Random n@.

1. You know that thing I said about maybe after such and such a date, I would find more time? Yeah, that didn’t happen. As it does every year, that springing forward shit kicked my ass.

2. So I gotta ask:

Is there any other kind of St. Pat’s celebration other than the drunken kind? Is it really celebrating St. Pat’s if you’re sober?

3. Future Smokin’ Hot Burgher Byung-YUM! Kim saw his first action yesterday against the Phillies where he gave up a solo homer on his very first pitch. We’ll call that nerves. He then retired the next three batters he faced. We’ll call that AWESOME!

Hey. It’s the Buccos of Suckitude. Every little bit counts.

4. Speaking of the Buccos of Suckitude, an email from reader Benny:

You’ll be the first to hop on the Pirates’ band wagon when they start to win. So you should stop calling them the Pirates of Suckitude or whatever you call them.

I responded:


BUCCOS of Suckitude and holy hell, 15 years of losing = major suck.


What’s it to you, I wonder?

And Benny says (not to go all journalist on your asses, but edited for space):

Yes, I know 15 years of losing does make everyone think they suck. I am 25, so a big chunk of my life includes the Bucco’s losing. Please don’t think I am classifying the Bucco’s with the Penguins, but do you remember the Penguins of a couple of years ago? They flat out sucked and people hated them. I just don’t like it when Pittsburgh fans bash a Pittsburgh team. Ya know what I mean? I’m not saying you are a fairweather fan, but I can’t stand two-faced fans. Fans who boo you one second but praise you the next.

But I appreciate your sense of humor in all of this. I was expecting a smart a$$ comment back. And like I said before, when I check your site 3 months from now and the Bucco’s are 2nd in the division, you better not be like, “Root root root for our home team, a new Pirate generation everybody shout LET’S GO BUCS!!”



A. THINK they suck? Benny, Benny, Benny. That is the very definition of DO suck. 15 years of losing = suck is right up there with E=MC2 and pigeons = Beelzebub.

B. 2nd in the division?! Are you smoking crack, right now?

Hey, I for one have always tried, tried, tried to stay positive about the Buccos, but this year, I’ve decided screw it! Maybe if I just keep saying how much they suck, Murphy’s Law will kick in and they’ll prove me wrong.

Bucs = Suck!

I’ve never wanted so badly to be wrong in my life.

5. Speaking of the Buccos of Suckitude again, Billy Crystal will play for the Yankees when they take on the Pirates this week. I think it’s only fair if the Yankees get to play Billy Crystal we should at least be permitted to sign Michael Keaton for a game. You know. Add some much-needed talent to the team at least for nine innings.

Anyone know where the bat-signal is?

(h/t PittCheMBA, who had the same idea about Keaton, and Leo my Facebook friend)

6. Whoever (Zober? Zober? Zober?) wrote Lukey’s March Neighborhood Message, in addition to refusing to write either the word move or forward (bite me), also must have had their “Word a Day” calendar stuck on the word “proactive.”

  • I want to keep Pittsburgh a place that you are proud to call home, and we are taking proactive measures to ensure that you can.
  • Working with the Pittsburgh Bureau of Police, we have answered the call to re-establish proactive police presence in our neighborhoods.
  • We found that the existing process was too reactive. In order to confront the problem and make real changes, we needed to be proactive.
  • I ask that you, too, seek opportunities to improve your neighborhood, to further enhance our efforts to proactively address blight and crime.

Either that or Lukey walked into a meeting all, “Billy P told me I need to be more proactive. Write some shit about how frickin’ proactive I am. I got his proactive right here. Wait, isn’t that an acne medication? Whatevs. Make it happen. Holla atcha late-ah. Baby Face out!”


  1. PittCheMBA
    March 11, 2008 9:56 pm

    #4 – 2nd in the Division? Absolutely ridiculous

    #5 – Mondesesi’s House, http://mondesishouse.blogspot.com/index.html, suggested comedian Dennis Miller. Can someone create a celebrity Burgh Dream Team to replace the Pirates? Sign up Michael Keaton, Dennis Miller, David Conrad, Jeff Goldblum, Christina Aguilera, Amber Brkich, etc. Females, yes, they are probably better than the current roster.

