Dear PittGirl,

A pigeon quandary from reader Jennifer:

Dear Pittgirl,

I have a problem. Pigeons have taken up residence in the roof overhanging my back door. This also happens to be right up against the windows to my bedroom and my sons room. So we hear them. Cooing. Coo Coo Coo every morning and all day. And worse yet, when I go outside I can see one of them sitting with his backside positioned hanging over the edge of the roof. I think he is waiting for me so he can defecate on me.

I tried a plastic snake but it didn’t work. My son wants to put a real venomous snake up there, but I’m not crazy about that idea, unless someone has a trained snake. Any ideas? Ever hear of this? Of all people I thought you might have some sympathy and some idea how to get rid of them. I don’t mind taking EXTREME measures, if you know what I mean. Help!

Dear Jennifer,

I’ve got sympathy by the truckloads for you, and boy, asking me how to kill pigeons? That’s like asking Emeril Lagasse how to spice up a dish, or asking David Conrad how to be awesome, or asking the Buccos of Suckitude how to be sucky. It’s ingrained in my soul.

I particularly love you for asking about EXTREME measures. However, I wouldn’t go with a real live snake because snakes slither and are scary and do you really want to be watching One Life to Live one day, look over and realize the snake quit its pigeon scaring job and is sitting on the couch next to you with a bowl of Cheetos in its lap all, “Girl, I cannot believe she just slapped Antonio! Bitch has NERVE!”

My suggestions:

Well, there’s the robotic falcon, but they’re pricey.

Or, you might try putting one of those fake owls up there. They’re cheaper, but as an expert in pigeon death, I’m surprisingly not aware if pigeons fear owls. As an expert in how much pigeons suck and are fearless, I wouldn’t put it past them to eat the fake owl or at the very least Chuck Norris it right off the roof with the words “Nice try” pecked into its chest.

Extreme measures you could employ would be Davy Jones’ Locker (but I still can’t tell you what that involves), shooting them (seriously! This guy even recommends it. Arm yourself and go nuts. Trust me, after a few dead pigeons, the pigeons will wise up and realize a gun lives at your house.), or check out this site for some hilarious suggestions (the language I should warn you though, is rated R). My faves:

Aren’t they supposed to explode internally if you feed them Alka-Seltzer?

I don’t know … yet.

I got shat on by a pigeon tonight. You need to terminate those f@*&ers with extreme f@*%ing prejudice.

Ding!

  • A good slingshot? Those things are a joke until one actually sees a good slingshot in action, and one is in a “whoa, dude, you just took that pigeon’s head off” situation.
  • When they started trying to sit on the window outside my room, I bought a spray gun and took delight in nailing them in the face. Seriously though, it’s not the SCKRITCHIIITCHTCH that will annoy you in the long run. It’s the COOOOOCOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOO.
  • I’ve heard something about peas being great for choking pigeons to death.
  • Seriously. 22 rifles are hella quiet (especially with some coaxing whichmayormaynotbelegal) and if you’re only popping 100 feet or so, you can’t miss. Body blow! Body blow! Knockout! boink boink boink
  • what you need is a pigeon trap then, once they are in the trap, they are way easier to kill.
  • When I was in the airforce we had pigeons in a cobra’s hanger. We had to wash the helicopters every day to prevent rust. We tried to shoot them, poison them – nothing worked until someone brought a pair of hawks. A pair of hawks don’t shit as much as a flock of pigeons.

Jennifer, I think it’s time you ask yourself, where can I get me a gun with a scope, some war paint, and a pair of hawks?

Or you could try these real measures that won’t get you arrested: The BirdSpike 2001 (which, if you get those, can I come over and watch the pigeons impale themselves? I won’t cackle too loudly, I promise.) or the Bird Scare Predator Eye, but come on, not even pigeons are that stupid.

Good frickin’ luck with the smart little diseased demons!

PittGirl

P.S. HOLY SHIT! Run, little girl, RUN! (h/t th3t3chb0y)





10 Comments

  1. Marc
    March 28, 2008 8:21 am

    I’m just thinking of Big Daddy “Hey Sonny look at this!” and Sandler goes out and there are hundreds of dead birds on the roof.



  2. Cindy T.
    March 28, 2008 9:03 am

    This might work — temporarily string a few foil throw away pie pans across the roof. It’s supposed to scare them. The inflatable owl did not work for us. If fact, I think they made friends with it.



  3. eileen
    March 28, 2008 11:13 am

    We had the same problem in our old house. You couldn’t even see out of my son’s window past the pigeons.We put Vasoline on the window sill and gutters so they couldn’t get a grip and would slide of. Believe it or not, it really worked.
    I think there is some product you can buy just for that porpose, but our roof guy said it was nothing but Vasoline to make them slide off.



  4. eileen
    March 28, 2008 11:16 am

    Sorry, slide OFF. Those damn pigeons need to slide off.



  5. cultlord
    March 28, 2008 11:40 am

    You would never survive Boston. The Pigeon Problem is worse than Pittsburgh. They have benches for you to sit, but put it this way: You would never want to. They look like they’ve just been painted.



  6. Jennifer
    March 28, 2008 11:47 am

    Thanks PittGirl and readers. I’ll be pulling the 22 out of storage at granny’s house, stringing some BirdSpikes, and, my favorite suggestion, greasing up the back of my house with an industrial tub of Vasoline. As for watching them impale themselves, I’ll buy a case of beer and we can order out.



  7. John Davies
    March 28, 2008 4:15 pm

    Subsonic .22 ammo is quieter (but not exactly quiet). Part of the noise of regular .22 ammo is the crack of the bullet breaking the sound barrier.



  8. justretiredguy
    March 28, 2008 4:32 pm

    A good pellet gun is quiet and will kill a pigeon (if you get a decent pellet gun). I had robins trying to nest on my deck, on the light by the patio door. They would start rebuilding every time I tore it down. Someone reccommended wasp and hornet spray. I sprayed a good amount on the brick around the light (it doesn’t stain), and they never came back.



  9. susan
    April 3, 2008 4:25 am

    my father did this years ago,
    soaked whole feed corn in 190 proof grain alcohol.
    they get drunk, fall off the roof, then you wring their little necks.
    dead pigeon bodies fed the fish in the Ohio.

    they shat (ding) was destroying the roof, they had to go.



  10. Kathy
    September 25, 2008 10:49 am

    I have tried almost every “humane” pidgeon repellant on the market. Owls-2; balloons-dozens; a twirley; that awful sticky gel that was applied to every horizontal surface on my adobe house; wires; nets, etc. I spent a small fortune on Bird-B-Gone products.
    I’ve also invested in an arsenal of air-soft guns, from pistols to a machine gun. Lately I tried rice mixed with rat poison. The result, my pidgeon popualtion has grown from 10 to 35. The surfaces of my home that I covered in sticky bird gel are now covered in shit, feathers, dirt and anything else that flies through the air – unfortunately it can’t be washed off (I will now have to experiement with all kinds of chemicals to clean this up, meanwhile making myself ill in the process). All so that I could be kind to flying rats. In this case f-PETA.
    I’m now using a pistol bb gun, today I’m buying a 22.