I’d say we’re about due for a good ole’ fashioned pigeon post right? I mean really, when last did I take the time to willfully and knowingly piss off some pigeon lovers?
1. So there’s a pigeon war being waged in England (TEAM DEATH!), with pigeon breeders apparently destroying rival pigeon breeders’ crops to the tune of 50 or 70 at a time.
He said: “I don’t know whether I will be able to build it back up again, because you can’t keep spending that much money.”
What’s the big frickin’ deal? Get yourself a boy pigeon, then get yourself a girl pigeon, throw them in the coop and in about 13 minutes you’ll have 445 new pigeons that have already covered your place in shit.
2. I watched this commercial for WrestleMania forwarded to me by reader Rick…
…and I want to say that at first I was like, “Wow. Who is this loser who is ugly and wants to be a surfer dude actor? Keanu Reeves you are not, sir!”
And then he kicked the bird and violently beat the shit out of the bird. And I was all, “That man is the hottest man who has ever lived.”
I mean, yeah, it’d be nice if you’d hold a door for me, or place me in the car first, or stand when I enter or leave the room, or remember that my favorite flower is the Gerbera Daisy, but the real question is, would you kill a pigeon in violent fashion for me?
3. Finally, on my way home on the bus this afternoon I was going to do my usual counting of the pigeons wherein I giddily play in my head the exact way I would bring death to that pigeon there (dismemberment), those three pigeons there (birdshot), those six pigeons there (hmmm. Not sure, but probably it would involve a blowtorch. Or better yet, a HOWITZER! Yeah, bay-bee!) and before I know it I’ve lost count but probably by the time my bus finishes its circling of downtown, I’ve seen about sixty-thousand pigeons (plus or minus three).
Burghers, may God send a pigeon to bite me in the ass right now if I’m lying to you. I didn’t see one single pigeon today. Not a one.
PittGirl, I said to myself. The pigeons. They are up to something.
Stay home tomorrow.