Random n@.

1.  Yesterday while waiting downtown for my bus home I stood about four feet away from a woman that was smoking.  She gave her cigarette one of those ash-dropping tap-taps and I watched as the ashes managed to catch the gentle breeze that was blowing down the street.  The gentle breeze carried those ashes in my direction where they gently landed in my hair.

IN MY HAIR, PEOPLE!  My hair that is filled with product.  FLAMMABLE PRODUCT, PEOPLE!

You know what I don’t need?  I don’t need to become a human ashtray and have my hair bursting into flame as I wait for my bus.

2.   Then just a moment or two after I assured myself that my hair was not in fact currently on fire, I noticed a person walking down the sidewalk toward me, sporting some of the blondest, biggest, curliest hair you have ever seen in your life.  Not unlike, but much bigger than this.  One ash in that hair, and POOF!  It would be gone.

The jeans were tight, the makeup was perfect but thick, the jacket was fluffy and furry, and the boots?  The boots!  White, to the knee, over the jeans, and maybe … let’s say four-inch heels.  So I’m watching this person walk, nay, sashay toward and then past me and inside my head, this is what you hear:  “Whew!  Check out that piece of work!  Work it, girl.  Oh, wait.  That’s a man.  No, wait.  That’s a woman.  A man.  A woman.  A man.  DEFINITELY a man!  Work it, girl!”

Who says Pittsburgh doesn’t have larger than life characters?

3.   Then as I rode on my bus, I noticed a hair studio that is appropriately called Hair Studio.  That’s genius.  I’m going to open a restaurant and I’m going to call it Restaurant and then there will be conversations all over the Burgh that go something like this.

“Let’s go out to eat.”

“Yeah!  Let’s go to that new restaurant.”

“Which one?”

“Restaurant.”

“Which restaurant.”

“RESTAURANT!”

“OMG, you are such a stupid bitch.”

“We are so breaking up, you turd-climbing poop cleaver!”

“Fine.  I’ve been in love with PittGirl for years anyway!”

“PittGirl?  PITTGIRL?!?!  She’s nothing but a judgmental bitch.”

Oh, yes.

4.  Reader Charlie emailed me a link to this site that dialectizes any other site.  So I’m having fun reading my blog in redneck, moron, and other awesome dialects, then I read how it translated this particular passage into jive talk, and boy, did PittGirl laugh!

Slap mah fro!

5.  The world over, there will be needy people sporting 19-0 gear, thanks to a group in Sewickley.  I will never understand the need to have gear ready to be sold three seconds after the Super Bowl ends.

6.  As I linked to above in #3, it was reader Michelle that pointed out the awesome InsultMe site.  I thought of some people and randomly generated their insults.  Results:

  • Twanda Carlisle:  pimple chewing snot breeder
  • Lukey: Snot poking face butt
  • Tom Brady:  Nut sucking nerd basket
  • The Duke of Fug & the Earl of Gross:  Arse banging earwax lover

Go have fun with it, you fart-licking bum suckers!





10 Comments

  1. Eileen
    February 6, 2008 11:58 am

    1. Hey, today’s Ash Wednesday. She was just doing her part to make sure the lovely people of Pittsburgh get their ashes. So what if it was a day early.



  2. Sandy
    February 6, 2008 12:13 pm

    I’m “dat fine femahnaine ladee”! Fry mah hide! (Wait. Is that good?)



  3. Bram R
    February 6, 2008 1:29 pm

    1. All this time we’ve been worried about second hand smoke, we should have been worried about second hand fire.

    2. Careful, PittGirl. About ten years ago I used that same dialect — I believe it was called “jive” — I recognize it from the phrase “Slap ma’ fro!”. I used it to translate the annual address of the president of an organization I was in, and send it out to the rest of the d-list. I spent the rest of the week explaining that I’m not a racist and I’m sorry if you know people who don’t want to play ultimate frisbee anymore because of me. It was wild. I think it translates house to plantation and food to watermelon, if I remember. So carefee carefee!



  4. spoon
    February 6, 2008 1:47 pm

    Holy flashback! that was Joel’s website Ebonics Translator back in the day! oh man that thin was genius. because of that thing I started saying “Slap Mah Fro!”



  5. Katrina
    February 6, 2008 2:41 pm

    One of my professors told me yesterday that if you forget to get ashes today, you can just use the ash tray and it counts.
    Also, I’m a sheep shearing butt rocket.



  6. Dave in Pgh.
    February 6, 2008 2:58 pm

    Sounds like you had a chance near-encounter with Dee Snider. Is Twisted Sister in town?



  7. sickpuppy
    February 6, 2008 6:11 pm

    Nice! I’m a cork tossing spam squeezer!



  8. Still A. Fan
    February 6, 2008 7:46 pm

    pittgirl, did you admonish the woman? i sure would have. one of the proudest days of my life was an encounter with a perfect stranger. i used to take the train into work. one day i was waiting to turn left into the lot. i had my signal on….there was a small gap in the traffic and i didnt go – the guy behind me honked….which made me wait throught he next traffic break as well. i knew him well. he drove a volvo wagon and me and my train groupies called him “volvo cock”. he stood up right after the stop before ours and HAD to be the first person out of the train. he then race walked to his car and tore out of there. sure, you could think maybe his mom was sick and he needed to get home to relieve the day nurse…..but it was easier in my head to just call him a cock. well, a month goes by and one day he falls asleep on the train i guess because i was lined up in front of him to get off. while i was walking to my car i crossed a throughway and i guess i picked a slight angle instead of a straight line and the fruit loop honked at me. him car. me walk. the next morning i parked my car and walked down to the other end of the train car where he gets on. he was waiting with his train buddies (the train is a weird social experiment) and i got about 3 inches from his face and told him if he ever honked his horn at me again i was going to shove it up his ass. needless to say, he was quite startled. the important lesson is that he didnt say a word back. i calmly turned around and walked back to my “gang”. i’m hardcore bitches. i felt a little less cool when my cousin told me i’d first have to disconnect the wiring and stuff to the horn and potentailly the steering wheel to accomplish my goal.



  9. Dan (Not Onarato)
    February 7, 2008 8:04 am

    Sweet! Boner Stinking Goblin Farmer



  10. Lauren
    February 7, 2008 9:06 am

    That insult generator is so going to be useful while I’m watching Pens games, or any sporting event for that matter. I would’ve loved to call Tom Brady a snot eating butt hole picker at many points this season : )