Up the creek without a spatula … or twelve.

God bless the criminals for they (and six shots of espresso shutup) have woken me up.

Burglary, theft and criminal mischief, Ponderosa Steakhouse on Route 30 forcibly entered and a vending machine, owned by Williams Vending, of Uniontown, damaged. An office chair, two mops and 12 spatulas were taken. Damages to the vending machine estimated at $5,500.

1. Breaking into a restaurant, committing a crime, risking jail … all to steal a chair, some mops and twelve spatulas. WTF?

What do you need twelve spatulas for? You know what? I don’t want to know.

2. If I were a cop and I happened upon this crime and was able to apprehend the losers as they exited the building with their arms full of spatulas and mops, they would totally have gotten away with it because I would have hit the ground in a fit of hysterics.

3. If they went in to steal money, could not access the money and could not access the money in the vending machine after beating the $5,500 shit out of it, why not just cut your losses and get out? Why risk having your hasty exit slowed down by a chair, two mops and A DOZEN SPATULAS.

4. I bet somewhere out there, some genius criminals are standing on a very clean, shiny floor and are flipping the hell out of some pancakes like it’s nobody’s business.



  1. Mosley
    January 24, 2008 11:37 am

    “What do you need twelve spatulas for?”

    Maybe they are planning a bacon cook off and need them for the contestants. The mops are to clean up the mess from all the grease splatter, duh!

    Oh and the chair is for the Bacon judge to sit on.

    I don’t know about the vending machine, maybe they wanted a Zagnut for the ride home.

  2. bucdaddy
    January 24, 2008 11:42 am

    Think we have the makings of a dumb-criminal thread here …

    Couple weeks ago down here a guy strolled out of a Dairy Mart with a bottle (1) of Corona he hadn’t paid for. When the cops found him a very short time later, he threw the half-empty bottle at them and then led them on a merry chase before they tackled him, all the kinds of things guaranteed to have them rearrange his face.

    For Corona — the Budweiser of Mexico.

    When you see police blotter items about people shoplifting cases of beer, take note of the brand if it’s mentioned. I promise, you’ll never, EVER, see anybody tagged for boosting a case of Dogfish Head, can I get an amen, Spoon? It’s always cheap crap that they guy could have paid about $5 for a 30-pack. Yeah, I want to go to jail for Bud Light.

    Oh yeah … several years ago here a guy grabbed a carton of ciggies from a Giant Eagle and took off through the nearby woods in the dark. Good thing he had on a pair of sneakers with those blinking lights on them or he’d probably never have learned his lesson.

  3. hoboken_chicken
    January 24, 2008 1:56 pm

    Nothing says “i love you,” like the gift of a spatula.

  4. DW
    January 24, 2008 2:13 pm

    My 5 year old daughter solved this crime…it was SpongeBob. He’s a fry cook after all and loves his spatulas.

    Is the vending machine even worth $5,500 new??

  5. efw_west
    January 24, 2008 3:48 pm

    A cop friend of mine always used to say that he’s been busting criminals a long time and never once did he find a Mensa card in their wallets.

  6. bucdaddy
    January 24, 2008 6:04 pm

    By coincidence, here’s one comes across my desk today.

    A guy down here has his house robbed in July of 3 pounds of pot and a wad of cash. The cops pick up some punks for the theft. Now you’d think the guy who had his pot stolen would say to himself, “Self, if the cops know you had 3 pounds of weed in your house, maybe you’d better just lay low for awhile.”

    “Awhile” turned out to be six months. He got busted this week for dealing to an undercover officer. So did the guy who arranged the buy, and so did the woman who is presumably the wife/GF of one or both of them.

    Heh. The dumber, the funnier.

  7. Chuck
    January 24, 2008 7:58 pm

    WOW….My kid made the police blotter.

  8. Still A. Fan
    January 24, 2008 11:14 pm

    Ponderosa? well, we know they didn’t break in looking to steal meat.