Mayor Luke Ravenstahl today asked City Council to grant UPMC tax credits in the amount of money it donates to the Pittsburgh Promise, a program to give college grants to city high school students who meet minimum grade requirements.
Question: Should I be going:
A: Yes, Lukey, that is a great idea to reward UPMC for doing a great thing in promising $10 million a year for ten years to the Pittsburgh Promise and maybe it will encourage other nonprofits with shitloads of money to donate to the Pittsupmcburgh Promise. Good job, Lukey!
B. God, Lukey. Once again, you are a sad puppy dog so desperate for love that you’ve taken to eagerly dry-humping the leg of UPMC, a nonprofit organization that made $618 million in profit on total revenues of $6.8 billion in just three quarters. I don’t believe for one nanosecond that you came up with this idea all on your own. No, what happened was Jeffrey Romoff walked into your office and said, “Lemme tell you what’s going to happen, kiddo. You’re going to make it ‘last-dollar’ money, the kids have to go to school here in the state because I ain’t paying for the education of anyone’s workforce but my own, and if this city ever has the gall to tax the nonprofits, you better credit me for this incredibly selfless deed I’m doing here. Understood? Why are you humping my leg again? Heel, boy. Go fetch me a warm pile of money.”
I sure hope it’s not A, because I’m B all the way.