  2. Michael
    March 11, 2008 9:58 pm

    RE: #1
    Can we please make this daylight “saving” thing just go away?

  3. xena
    March 12, 2008 1:06 am

    #4. Dear Benny, The best we can hope for is that the Pirates will learn to throw to the correct base, keep track of the outs, and not swing at every pitch. That will be a good season, just playing recognizable baseball.

    #5. No. And on St. Patrick’s Day, a Pittsburgher has to miss Froggy’s, where the drunks got a head start with 3-shot martinis and you practically had to walk on them to cross the room, sort of like how the ducks walk over the carp at Pymantuning. I was once engaged in what appeared to be a reasonable St. Pat’s conversation with a women who passed out in mid sentence, pitching over backwards like a falling tree.

  4. lilacspecs
    March 12, 2008 3:20 am

    Hi there. First of all, the Pirates have sucked since I was 11 years old, which is 15 years ago. They just do, and it seems they probably always will, but it’s the Pittsburghers who can acknowledge the suckitude and continue to embrace the Buccos that are true Pittsburgh fans. Pragmatic folk who can bite their lip and say, “Man, these guys will be awful for eternity, but they’re the Buccos and I still love ’em.” Doesn’t make you fair weather at all, just realistic.

    Oh, and as a born and bred Pittsburgher who expatriated to Belgium I would just like to say that the lack of St. Patty’s celebration here is scandalous. I will sorely miss my Jameson and Guinness chasers this year. I only ask that everyone in Pittsburgh have an extra drink for me this year.

  5. Still A. Fan
    March 12, 2008 6:06 am

    that looks more like kent tekulve.

    and benny, i think pittgirl makes fun of the buccos like someone makes fun of their little brother. it’s ok if people who live here do it – but it’s almost affectionate and nobody else better do it.

    or, maybe she really does hate them….

  6. Bram R
    March 12, 2008 8:03 am

    xena’s #4 = hi-styerical … look folks, Pirates management has an end of the bargain to keep. Are they trying to win? Like, are they at least hustling to the bag? No?

    When they start winning, even a little, MAYBE I’ll jump back on board. Go ahead and sue me in fair-weather fan court.

  7. anon_burgher
    March 12, 2008 8:11 am

    sorry pittgirl…gotta side with benny. show love to the pirates – the steelers and the pens get it. and it wasn’t too long ago that both of them SUCKED and all of pittsburgh was rooting only for the buccos.


  8. Chad
    March 12, 2008 8:37 am


    The Steelers and Pirates get it because they deserve it. Because they have highly competent organizations that field regularly competitive teams. When they suck, they suck for a year — or, at worst, a couple of years — and are even then in the process of rebuilding the team, so that they emerge from their suckitude and soon compete again.

    In the past 15 — count ’em, 15 — years of Pirates suckitude, the Steelers have had only 3 losing seasons. During that time, they’ve had 10 playoff appearances, including 6 conference championship appearances, 2 Super Bowl appearances, and one Super Bowl victory. The Penguins have had only 4 losing seasons. During that time, they’ve had 10 playoff appearances, including 5 conference semi-finals appearances and two conference finals appearances, are currently a lock to make their 11th playoff appearance, and have assembled what most hockey analysts consider to be the best young team in the game.

    We can talk about the Pirates’ glory days of the 70s — when, by the way, the Steelers were winning 4 Super Bowls — or about those three great years in the early 90s — when, by the way, the Penguins were winning 2 Stanley Cups — all we want, but that does not change the grim facts, nor the piss-poor results, of the battlin’ Buccos during the last decade and a half.

    That franchise, with a considerable assist from the taxpayers, has built the best ballpark in the country. For that, we should be grateful. Absent that, they have not done one thing — unless, of course, you count bobblehead nights and fireworks displays — to reward their loyal fans with anything more than consistent incompetence and the occasional, fleeting whiff of mediocrity.

