A pigeon quandary from reader Jennifer:
I have a problem. Pigeons have taken up residence in the roof overhanging my back door. This also happens to be right up against the windows to my bedroom and my sons room. So we hear them. Cooing. Coo Coo Coo every morning and all day. And worse yet, when I go outside I can see one of them sitting with his backside positioned hanging over the edge of the roof. I think he is waiting for me so he can defecate on me.
I tried a plastic snake but it didn’t work. My son wants to put a real venomous snake up there, but I’m not crazy about that idea, unless someone has a trained snake. Any ideas? Ever hear of this? Of all people I thought you might have some sympathy and some idea how to get rid of them. I don’t mind taking EXTREME measures, if you know what I mean. Help!
I’ve got sympathy by the truckloads for you, and boy, asking me how to kill pigeons? That’s like asking Emeril Lagasse how to spice up a dish, or asking David Conrad how to be awesome, or asking the Buccos of Suckitude how to be sucky. It’s ingrained in my soul.
I particularly love you for asking about EXTREME measures. However, I wouldn’t go with a real live snake because snakes slither and are scary and do you really want to be watching One Life to Live one day, look over and realize the snake quit its pigeon scaring job and is sitting on the couch next to you with a bowl of Cheetos in its lap all, “Girl, I cannot believe she just slapped Antonio! Bitch has NERVE!”
Well, there’s the robotic falcon, but they’re pricey.
Or, you might try putting one of those fake owls up there. They’re cheaper, but as an expert in pigeon death, I’m surprisingly not aware if pigeons fear owls. As an expert in how much pigeons suck and are fearless, I wouldn’t put it past them to eat the fake owl or at the very least Chuck Norris it right off the roof with the words “Nice try” pecked into its chest.
Extreme measures you could employ would be Davy Jones’ Locker (but I still can’t tell you what that involves), shooting them (seriously! This guy even recommends it. Arm yourself and go nuts. Trust me, after a few dead pigeons, the pigeons will wise up and realize a gun lives at your house.), or check out this site for some hilarious suggestions (the language I should warn you though, is rated R). My faves:
Aren’t they supposed to explode internally if you feed them Alka-Seltzer?
I don’t know … yet.
I got shat on by a pigeon tonight. You need to terminate those f@*&ers with extreme f@*%ing prejudice.
- A good slingshot? Those things are a joke until one actually sees a good slingshot in action, and one is in a “whoa, dude, you just took that pigeon’s head off” situation.
- When they started trying to sit on the window outside my room, I bought a spray gun and took delight in nailing them in the face. Seriously though, it’s not the SCKRITCHIIITCHTCH that will annoy you in the long run. It’s the COOOOOCOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOO.
- I’ve heard something about peas being great for choking pigeons to death.
- Seriously. 22 rifles are hella quiet (especially with some coaxing whichmayormaynotbelegal) and if you’re only popping 100 feet or so, you can’t miss. Body blow! Body blow! Knockout! boink boink boink
- what you need is a pigeon trap then, once they are in the trap, they are way easier to kill.
- When I was in the airforce we had pigeons in a cobra’s hanger. We had to wash the helicopters every day to prevent rust. We tried to shoot them, poison them – nothing worked until someone brought a pair of hawks. A pair of hawks don’t shit as much as a flock of pigeons.
Jennifer, I think it’s time you ask yourself, where can I get me a gun with a scope, some war paint, and a pair of hawks?
Or you could try these real measures that won’t get you arrested: The BirdSpike 2001 (which, if you get those, can I come over and watch the pigeons impale themselves? I won’t cackle too loudly, I promise.) or the Bird Scare Predator Eye, but come on, not even pigeons are that stupid.
Good frickin’ luck with the smart little diseased demons!
P.S. HOLY SHIT! Run, little girl, RUN! (h/t th3t3chb0y)