Monthly Archives: March 2008

The great altar of active entertainment.

I love my TiVo.

Sometimes my TiVo records the programs it is supposed to record at the times it is supposed to record them. Sometimes my TiVo gets moody and cuts off the last few minutes of very important, educational programs like the Biography of Alexander Hamilton and by the “Biography of Alexander Hamilton” I might mean “Dancing With the Stars.” Don’t judge me.

I even continue to love my TiVo when it gets super bitchy and insists that I would enjoy Oprah, even though it knows how much Oprah makes me want to drink heavily, because drunk is the only way I can suffer through her bloated sense of enlightenment (just me?).

I love the bloop-bloop-bloop of fast-forwarding.

I love watching a two-hour episode of American Idol in fifteen minutes (Filler? bloop-bloop-bloop! Is Paula Abdul about to speak? bloop-bloop-bloop! I haven’t heard Paula Abdul’s voice in three years. I imagine it is very whiny.)

I love my David Conrad Wishlist.

I love my Season Passes of shows that I’m not ashamed to admit I watch (Scrubs, Numb3rs, Big Bang Theory, Miss Guided, The Shield, Men in Trees) and of shows that I delete without watching wink-wink (One Life to Live, Moment of Truth, Hannah Montana).

I love slow-mo-ing (wait. That doesn’t look right. Slo-moing? Slow-moing? Whatever) already slow-mo-ed (Slow-moed? Why is there suddenly a picture of a cow in my mind’s eye?) sports replays so that I’m watching them in SUPER slow-mo. It is this super slow-mo which revealed that Sid faked that high stick call in the last game.

I love pausing live TV.

And that brings me to the point of this post.

My sister in Texas emailed me today to tell me that she was painting her front door when her daughter, my niece, who is three — wait. I think she’s three. Let me think here. She’s short, blond, adorable, loves princesses, can’t legally drive but will totally mow your ass down if you stand in front of her princess golf-cart. Let’s go with three. — was watching my sister paint when suddenly nature called. Potty break.

“Mom. Can you pause it?”

“Uh. Pause what?”

“The painting. Can you pause it until I get back?”

Ah, yes. Raised on TiVo and forgetting that you can’t pause real life. This story makes me feel a little better about the fact that on many an occasion I have absentmindedly attempted to pause real life, or have found myself hunting through my purse for the TiVo remote so that I can rewind this little part of my life because that was my bus that just passed me up.

I guess I shouldn’t take too much comfort though, because after all, she is only three. And I’m … not.

But I am a WAY better driver.

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Random n@.

1. Officially now, I can no longer even SEE the winner of the Sportsocracy March Madness Challenge. I’m that far away, mired in something like 366th place. Here’s Shiny Quarter, sweating it out, worried, wringing his hands, wondering what is PittGirl going to do to his lame ass.

Voodoo? Juju? A wishing well drowning? Bubble gum machine insertion? Bouncy ball machine? Horsey ride at Walmart?

2. If wearing a tie without a shirt underneath, making snow angels without a shirt, or throwing a football without a shirt but with a nice nipple pinch isn’t my idea of fun, it is CERTAINLY my idea of the perfect man’s idea of fun. And if he’s got a white square for a face? Hot.

3. Bobby and Carly have officially started the Fans of PittGirl Facebook group. As it stands now I have four fans. Try not to die from your jealousy. Also, as it stands now:

  • Jim Lokay’s group: 52 members, including PittGirl.
  • David Conrad’s groups: 34 members, not including PittGirl.
  • I Love Sonni Abatta group: 56 members
  • Pittsburgh Pirates are the Greatest No Matter What group: 33 members, all of whom I’d like to meet and smack around a little bit. Maybe tase them. I don’t know.

So get cracking. Because if I can’t beat Jim Lokay at that damn bracket crap, at least I can pretend I’m more popular than he is.

4. Did you guys watch the Pens yesterday afternoon? (Pens rule!)

Can I ask? Was it just me, or was Jordan Staal EVERYWHERE in the third period? Normally I don’t notice him because I’m too wrapped up catching glimpses of my other favorites: Malkin, Crosby, Hossa, Sykora. But yesterday, Staal was all up in my face, flashing his number 11 every which way I turned. Stealing pucks, making plays, just being there. Also, here he is without a shirt. Just ’cause.

6. I’m not saying this Steeler fan got what he deserved, but goodness, every member of Steeler Nation knows not to even jokingly insult the person that will be putting your meat between the bun.

If I’m about to order a hamburger and I know that the man that will be preparing my hamburger is a Seattle Seahawks fan, I’m going to do one of two things: 1. Not eat the burger. 2. Tell the cook that while I’m wearing a Steelers jersey, I in fact hate the Steelers and think that they totally stole SuperBowl XL from the Seahawks and I’d sign a petition to that effect if I was asked.

Be smart, people! Don’t eat loogies!

7. An email from reader Shannon:

Just wondering how you feel about the Turtledove..or Dove, if you will. In my opinion, they’re the white collar form of the pigeon. I just wanted your take on them.

Hmm. I’ve never really thought about this because yes, the word dove does connote a white bird, a quiet bird, a wild bird symbolizing peace and hope, a bird that does not peck at me or poop on me or fly low just so it can smell my hair before it pecks at me or poops on me.

Yet, my quick research is telling me that there is no difference between a dove and a pigeon. Just that the dove is basically a white pigeon.