    If we’re still showing them love after that, our out-of-town friends should have an intervention and force us to get help at a Battered Sports Fans’ Shelter.

  9. TheTruth
    March 12, 2008 8:41 am

    Sorry Benny, but The Pirates SUCK, They really, really SUCK.

    Pirate fans are sheep and Nutting is their shepherd.

  10. DW
    March 12, 2008 8:48 am

    Unfortunately if the Pirates have a losing season again this year, they will have the longest losing streak in any of North America’s four major professional sports.

    Worst … team … ever. Can we make them a really good Triple A team?

  11. unsatisfied
    March 12, 2008 8:58 am

    chad — word.

    even when the pirates were losing 100+ games/season back in the early 50’s — they at least had a winning season once in a while.

    I wonder if “anon_burgher” is really bob nutting.

    I’d write more, but I need me some more coffee….

  12. PittGirl
    March 12, 2008 8:59 am

    Is there anything better than Chad Hermann using the word “suckitude”? Nay. There’s not.

  13. Gunn Lino
    March 12, 2008 9:00 am

    ” the occasional, fleeting whiff of mediocrity”, ya gotta love that statement. It says it all. Thanks Chad.

  14. John
    March 12, 2008 9:01 am

    At least the Succos got rid of their “We Will” campaign this year. Of course, that means I won’t be able to make any more “We Will Walk More Batters Than Any Team in the League” or “We Will Take Incompetency to New Levels” jokes any more.

  15. bucdaddy
    March 12, 2008 9:19 am

    I hate St. Patrick’s Day and New Year’s Eve. They bring out all the amateurs. I’ll stay home, thanks, and drink the other 363 days (364 this year, yay!).

    And I loves me some beer, but Guinness? Not so much.

  16. PittGirl
    March 12, 2008 9:29 am

    I think a Buccos shirt with “The occasional, fleeting whiff of mediocrity” would be a best seller, yo.

  17. Mrs Pitsberger
    March 12, 2008 9:37 am

    A reader named Benny, who is giving you shit and complaining about two faced fans who “boo you one second and praise you the next.” Hmmmm. Could it be the Duke?

  18. PittGirl
    March 12, 2008 9:44 am

    Def not The Duke because if you’ve ever read the Duke’s blog he….writes….like….this….


  19. Judge Rufus Peckham
    March 12, 2008 10:34 am

    Chad commenting on The Burgh Blog? There goes the neighborhood! Who’s next, Carl Sandburg?

  20. Paul K
    March 12, 2008 11:03 am

    I think that the Pirates should sign up Antonio Salieri –


    …he is after all the Patron Saint of Mediocrity.

  21. Eileen
    March 12, 2008 11:16 am

    Hey, it took the Steelers 40 years to get it right. They had their FIRST winning season in 1971.
    Just tryin to find a bright side.

  22. spoon
    March 12, 2008 11:18 am

    Saying that we shouldn’t vocalize the pirates suck is like giving every freaking kid an award for playing a sport. Let’s coddle our Buccos so they don’t have to deal with the harsh reality that they, as an organization, suck. I don’t care if it hurts your feelings Bucs. Go see a shrink if the big bad MLB is too tough to deal with. I swear the Bucs are a reflection of the whacked parent mentality that everyone is a winner and you, are special. Yeah! yeah yeah ! go Neil! You’re the bestest!

    That doesn’t mean I’ll stop watching or going to games but after 15 freaking losing years I, and everyone else, has the right to say that this team shines suckitude.

  23. Eileen
    March 12, 2008 11:31 am

    Spoon, you hit the nail on the head.

    As for Lukey and his bust on St. Paddy’s Day. He’s probably Polish. (only joking)
    Seriously, 250,000 drunks, 37 police officers.
    That approx. 1 police officer for every 6800.
    Yeah, that will stop them. Sure.
    Again, he has to sound like he’s doing something.

  24. PittsburghKid
    March 12, 2008 11:46 am

    As a former employee of the Pirates…I must say that Michael Keaton is my hero. He was asked to come and throw out the first pitch of the 2006 season, and during the press conference before that pitch proceeded to bash the worthless owners of the Pirates…Around the office we had to pretend we hated him…while inside I was just applauding him…hopefully, someday, we’ll have a good team.

