of Troy Polamalu (that makes ANY woman weep).

Anyway, again, just for today … I kind of love you, you magnificent beast.

Sincerely,

PittGirl

P.S.  If my minions and your minions were ever hanging up clothes, my minions would punch your minions right in the nose. Holla.





Random n@.

1. I distinctly remember my high school Spanish teacher once telling the class that there just weren’t enough hours in the day for her and that she would kill for more time, even just 30 extra minutes a day.

I remember that because I was all, “Pshh. Whatever. There’s plenty of time in the day to watch 90210, play Pitfall, do my stupid homework, clean out my Trapper Keeper, listen to some Taylor Dayne, and maybe catch Point Break or Ghost at the movies tonight. Pshh. Estas loca!”

Holy crap. I’m 33 now and there’s just not enough hours in the day and I would kill for more time, even just 30 extra minutes a day. There are presents to buy, presents to wrap, a suitcase to pack, pigeons to be killed, emails to be returned, three days of newspapers to be read, hair to be cut, eyeglasses to be ordered, and a new restaurant to be tried. Oy.

P.S. I ruled at Pitfall. You’d have been owned. And if pwned had been a word back in 1991, you’d have been THAT, too.

2. Benny was voted to the Pro Bowl this year along with Troysus (really?!), James Harrison, Alan Faneca, and Willie Parker.

You know what? I’m happy for The Duke. It has not been his best year, but when Benny is good, he’s stellar and I’m thrilled he’ll be there representing the Burgh.

“From the time you’re a kid, it’s always a goal to win a Super Bowl, get to a Pro Bowl, all that stuff,” Roethlisberger said. “I’m not going to lie, it is a great honor. But a lot is to attributable to the rest of my offensive guys, my team.”

That was a great thing to say and just enough to make me love him. But just for today. I’ll probably hate him tomorrow.

Mike Tomlin said regarding James Harrison making Pro Bowl after being an undrafted rookie at one point in time, making the roster three years later:

“That’s football justice right there,” coach Mike Tomlin said after learning Harrison will start in the Pro Bowl.

Football justice. LOVE IT!

3. Reader Andrea R emailed me and made me laugh:

Bought the shirt. Seriously – and I’m going to wear it around here in Chambersburg to see who recognizes it by raising their right hand and saying “hail Troysus!”and then kicking a pigeon. I have a request though: can the pigeon whose head gets ripped off because I bought a shirt (no advanced warning of the hoodie coming thankyouverymuch or I would have bought that instead) be saved and let to rot, stored carefully for this reason: in the 2008 Pirates season I want Matt Capps to nail fatass Prince Fielder with it instead of a baseball the next time those nasty Brewers come to PNC. And then Ryan Doumit can take Fielder outside and finish him off. That would be hot.

Hah!

The Burgh Blog readers are the wittiest bunch of hotties ever.

4. Carnegie Mellon University was named the fifth ugliest college campus by this dumbass.

I haven’t actually been to Carnegie Mellon, just heard horrible things about it and Pittsburgh. So I decided to take a virtual tour of its residence hall. But what they didn’t realize is outside the window of a room you can see the god-awful brick red building that looks like something you’d see at Rikers. What else is new?

I haven’t actually seen this guy, but I just know he’s the ruler of the Kingdom of Fug and Gross.

(h/t Herbie)

5. Would some kind Burgher please inform this man that he might be gay? I just don’t think he’s done the math yet and that math is this: asexual toward women + okay with sex with women only for procreational purposes + sleeping in same bed with men = probably gay.

6. HAH! Awesome, awesome Burgher.

7. A new Sonic is opening! Go get your tots and a Diet Cherry Limeaid.