His searing magnificence.

I’ll tread lightly here because it’s a delicate subject, but I’d like to talk about penises for a moment if I could.

Cool?

Why, you ask? Because there are two separate things that I saw that cracked my shit up. Neither of those was a penis, by the way.

1. I never read spam mail, obviously. Particularly not the emails that promise to make my penis giant, because, well, I don’t have a penis. But the other day I went to delete a spam and almost spit out my chai.

Under the subject of “I wanted to release tension” was this message:

Have a cannon in your pants the size of a howitzer!

Wow! A howitzer? Can I say, howitzer is a word we don’t use nearly enough these days. That’s a fun word.

After regaining my composure, I decided to troll my junk mail folder (2,705 emails currently sit there) to see other fun ways the spammers have found to get men to click on their links. My faves that were emailed to me in JUST THE LAST SIX DAYS. If you really want a chuckle, read them with a foreign accent. ANY foreign accent.

Get a barrel-sized pecker today! Click here!

When her panties come down, you better make sure you have an impressive size weapon in your pants

Do not let them mock at small weener!

Your girlfriend loves big jang but the problem is that you have small one.
Do not worry! You have astonishing chance to solve this trouble.
Now you can increase your machine size.
You’ll be a king of bed for sure.

Have you heard of the kangaroo pounder? You will find it right between your legs with this miracle solution!

Gain the greatest Schlong ever!

Turn your trouser mouse into a MONSTER schlong!

And on and on they go.

2. I had on, I think it was Galavision or maybe Univision a while back when a commercial came on for an ED drug/vitamin and it made me laugh because while in America we like to veil the names of our ED drugs/vitamins with names like Viagra, Cialis, Levitra, etc. the names of pills from this company leave NO QUESTION as to their intended purpose:

  • ErectoMax
  • SexoMax
  • And for the ladies, BossomMax

Gee. Why not just call it, “These Pills Make Your Pee-Pee Giant Big!”

I guess I didn’t tread very lightly, did I?

(h/t to Mrs. Pitsberger for the post title)





21 Comments

  1. chrys
    March 7, 2008 11:33 am

    I personally enjoy the commercial that comes ( no pun intended!!) on late at night for Extenze.. “for that certain part of the male anatomy..” I guess since the commercial is on so late at night, they still can’t say the word penis??

    I would love to meet the idiots that buy this crap.. all it going to do is deflate your wallet..LOL!!



  2. Stephanique1
    March 7, 2008 11:55 am

    “impressive size weapon”?? Oh.dear.god! Just the thought makes me want to shield my vagina.



  3. Bram R
    March 7, 2008 11:55 am

    Wow, I didn’t know lady-types also got the e-mails for jang enlargement. And who sponsored that one, Borat?



  4. John
    March 7, 2008 12:09 pm

    I hate that Viva Viagra commercial.



  5. Dave in Pgh.
    March 7, 2008 12:10 pm

    “Kangaroo pounder”??? I will never think of Captain Kangaroo in the same way again.



  6. pittgirl
    March 7, 2008 12:15 pm

    Stephanique,

    HAH!



  7. Erik
    March 7, 2008 12:30 pm

    The best one I ever got said, and I quote,

    “ERIK do you want KNOCK DOWN WALLS with your ENORMOUS COCK”

    I’ll leave structural demolition to the professionals, thankyouverymuch.



  8. unsatisfied
    March 7, 2008 1:06 pm

    stephanique — that sounds like an infomercial just waiting to happen:

    ladies — are you afraid of your man after he takes that little pill in order to make that “certain part of the male anatomy” bigger?

    does your man want to knock down walls with his enormous “certain part of the male anatomy”?

    does your lover have a cannon in his pants the size of a howitzer — and, does it scare the hell out of you?

    well, FEAR NO MORE!

    INTRODUCING — the RONCO VAGINA SHIELD!

    now, YOU can deflect that bigass schlong coming at your va-jay-jay with barely any effort at all!

    just strap the ronco vagina shield over that “certain part of the female anatomy” and the shield will take care of the rest. viagra boy won’t know what hit him!



  9. Stephanique1
    March 7, 2008 1:11 pm

    unsatisfied – that stuff is too funny. My co-worker just walked in and is probably wondering why my face is beet red from stifling laughter.



  10. justretiredguy
    March 7, 2008 3:53 pm

    I think it was SNL that did a spoof commercial for “Dr. Frankenheimer’s Boner Juice”.



  11. toni
    March 7, 2008 4:20 pm

    On the other hand….my mother once had a friend that sent away for an unspecified breast enhancement product. She received a rubber man’s hand…..

    Wonder what they send you for the howitzer?



  12. MountaineerHoo
    March 7, 2008 4:26 pm

    Best spam I ever received was a picture of Shredder from the “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” doing the nasty to April with a caption that read “The pills made him soooo sweet!”
    (p.s. bucdaddy, if you see this: I’m not Wendy, nor do I know her)



  13. parkingchair
    March 7, 2008 4:37 pm

    My favoeritew is one that asks “Do you want your semen to shoot out instead of dribbling out?”

    Tell me, ladies of the BurghBlog, do you women judge a man by the velocity of his liquid projectiles?

    I mean, that could give me a whole new situaiton to be paranois about!



  14. PittGirl
    March 7, 2008 5:37 pm

    unsatisfied, you would have gotten bonus points if you’d worked the word “bajingo” in there somewhere. Tsk.



  15. bucdaddy
    March 7, 2008 5:40 pm

    Jeff Kay’s blog is the West Virginia Surf Report. On it he has a list fo Rules of Thumb. One of them is:

    If a man says he has a large penis, he has a small penis. If a man says he has a small penis, he has a small penis.

    Busts me up. Another one is:

    One of the qualifications for being a basketball coach is the ability to look like you just can’t fucking believe it.



  16. bucdaddy
    March 7, 2008 5:43 pm

    MountaineerHoo,

    That was my best guess, now I’m kinda stuck. Help me out a little. “Hoo” would be a reference to UVa maybe?



  17. unsatisfied
    March 7, 2008 6:10 pm

    PittGirl — “bajingo”!!! dammitalltohell, you’re right, I blew it — 20 slaps upside the head with the ronco vagina shield for me.

    and, I need all the bonus points I can get — just ask spoon.

    but, don’t I get anything for using “va-jay-jay”?



  18. spoon
    March 7, 2008 6:22 pm

    unsatisfied, that is SO 2006. if you wanted to get old school you coulda said “hoochie coochie la la la”.



  19. MountaineerHoo
    March 8, 2008 12:17 am

    For reasons beyond my comprehension, something keeps changing the word “penis” to “vagina” on my screen which makes this post and comments hilarious to read. bucdaddy, let’s take this conversation to the link above!