  25. Sooska
    March 12, 2008 11:51 am

    Dear Benny- The Penguins were never HATED when they were bad because we KNEW ownership would come through ASAP as soon as they had an arena deal. Well now,they did, didn’t they? So, where is Buccos of Suckitude Ownership? Still spending dimes on so-called players and sitting in a box sucking their $6 hot dogs whiel they don’t invest anything back into the franchise, that’s where. Love, Sooska

  26. unsatisfied
    March 12, 2008 11:51 am

    spoon — as usual, right on. testify, brutha.

    eileen — we are NOT talking about the succos winning a TITLE. I don’t think anyone in this town — benny included (he picks them for only 2nd in the division 3 months from now) — can think that they can win a TITLE this year or anytime soon.

    we’re talking about the fact that they have not had a winning SEASON (a plus-.500 record) in 15 years.

    as for the steelers — they won their first title of any kind in 1972 (which got them into the playoffs to allow franco to make the “immacculate reception.”

    the steelers first winning season was 1942 — and, they had quite a few of them before 1972.

    and, I am pretty sure that as bad those old steelers teams were back then before ’72, they didn’t go 15 years without winning more games than they lost.

    going back to benny’s comment I mentioned above — hell, with the NL central division being the way it is, the succos could very well be in 2nd place 3 months into the season. but, who cares about that? it’s how they finish — and, everyone here knows that august is always a brutal month of reality for your pittsburgh baseball club.

    so, welcome to season #16 of suckitude.

    until the succos are sold, it’s bobbleheads, skyblasts and pierogie races for everyone!

  27. justretiredguy
    March 12, 2008 12:39 pm

    I have been in something like 23 or 24 St. Patrick’s Day parades since 1980. There ain’t no way they are going to be able to reduce this drunk fest.

    To most people, St. Patrick’s feast day is just an excuse for a party, and for some catholics it is just an excuse to party during lent.

  28. anon_burgher
    March 12, 2008 1:00 pm

    Hey chad…didn’t realize the sports history of pgh only started in the 70s. read the history books, brotha.

  29. Ex-Pat Pittsburgh Girl
    March 12, 2008 1:23 pm

    So, after a little bit of research… between 1933 and 1972 the Steelers had 15 seasons where they went .500 or better. That includes the years when they were the Pirates (1933 through 1940 seasons), Steelers (1941 and 1942), Steagles (1943), Card-Pitt (1944) and back to Steelers (1945 through present). During that time period, the longer drought between winning seasons was 8 (1964 through 1971 seasons).

    I love all of my hometown teams, including the Bucs, whom I lovingly refer to as the Bums. I love them so much that I’m entering my 18th season as a season ticket holder and I haven’t lived anywhere near Pittsburgh since 1998. Can’t help myself. When I was six (1974) and someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, for some reason I said a Pirates season ticket holder. Anyway, as my Dad keeps reminding, it’s my money and I can choose how I flush it down the toilet any way I like.

    Finally, I miss Pittsburgh St. Patrick’s Day parade festivities. My favorite was the one during the blizzard of 1993.

  30. Pittsburgh Tom (in NJ)
    March 12, 2008 1:31 pm

    #6 – Maybe Lukey is hoping to score some of that Proactiv acne crap if he uses the word “proactive” enough. Come on. You just know he watches those infomercials. That’s probably where he learned the word.

  31. Eileen
    March 12, 2008 1:53 pm

    In the forty years from 1933-1973 the Steelers had 26 loosing seasons.
    But ya know, that’s like comparing apples and oranges
    I wasn’t talking about winning a title, I’m just hoping we can get over .500 one of these years. (hopefully in my lifetime)

  32. Chad
    March 12, 2008 2:05 pm


    Thanks for the condescension. Oh, yes: and for not refuting a single thing I wrote.

