Have you ever explored the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog? I never had until a colleague plopped one on my desk in a mail mis-route.
Best Catalog Ever. Is what it should be called.
1. I’m going to buy this thing, put it in a closet, and then tell my house guests that the closet is the bathroom, and then laugh my ass off as they look at that thing and wonder “but where do I …?”
2. I need this thing more than you can imagine.
An alarm clock that shoots a disk across your bedroom and then will not stop ringing/buzzing until you get your ass out of bed, turn your light on, walk around your room looking for the disk, find the disk, and return it to the alarm clock. By the time you do that, you’d be like, “Well, now that I’m up …”
That is if you get to the disk before your crazy little terrier dog pounces on it mid-air and eats it, or if you throw the base unit against the wall rather than find that damn disk because my God, the Steelers lost last night and I’m not moving from this bed until Monday.
3. The next time you’re in a battle of wits and you need a comeback to end all comebacks, now you have one and that comeback is this.
I have the ability to launch a marshmallow 40 feet through the air. Do you? DO YOU?!?! Huh? I didn’t think so.
This is not to be confused with the previously awesome comeback:
I have a gun that burps every time I fire it. Do you? DO YOU?!?! Huh? I didn’t think so, loser.
Keep ’em straight.
4. If you’d like to avenge the death of Steve Irwin, you can take comfort that a stingray died for your wallet.
5. What I’m going to start using for the Luke Ravenstahl Move Forward Drinking Game. Hey, it’s still just ONE DRINK!
6. Wait. Never mind. THIS is what I’m going to start using for the Luke Ravenstahl Move Forward Drinking Game.
7. What I bet Joe Hardy got for Christmas.
8. You might be a redneck if this is the most awesome thing you’ve ever seen ever.