Virginia Linn at the PG has an article about what you can do to pass the time as you sit in “Detour Hell” for the rest of your days on this Earth until you are freed by the sweet release of death and angels then carry you to heaven where the only orange cone you’ll ever see will be orange sorbet that tastes like rainbows and is spoon-fed to you by David Conrad (assuming he’s in his own personal hell).
Virginia’s suggestions include satellite radio, learning a new language and books on CD.
One of her suggestions?
This also could be a time to catch up on the classics. The Unabridged version of Homer’s “The Odyssey” includes 11 CDs and runs for 12 1/2 hours.
Twelve and a half hours of Homer? When drivers start accidentally launching their cars off of bridges because they fell asleep at the wheel, we’ll all know who to blame.
I’m not knocking The Odyssey. It’s a great read. But you’ve really got to sit down and read that shit. Usually the same couple of paragraphs over and over to keep all of those names straight, and even then, you might want to have the Cliff’s Notes handy. Not the best CD for getting you through Oakland.
She went upstairs and got the store room key, which was made of bronze and had a handle of ivory; she then went with her maidens into the store room at the end of the house, where her husband’s treasures of gold, bronze, and wrought iron were kept, and where was also his bow, and the quiver full of deadly arrows that had been given him by a friend whom he had met in Lacedaemon- Iphitus the son of Eurytus.
During my days of college in Texas, my sisters and I would drive from Pittsburgh to Texas several times a year and do it in less than 18 hours. We were able to accomplish this through several practices.
1. You eat, pee, and fuel up the car all in one stop. There is no such thing as a bathroom break and if you have to pee in between an “eat, pee, fuel” stop, you’re pretty much screwed. I have a sister that had to hold it one time from Cincinnati, Ohio all the way to Bucksnort, Tennessee. I think she may have cried a little. She was 21 at the time.
2. You listen to books on CD! Once, three of us were driving late at night somewhere in the middle of Hell, or you might know it by its other name — Arkansas, so engrossed in Dean Koontz’s Icebound that we would not have noticed a tornado sitting on the hood of our car much less a little traffic jam/detour.
At one point, during a super tense moment in the book, The Voice made a reveal that was the equivalent of him whispering “boo,” and we actually screamed.
So the point of this post in which I’ve suddenly veered into Julie Gong‘s awesome rambling territory is two-fold:
1. Pittsburgh traffic sucks.
2. Books on CD rock. Except Homer.
There you go.