    If you want to live in the history books, by all means, do so. But Honus Wagner and Pie Traynor and Paul Waner and Ralph Kiner — and, hell, even Bill Mazeroski and Roberto Clemente and Willie Stargell — have about as much to do with today’s Pirates as William Pitt or David L. Lawrence do with Pittsburgh. They’re just great names of the past to whom our current crop of bumblers dishonor more and more with each passing day.

    I don’t think it’s much of a stretch to go back only thirty years for a perspective on the last fifteen. (Especially since you were the one invoking how things were “not too long ago.” When did you mean? The 60s? The 50s? The 1880s?) And I don’t think it’s too much to ask for an allegedly major league franchise to produce one winning season, much less one playoff season, in a decade and a half. (Even perennial losers like the Cincinnati Bengals and Arizona Cardinals have managed that much.)

    You invoked a time when “all of Pittsburgh was rooting for the Bucs.” That sounds like a nice — if hopelessly quaint and distant — memory. We’d all love to see it happen again. But in the meantime, I won’t hold my breath. Nor will I hold it against the two franchises in this town that, over the past fifteen years, have proven they can produce consistent winners and, perhaps even more importantly, keep their collective heads out of their competitive asses.

  33. Judge Rufus Peckham
    March 12, 2008 3:36 pm

    I am vexed by Chad’s latest comment. Does Chad have any inkling how old the universe is? Allow me tell him: It is many, many years old. Some would call it “ancient.” Measured by “universal time,” the great Barney Dreyfuss, who owned the Pirates until his death in 1932, has been gone for just the blink of an eye. I can’t tell you how many times a day I reminisce about the exploits of this great man — it’s “Barney Dreyfuss” this, or “Barney Drefuss” that. Yet, Chad and his ilk are content to toss Mr. Dreyfuss, and other dead persons nobody remembers, onto the scrapheap of history as a “distant memory.” Try telling Mr. Dreyfuss’s grandchildren, if there are any, that he’s just “a distant memory,” or his other surviving relatives, if any.

    Would Chad refer to Abraham Lincoln, or Moses, or Ed Sullivan as “a distant memory”? Enough said.

    Chad makes the breathtaking assertion that Pirate greats of yesteryear “have about as much to do with today’s Pirates as William Pitt or David L. Lawrence do with Pittsburgh.” To him, Pirate immortals are “just great names of the past.” One twisted assertion is piled atop the next until they collapse upon each another to reveal a Rorschach inkblot of a seriously troubled man who stubbornly refuses to live in the past. I wonder how Chad enters PNC Park. Does he not pass by the lifelike statues of Clemente, Stargell and Wagner like the rest of us? Perhaps Chad is lowered into his seat via helicopter so that he can avoid walking with common folk next to these reminders of the Pirates’ gloried heritage.

    The point of all this is self-evident, Chad: Pittsburghers have a civic obligation to root, root, root for the Pirates, for the sake of Barney Dreyfuss and various other deceased persons. The fact that the team has been lousy since Barry Bonds was skinny, the fact that the Nuttings — the trustees of the dreams of little boys and girls — are content to thumb their nose at the fans while making a profit, is completely beside the point. You see, the Pirates simply deserve our support, for reasons I can’t think of right now. But I am sure that someday, I will think of one or more such reasons, and that will be just further proof that you are wrong.

  34. Adios el-Kabong
    March 12, 2008 3:56 pm

    I’m with the Judge, as always. We’re not worthy.

    Remember Bobby Darin’s maxim: “They hear what they see.” In this case, what Pghrs “see” (and want) is that link to the great old teams – which the team encourages in any number of ways, from PNC mimicking Forbes, to the unis the team wears, for heaven’s sake. So there’s a link all right. If you don’t believe me, ask Mazzie or Blass. (Or even, God forbid, Jim O’Brien. Serious hat tip on that recent item, Judge.) It’s real.

    On St Pat’s Day, Pgirl, it’s like New Year’s Eve – many Irish cringe at the amateurs coming out for one day to pretend. Leave the drinking to the professionals. And a tip for the amateurs – there is no such thing as green beer, just like there is no such thing as a short sleeve dress shirt. Both are abominations before the Lord. Selah.

