Update: Apparently my Spy took pictures of the wrong room. This might be Andy Warhol’s room, which makes so much more sense. My Spy has been waterboarded. But I still want to keep the post up because we all like to read what David Conrad has to say, right? Also, who knew Andy Warhol liked Panera Bread!?
I said I was going to do this David Conrad post last Friday, but then I got all distracted and shit and then put it off until today.
Reader Jordan commented:
So, uh, where is the David Conrad you promised? Bait us with something great and then not deliver? Who are you? Pitt Panthers?
First of all: Oh, SNAP!
Second of all: Here it is!
As you recall, when last we were with David Conrad he was having a room designed for him at the Home and Garden Show, along with other famous but dead Burghers.
I stealthily sent a spy to the show and instructed said spy to snap me a few photos of David’s room for posting to the blog. Check the large images out here and here. Those photos raised some very interesting and loud thoughts in my brain, the first of which was:
1. HOLY RETRO NIGHTMARE, BATMAN!
Seriously. There are several things in the room(s) that if I fell asleep immediately after glancing at them, surely I would dream of scary, colorful, teethy things.
So this right here, the entire color scheme of the happy, swirly, catty room, was the first proof that David Conrad and I are polar opposites, particularly when it comes to decorating taste. So far apart are we that if David Conrad is Miami, Florida, then PittGirl is the planet Tatooine.
2. I noticed the Panera bag on the floor and that gave me pause.
Did David request that bag to be there? Does David love Panera and he wants the Burgh to know? He doesn’t seem like the type, right? So I posed the question to David and his response was:
Anything with a Panera bag in it should have nothing to do with me as I hate those places and all their food-mall-come-to-occupy-the-neighborhood connotations. They probably helped sponsor the show and that’s the kind of thing that will makes one sigh and say no to anything like this in the future.
This right here, this disdain for Panera and other such franchises, was the second proof that David Conrad and I are polar opposites, because I was just in Panera the other day happily devouring a bowl of French Onion Soup all, “Mmmmmm. Good. I love you, Panera Bread!”
3. I noticed this photo on the wall and wondered who it was.
David didn’t have anything to do with that picture and wrote:
I don’t have a photo of anyone in my kitchen except my dad.
This right here, this love for his father, is the first proof that David Conrad and I are kindred spirits because we both unabashedly love our fathers.
4. Then I noticed the bowl-thing on the counter that appears to be filled with stuff.
I wondered what stuff David Conrad keeps in the bowls in his loft. David wrote:
In bowls, I keep change, pencils, the occasional stub, a civil war bullet, a button I don’t want to throw away yet but can’t wear, my Southwest f.flyer card that I forgot to bring to LA, someone’s number I can’t bring myself to call, a sharpener, maybe a bottle cap, a cork from my neighbor’s snazzy vineyard, symphony tickets, small plastic animals, Japanese yen, a photo of Alexi mooning the camera, a small piece of iron from a furnace in Rankin.
And other stuff.
This right here, this random list of tchotchkes is the second proof that David Conrad and I are kindred spirits — well not so much “kindred spirits” as much as “PittGirl is a devoted stalker.” Because I knew immediately who “Alexi” was. That is Alexi Morrissey. David’s co-star in Dumpster.
I’ll take “David Conrad” for $1 million, Alex Trebek!
Also, who is David Conrad not able to bring himself to call? This puzzle is just eating and eating at my brain, because who would THE David Conrad ever be afraid to call? I don’t care if it’s a hot chick or the Queen of England. He needs only to pick up the phone, dial the numbers, and be all, “It’s David Conrad, bitch!”
5. Finally, David mentioned:
Looks nothing like my place.
Whew! That is good to know because like I said before, nightmare.
6. If you think the fact that David Conrad and I are very very different sorts of people would in any way at all affect how much I admire, respect, and stalk him, or that it in any way affects his status as the imaginary self-united husband and future best friend of PittGirl, you couldn’t be more wrong.
He’s mine. Back off.
7. The World Trade Center?!?! WTF?