Loincloths bursting all over the joint.

Our trusty Pittsburgh Hilton will play host to the Booklovers Convention this April 12-20.

Before you get out your Sharpie to block off those nine days thinking, “Man, I can’t wait to sit down and have a real conversation about Anna Karenina!” I should tell you that this is The Romantic Times Booklovers Convention.

As in Fabio, tiny loincloths, swelling “members”, unsheathed “swords”, “the raging beast of his desire”, heaving bosoms, and taut flesh. And if I had my way, “tingling donkey omelets.” Bay-bee.

Before you accuse me of having my nose buried in smut, I got most of those from this HILARIOUS article.

Moving on after you’ve regained your composure, here are some of the workshop titles to make you lose it all over again:

READER: BAD PIRATES GET ALL THE BOOTY
Thursday, 10:30 – 11:30am: Move over Pittsburgh Pirates for a romance version of a grand slam. Wenches and swashbucklers unite for a fantasy hour where you get to choose who you would like to be stranded with on a deserted island.

Will David Conrad be there because really, he or any of my husbands are the only people that I’m okay with getting stranded with. And maybe Wendy Bell.

THE NIGHTWALKER STUD MUFFIN MIXER
Friday, 8:30 – 9:30am: A delightful way to wake up to your day! Delicious gourmet muffins, hot coffee and the author of those equally hot and delicious Nightwalkers, Jacquelyn Frank. Come for some one-on-one time with Jacki and leave with a happy tummy and a bag of goodies to boot!

Oh, to be in the Hilton for the first time a lost convention-goer stops an employee and asks with a straight face, “Do you know where the Stud Muffin Mixer is?”

URBAN FANTASY: DEMONS ARE THE NEW BLACK
Friday, 10 – 11am: Whether you like your sex sinful or spiritual, it’s clear that angels and demons have made their mark in urban fantasy and paranormal romance. What makes a seraph as sexy as a succubus?

Gents, if you really want to make your woman happy, call her a “sexy succubus.” We melt at that shit.

EROTICA: EXOTIC AND EROTIC: WHAT MAKES EROTICA REALLY SIZZLE. THE NUTS AND BOLTS OF MIND-BLOWING SEX
Friday, 10am – 12pm: From tantric sex and the exotic underworld all the way to the simple raw heat between lovers, what works best, where and why, straight from the writers who know how to deliver the most creative and compelling erotic romance on the page. (Bring fans and a cold drink!)

That workshop would be so much more awesome if it was entitled, The Donkey Omelets of Mind-Blowing Sex. And then some lucky Hilton employee would be on the receiving end of, “Excuse me, do you know where the [refers to convention handout] Donkey Omelets of Mind-Blowing Sex workshop is?”

MR. ROMANCE COMPETITION
Saturday, 5-7pm: Can there be that many gorgeous guys in one place? Who will the next Mr. Romance be? Come help us choose the lucky guy who will win a cover shoot with romance giant Dorchester Publishing.

COVER MODEL REUNION DINNER (Additional Event)
Saturday, 7pm – 9pm: To spice up our 25th Anniversary Convention we’ve rounded up several cover models for an exclusive, intimate dinner with these gorgeous hunks that will make a lifetime of memories. Adrian Paul (everyone’s favorite Highlander!) and Fabio will be our guests at the reunion dinner

You really must take a look at some of the contestants for this year:

Now imagine yourself on a deserted island with one of those freaks.

OMG, stop screaming.

(h/t Jennifer)





20 Comments

  1. notayinzer
    March 4, 2008 11:24 am

    Is anyone else concerned that these are the conventions we attract, the furries and the fabio-swashbucklers?



  2. Marxo
    March 4, 2008 11:39 am

    Hey

    If you want the inside scoop, Lux Magazine is covering the event -extensively-. Per its blog:

    The Romantic Times Booklover’s Convention is coming to the Pittsburgh Hilton April 16-20 and Lux Magazine Blog is going to cover it all, from what people are reading to what they’re wearing to who will be crowned the new Mr. Romance!

    Pittsburgh isn’t really known for its literary presence. We have great sports, we have great arts, and we have more bridges than we know what to do with! But when it comes to books…sadly, we’re coming up with the fuzzy end of the lollipop on that one.

    http://luxmagz.com/lux_blog/?p=25
    -end quote-

    Personally, I’m really excited to see Pittsburgh get some literary recognition. That ol’ “Godfather of Creative Nonfiction” teaching at Pitt doesn’t really do it for me anymore.