    Btw, since the 17th is during Holy Week, no dispensation to break your Lenten promises should you have unwisely decided not to drink during the season. THAT’LL keep the drunk numbers down.

    Now move forward.

  35. Bram R
    March 12, 2008 4:31 pm

    You guys are just like Rowdy Roddy Piper and his Ace, Bob Orton!

  36. bucdaddy
    March 12, 2008 5:37 pm

    Now that I look at a calendar, I see that I’ll probably be beering up considerably the day AFTER St. Pat’s, whilst in attendance at the Drive-By Truckers festivities at Mr. Small’s (barring another blizzard). Who’s with me?

  37. Gunn Lino
    March 12, 2008 6:12 pm

    Sorry Judge I’ve got to side with the Chadman on this, true the old days and the immortals were/are great and wonderful, awe inspiring in fact. (Except for Davy Lawrence, biggest crook of all time.)
    But living for and in the old days is one of the ‘Burghs biggest problems, steel is gone, aluminum is gone, chipped ham is gone so is 25 cents a gal gas, and on and on.
    So “The Buccos” of days past are gone, live with it. Yeah, wonderful ball park great statues, marvelous memories, but memories nonetheless.
    We were all children once but we grew up, Pittsburgh refuses to grow up and face reality, the Bucs suck!

  38. Nate
    March 12, 2008 6:40 pm

    As I read the comment at #34, I began to hear “The Colonel Bogey March” being whistled in the background. Thanks for putting old man Chad in his place, Judge.

  39. Brian
    March 13, 2008 7:49 am

    Bram B, way to name drop Piper and Ace. A cast (or coconut) to the head of anyone who gets upset when people rip the Bucs. I mean, I watch them, I follow them, I go to games, but only because I enjoy the sport. I certainly don’t expect anything competent to happen (like, a few years ago when they could have gotten Ryan Howard from Philly for Kip f*king Wells!) and I don’t plan on packing away any money for playoff tickets. Basically, the team doesn’t deserve the benefit of the doubt at all anymore because they’ve lost that right. Yes, give them credit for luring sheep to the ballpark with promises of bobbleheads, Skyblast, pierogie races, and all that, but the product on the field is bad and won’t get better any time soon. I know the Nuttings keep saying they’ll spend when the time is right, but judging by the talent and the people in the organization who evaluate such talent, I’m pretty sure they know they can keep the rubber band around their wallets.

    Earlier, someone made reference to the Steelers losing for 40 years. True. But the NFL was a developing league (it wasn’t even the NFL for quite some time before they got right) and they had a bad business model of trading away draft picks and only recruiting local talent. Bad model, they changed it, and now look. Hey, the Pens took some time to find their legs too, but holy hell, can you be anything but way excited for all of this? When was the last time the Bucs gave you a reason to be excited or believe? 1997? And that was a mistake because their division was so awful. Don’t get upset when people bash the Bucs. It’s been too long, man. I think people want to love the Bucs, but it’s like having a guy/girl who keeps promising to take you out to a wonderful dinner only to pass out drunk each night playing Nintendo (because he/she was too cheap to upgrade to a PS2 or even a PS, for eff’s sake).

  40. Brian
    March 13, 2008 7:50 am

    Sorry … Bram R. Where did I get B?

  41. Chad
    March 13, 2008 4:39 pm

    I’m with you, bucdaddy.

    Should be a scorcher. The Truckers always put on a hell of a show.

  42. Kelli
    March 17, 2008 8:52 am

    It sucks the Truckers being here on a weeknight. I’m such an old lady – plus I missed so much of last week out sick, there is no way I can go.

    First time I’ve missed them in awhile. Though, I have to admit, I am a bit anxious to hear what they sound like without Jason Isabell.

    Also, I totally believe that the Pirates will have a winning season, just barely. Because, they suck so hard, they won’t even be able to set a new record for suckiness. They will pull off a barely winning season and be remembered in history as the guys who sucked so bad they couldn’t even lose right.

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