Moo-eeeeew.

A Westmoreland County man who mailed a bloody cow’s head to his wife’s lover has been admitted to probation and community service.

Jason Michael Fife “understands that in a civilized society a person cannot send a severed cow’s head to anybody,” said his defense lawyer, Henry Hilles.

The victim received a package containing a cow’s head with a puncture wound in its skull on June 1, 2006.Police said Mr. Fife obtained the cow’s head from a butcher’s shop, claiming he wanted the dried skull for decoration. Instead, he mailed the head frozen, so as not to alert parcel carriers to the contents, police said. The box became bloody after sitting on the victim’s doorstep on a warm day.

Mr. Fife and his wife, who have a young child, later reconciled, Mr. Hilles said.

Thoughts:

1. It’s a sad day when it is decided that sending a cow’s bloody head via the UPS man is “uncivilized.”

2. If I’m working in a butcher shop and a man walks into my butcher shop and requests the head of a cow “for decoration” I’d pull out the gun that I keep in my special hiding place (probably a leg halter) and I’d shoot him in the nuts. No questions asked. Just to be safe. Now THAT’S uncivilized.

3. Do you think there is a particular UPS man out there in Westmoreland County putting two and two together and getting all, “Ewwwwwwwwwwwww!” If he wasn’t OCD about hand-washing before, I sure bet he is now.

4. They reconciled.

You cheated on me, but I still love you.

You sent my lover a cow’s severed head. I love you more than ever. Let’s get this trailer a-rockin’!





7 Comments

  1. Judge Rufus Peckham
    January 8, 2008 12:34 pm

    I agree. This sort of severing of animal heads to send a message is only appropriate when done by professionals who work in organized crime, and only to convince an unwilling movie executive to cast a singer who is an aspiring actor in an upcoming film.



  2. Sooska
    January 8, 2008 12:43 pm

    We will be reading about the crime spree this “young child” of theirs perpetrates in about 10 years I expect.



  3. Brother Anthony
    January 8, 2008 3:29 pm

    Honestly, I would not have thought this is illegal. If you drop a bloody thing into someone’s lap in public, sure. If it is part of a series of annoying parcels, sure. If the blood, when tested, was found to carry mad cow disease, possibly.

    Can’t I mail fish heads to my mother so she might make a nice soup? If it’s frozen, and not rotten before packaging, where is there a problem? Labeling?

    I’m sure postal carriers accept this part of the job very early in their career. There are worse loads handled by all our friendly federal servants. Also, if it leaked while in the carrier’s care, he might have to reject it and file a report.

    There’s also the chance that this dude’s postman also hate him. He may be happy to have played a part.



  4. spoon
    January 8, 2008 3:41 pm

    Cow head shipping tips for the Most Reverend Father Spoon. If you follow these steps your package should arrive in perfect condition.

    1) Drainage – Make sure you drain as much blood as possible from the head before packaging.
    2) Food Saver – Yes this may take a large bag but it will make that delicious noggin air tight.
    3) Bubble Wrap – not only is popping the bubbles fun but it will give the head more comfort while in travel
    4) towel + duct tape – It will take someone destroying your box to break the seal that your head should gush this far. Duct tape is the ultimate sealant.
    5) Ship from Staples/OfficeMax/UPS 3rd party outlet – They ALWAYS take your word for what’s in there. Would you for minimum wage? Besides, just say it’s a “collectable”



  5. chrys
    January 8, 2008 3:53 pm

    They reconciled?? Brilliant! WTF are wrong with people? Their poor child.. I suspect their future will be bright. Just don’t let daddy take you to the zoo.



  6. Still A Fan
    January 8, 2008 9:57 pm

    how many head of cattle we talkin’ bout? (in my best cowboy voice)



  7. zarum
    January 9, 2008 5:58 pm

    Revenge is a dish best served cold. Didn’t this guy meet this criteria?