So I say kick those bastards, too.

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Gotta love the Fuel Perks.

Giant Overpriced Eagle is complaining that they paid too much for chocolate.

The O’Hara-based grocer claims it was overcharged for $200 million worth of chocolate products between 2002 and 2007.

I should care about this because price fixing is wrong. I should care about this because if Giant Eagle is paying too much for chocolate then I in turn am paying too much for chocolate. But instead of caring, one thought keeps fluttering through my mind like a butterfly on meth:

Giant Eagle complaining of being forced to pay higher prices than necessary is like the kettle calling the pot black. Like sauerkraut calling the Warheads sour. Like Jason Bay calling Ian Snell sucky. Like Lukey calling Play-Doh malleable. Like a pigeon calling Bill Belichick the spawn of Satan.

But thank God for Fuel Perks, eh?

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Random n@.

1. Tennessee is out of the NCAA championship with a ridiculous loss to Louisville yesterday. There goes my hopes of dominating the Sportsocracy contest. Damn brackets. I frickin’ hate brackets.

2. The Pirates’ Kuwata, who likely would not have made the roster, retired from baseball and was asked to pitch one final time for the Buccos of Suckitude before his retirement… he said no.

Neal Huntington even offered him a coaching job. Kuwata said no.

You see what’s happening here? If you can’t be part of the suck, you don’t want to have anything at all to do with the suck. You get as far away from the suck as you can. You do not stick around and coach the suck.

Smart move.

3. Rob Biertempfel from the Trib tells me that Byung-Yum! Kim took his cut from the team in stride:

BK didn’t exactly seem all broken up by the news. He was smiling as he packed up and left. Just as he got to the clubhouse door, he turned, gave the fellas a wave and said, “Good luck!”

You see what’s happening here? If you can’t be part of the suck …

You get the picture.

4. Sid’s back and he’s did something very cool. See the overhead puck flick at :42:

Also, Ruutu’s goal at 1:41? Brill.

(h/t Steve and this site)

5. More extras needed!

DreamWorks Pictures new feature film SHE’S OUT OF MY LEAGUE, starring Jay Baruchel, will shoot in the Pittsburgh area in April and May. Men and women of all races, 18 and over, who are interested in being paid extras as Hockey Fans on Tuesday, April 1, 2008 should call 1-888-937-3331 or go to for more information.

Paid to pretend to like hockey? Go for it!

(h/t The Mysterious M)

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My ears never burned, my nose never itched.

Boy, the one week I don’t grab the City Paper from the newsstand and Chris Potter writes this:

This morning, for example, I opened up my Post-Gazette to the Forum section’s “Cutting Edge” feature. Cutting Edge offers a weekly wrap-up of the posts from the wonderfully diverse world of Pittsburgh blogging. But I wasn’t exactly surprised to see, yet again, an excerpt from a post by the Burgh Blog‘s ubiquitious “PittGirl” — who’s been mentioned in the weekly column three times the last month, and who has been the subject of a P-G profile.

PittGirl is a fun read, and while we here at CP prefer our prose to be jingoistic and shrill — it’s an old lefty tradition — I certainly don’t begrudge her success. If anything, I hope she’s billing the P-G for providing them with so much copy. Maybe there’s a PG/KDKA-style “media partnership” in the offing. The paper’s Bill Toland was just featured on her site … proving yet again that the “Burghosphere” is just like the Burgh itself: Everybody seems to know everybody else.

Even if PittGirl doesn’t get paid, I can’t complain. City Paper has been running a “best of the blogs” feature for awhile, as has the Tribune-Review. So while I might question just how cutting-edge “Cutting Edge” really is, I certainly couldn’t fault its treatment of contributors.

My thoughts:

1. Chris Potter!  Are you saying I am NOT shrill?!  How dare you?  I can be very shrill!

2.  I have never made one cent off of this blog or anything related to this blog.  Not. One. Cent.  In fact, I have never been paid one dime for my writing in my life.  Not. One. Dime.

What the hell’s wrong with me?

3.  Although I might be mistaken, I’m pretty sure Carbolic and 2 Political Junkies have been featured just as much, if not more than this blog in The Cutting Edge column.

4.   Outside of a few emails, I don’t know Bill Toland and he doesn’t know me.


The P-G‘s obsessive attention to PittGirl, for example, comes across not as an effort to introduce newspaper readers to her blog … but as an attempt to introduce her blog’s readers to the newspaper.

Heh.  “Obsessive attention.”  Right, the PG is obsessed with me like David Conrad is obsessed with me.  Not even a little bit.

Then Bram commented at the bottom of the article:

I will say that The Burgh Blog is the most consistent, the most fullsome and fair-voiced, and the most broadly enjoyable blog I know.

Aw.  Too kind.

So to sum up:

I have no control, agreement, contact with the PG other than my occasional emails with some staffers.  I also have occasional email conversations with staffers at the Trib, WPXI, WTAE, and KDKA.  I’m a fair news junkie.  If someone from the City Paper would like to be my email buddy, feel free to contact me and tell me in specific detail how awesome I am.  OMG, I’m just kidding.

And because this blog is not my job or my life, I absolutely do not care if the PG or any news outlet decides to reprint portions of my stuff.  Maybe someday if they’re just running entire blog posts verbatim on a daily basis, I’ll demand payment.

In the form of Dunkin Donuts coffee.  Or Sonic Gift cards.

Or diamonds.

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