  3. Dawn
    March 4, 2008 11:45 am

    Is the photo at the beginning of this post from the same convention?

    I think that the Furries and this Romance Book convention should be held during the same week! That way there will be more Furry Romance novels, which is exactly what the general public is clamoring for!



  4. pittgirl
    March 4, 2008 11:49 am

    Dawn,

    That photo is from their 2007 convention in Houston, Texas.

    Awesome is it not?



  5. Mrs Pitsberger
    March 4, 2008 11:51 am

    You forgot my personal favorite penis description: “searing magnificence.” My best friend reads nothing but smut and she likes to share.



  6. pittgirl
    March 4, 2008 11:55 am

    HAH!



  7. proudtobeayinzer
    March 4, 2008 12:04 pm

    Do them books at the convetion center have a lot of pictures?



  8. back in the burgh
    March 4, 2008 12:17 pm

    Speaking of great literary works, Pittgirl, you were reading a ‘couldn’t put it down’ book a while back. We were all interested, but you didn’t want to reveal what it was for fear someone would locate you on a bus … has enough time gone by that you can share the title of the book that kept you up all night? Inquiring minds want to know!



  9. chrys
    March 4, 2008 12:36 pm

    yikes.. when I see Fabio or anything that remotely looks like him, I feel the bile rising into my throat. yuk.. It’s nice to know Pgh opens the heart and takes the money off of these people..



  10. Pensgirl
    March 4, 2008 1:58 pm

    I’m a mystery-lover, and I always figured I’m just not made for the romance genre. But this post made me realize: it’s not the concept, it’s the cover models. I’d travel to a deserted island just to get away from them!

    I’ll take the guy from your last post. ;)



  11. cultlord
    March 4, 2008 2:02 pm

    It’s still not as bad as the furry convention they’ve had here for the past two years. Nothing worse than seeing two furries try to enter the Tap Room. Nothing better, though, than them being asked to leave.



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  13. dwight
    March 4, 2008 4:25 pm

    Oh, come on, PG, that Cherif Fortin wouldn’t be so bad to be stranded with.



  14. justretiredguy
    March 4, 2008 7:40 pm

    You forgot “Quivering mound of pleasure”.



  15. Trish
    March 4, 2008 9:12 pm

    My personal favorite is “love grotto.”

    And (hangs head) I actually went to one of these a few years ago, back when I wanted to write fiction and tons of people told me that romance was one of the easiest genres to break into. It was one of the most surreal experiences of my life, particularly the “Mr. Romance” contest where I would bet body parts that NONE of the contestants were straight.



  16. DW
    March 5, 2008 12:29 am

    pittgirl,
    Last year they even had a save a horse ride a cowboy reader party. I think it would be a fun filled five days.



  17. JP
    March 5, 2008 8:51 am

    I think its great (serious)that we get wacky conventions. These people are all pretty harmless and they are greatful for a place to get together and do their thing. We could develop a great niche market in Pittsburgh by catering to groups of people who are not your average convention goers. I think a they people who sit out side the convention center and protest the furries or get all worked up are nuttier by a long shot



  18. Monty
    March 5, 2008 10:11 am

    Chuck Norris’ wife wanted to read a romance novel. So he pooped out Fabio and kicked him in the face.



  19. Nina
    April 12, 2008 11:32 pm

    I’m glad pittgirl posted. Sadly, when women try to have fun and post tongue-n-cheek references about fiction, we’re immediately labeled as freaks or illiterate. I got news for you. You want freak, go read a scifi novel. The kink in those pages would rival or beat any romance novel any day. But since the scifi isn’t dealing with people forming a monogomous, long-lasting pair bond, it’s not sneered at. Go figure.

    Trish, darlin’, the only reason you should hang your head is because you believed writing is purely about picking a genre you think is easy to break into, and then believing your friends when they told you said genre was romance. Over 200 romance novels published each month. Wanna figure what the editors’ slush piles look like? Oh yeah, don’t bet your body parts unless you want to lose them. Most of the contestants have wives or girlfriends who are actually in attendance.

    The cover model stuff is one night. Yes, there are fun parties. These are readers who are wives and mothers putting up with the prerequisite crap the rest of the year. They deserve some fun. The bulk of the meeting, however, is made up of semimars. Readers talking about what they like and don’t like in books. Editors forcasting trends. Authors discussing finer points of writing. Booksellers discussing marketing plans. And at the end of it all, a big ol’ giant book fair open to the public. Not so weird n’ wacky after all.



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