I had planned to take today off, I did. My oldest sister is in town and I’ve been enjoying chitchatting and not going to work and just kind of drinking coffee and blasting the suck that is certain American Idol contestants.
But then I checked my emails to see if anyone had written me all, “Where the hell are you today, damn it?!” Just so I could feel guilty about taking a day off, you know? And would you believe that approximately zero people have written me that very question!?
Troysus, you’ve got me digressing here.
There’s a reason I’m writing to you and that is this. I want you to be very very very aware that while you might be growing that shittastic beard because perhaps your wife likes it, or perhaps because it gives you a modicum of anonymity when you’re out and about, or perhaps because you’re growing it for Jesus, that when I see you with that grotesque animal lying dead on your face showing me its rotting ass, all I can think of is that you, Troysus, the very epitome of peace, love, goodwill, joy to all men on earth, and NOT lopping the heads off of Americans, are looking very much like Osama Bin Laden. While you may be able to make Jeff Reed’s hair look good, you cannot, under any circumstances make roadkill look good.
If you haven’t already, PLEASE shave it off before ALL of the hot goes away.