I must begin this post by telling you that I only laid my eyeballs on about two quarters of this game because of something that happened to my family yesterday during a Toyota commercial early in the second quarter. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. That’s right. My satellite went out.
I could get every channel but the local channels and you know what was playing on a local channel? The Steelers game. Know what was playing on the non-local channels? Not the Steelers game, people.
At first the screen was just a mocking black screen of death, and then Direct TV must have been deluged with phone calls, hopefully all of them from angry Steelers fans because after ten minutes of us missing the game, we saw this:
Sorry?! Sorry isn’t going to cut it, Direct TV. I’d like an apology written in YOUR BLOOD!
After reading it, sister of PittGirl said this:
Yes, even though I’m one of those people that when playing the word association game and you say Comcast, I will scream out SUCKS! at the top of my lungs, I would have right then and there starred in a commercial for the cable pig all, “Cable works.”
We were forced to experience the majority of the second half of the game while listening to my brother-in-law do shitty play-by-play while madly clicking the refresh button on the Yahoo game tracker page all the while cursing Direct TV and everyone who has ever existed that had anything to do with the future invention of Direct TV including Ben Franklin and Thomas Edison.
1st and ten.
2nd and ten. Ben incomplete down the middle.
3rd and ten. Ben incomplete to the left.
Interception by Anthony Smith! Anthony Smith has been forgiven!
Extra point conversion is good and thrown by CEDRIC WILSON?! We’re missing this!! This game is taking place 30 minutes away and we can’t SEE IT!!
Oh, my GOD! Troy Polamalu’s pants just fell off!
Swear to God he said that, knowing my sister and I would be all, “What?! We’re missing Troy Polamalu’s naked ass?!?! Noooooooooooooooooooo!”
So my family stood crowded around the computer monitor freaking out when the game was finally all tied up, promising Jeff Reed the sluttiest of sluts if he would win it for us, and then being all “sadcakes” as Julie Gong would say, when it said “4th and 7. Completed pass to Heath Miller for a six-yard gain. First down Jacksonville.”
Now, what I did see:
1. My sister giving the TV the bird every chance she could.
2. I saw Troysus give an inspired performance, complete with self-sacrifice, gorgeous tackles that upended Jags at exactly the right moment, and a beautiful leap in the air that forced the Jags to punt. It was awesome to behold.
Speaking of Troysus, did you read this?
“It’s crazy,” Polamalu said. “Am I supposed to make a play here” — he tapped the center of the cafeteria table — “when I make this amount of money and make plays here, here, here and here” — he tapped the four corners of the table — “because I make more? That’s just crazy.”
Not that the expectations change how Polamalu plays.
“I have to play the same techniques if I’m playing for free or for Bill Gates money,” he said. “It’s not like I see the ball coming and it’s green and I’m thinking, ‘I’ve got to make this play because I make the most money.’
“People can expect anything they want. My expectations for myself are always going to be higher. They can throw cups at the television when I get beat, but it hurts me 100 times worse.”
Aw. Troysus, we don’t throw cups at the television, we throw trash in peoples’ lawns, honey.
But not yours. No. Way.
3. And now, here it is at nine o’clock at night and my brain is going GRCK! every time I try to caption a picture because I DIDN’T SEE THE IMPORTANT PARTS OF THE GAME, DIRECT TV!!
So that’s all I can give you today. If you have a problem with that, you know what will make you feel better? Two things:
- A PittGirl t-shirt.
- A dead pigeon.
Make it happen.