That's Church

A pigeon quandary from reader Jennifer:

Dear Pittgirl,

I have a problem. Pigeons have taken up residence in the roof overhanging my back door. This also happens to be right up against the windows to my bedroom and my sons room. So we hear them. Cooing. Coo Coo Coo every morning and all day. And worse yet, when I go outside I can see one of them sitting with his backside positioned hanging over the edge of the roof. I think he is waiting for me so he can defecate on me.

I tried a plastic snake but it didn’t work. My son wants to put a real venomous snake up there, but I’m not crazy about that idea, unless someone has a trained snake. Any ideas? Ever hear of this? Of all people I thought you might have some sympathy and some idea how to get rid of them. I don’t mind taking EXTREME measures, if you know what I mean. Help!

Dear Jennifer,

I’ve got sympathy by the truckloads for you, and boy, asking me how to kill pigeons? That’s like asking Emeril Lagasse how to spice up a dish, or asking David Conrad how to be awesome, or asking the Buccos of Suckitude how to be sucky. It’s ingrained in my soul.

I particularly love you for asking about EXTREME measures. However, I wouldn’t go with a real live snake because snakes slither and are scary and do you really want to be watching One Life to Live one day, look over and realize the snake quit its pigeon scaring job and is sitting on the couch next to you with a bowl of Cheetos in its lap all, “Girl, I cannot believe she just slapped Antonio! Bitch has NERVE!”

My suggestions:

Well, there’s the robotic falcon, but they’re pricey.

Or, you might try putting one of those fake owls up there. They’re cheaper, but as an expert in pigeon death, I’m surprisingly not aware if pigeons fear owls. As an expert in how much pigeons suck and are fearless, I wouldn’t put it past them to eat the fake owl or at the very least Chuck Norris it right off the roof with the words “Nice try” pecked into its chest.

Extreme measures you could employ would be Davy Jones’ Locker (but I still can’t tell you what that involves), shooting them (seriously! This guy even recommends it. Arm yourself and go nuts. Trust me, after a few dead pigeons, the pigeons will wise up and realize a gun lives at your house.), or check out this site for some hilarious suggestions (the language I should warn you though, is rated R). My faves:

Aren’t they supposed to explode internally if you feed them Alka-Seltzer?

I don’t know … yet.

I got shat on by a pigeon tonight. You need to terminate those f@*&ers with extreme f@*%ing prejudice.

Ding!

• A good slingshot? Those things are a joke until one actually sees a good slingshot in action, and one is in a “whoa, dude, you just took that pigeon’s head off” situation.
• When they started trying to sit on the window outside my room, I bought a spray gun and took delight in nailing them in the face. Seriously though, it’s not the SCKRITCHIIITCHTCH that will annoy you in the long run. It’s the COOOOOCOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOO.
• I’ve heard something about peas being great for choking pigeons to death.
• Seriously. 22 rifles are hella quiet (especially with some coaxing whichmayormaynotbelegal) and if you’re only popping 100 feet or so, you can’t miss. Body blow! Body blow! Knockout! boink boink boink
• what you need is a pigeon trap then, once they are in the trap, they are way easier to kill.
• When I was in the airforce we had pigeons in a cobra’s hanger. We had to wash the helicopters every day to prevent rust. We tried to shoot them, poison them – nothing worked until someone brought a pair of hawks. A pair of hawks don’t shit as much as a flock of pigeons.

Jennifer, I think it’s time you ask yourself, where can I get me a gun with a scope, some war paint, and a pair of hawks?

Or you could try these real measures that won’t get you arrested: The BirdSpike 2001 (which, if you get those, can I come over and watch the pigeons impale themselves? I won’t cackle too loudly, I promise.) or the Bird Scare Predator Eye, but come on, not even pigeons are that stupid.

Good frickin’ luck with the smart little diseased demons!

PittGirl

P.S. HOLY SHIT! Run, little girl, RUN! (h/t th3t3chb0y)

I had planned to take today off, I did.  My oldest sister is in town and I’ve been enjoying chitchatting and not going to work and just kind of drinking coffee and blasting the suck that is certain American Idol contestants.

But then I checked my emails to see if anyone had written me all, “Where the hell are you today, damn it?!”  Just so I could feel guilty about taking a day off, you know?  And would you believe that approximately zero people have written me that very question!?

Troysus, you’ve got me digressing here. 

There’s a reason I’m writing to you and that is this.  I want you to be very very very aware that while you might be growing that shittastic beard because perhaps your wife likes it, or perhaps because it gives you a modicum of anonymity when you’re out and about, or perhaps because you’re growing it for Jesus, that when I see you with that grotesque animal lying dead on your face showing me its rotting ass, all I can think of is that you, Troysus, the very epitome of peace, love, goodwill, joy to all men on earth, and NOT lopping the heads off of Americans, are looking very much like Osama Bin Laden.  While you may be able to make Jeff Reed’s hair look good, you cannot, under any circumstances make roadkill look good.

If you haven’t already, PLEASE shave it off before ALL of the hot goes away.

Yours,

PittGirl

(h/t Kris)

Petr Sykora:

Versus the Burgh’s own Ryan Malone:

If you know me at all, you know I’m kind of icked by Ryan’s body, so my vote is for the happily-married and proud of it Petr Sykora.

1.  I’m over Jason Castro and his gorgeous eyes, sticky dreads, and ‘sup, dude? ‘tude.  I’m getting over Brooke White’s Who? Little ole me? furrowed eyebrow schtick.  I’ve been over David Archuleta’s lip-licking, heavy-breathing singing and I was never under any other contestant.

Now, in addition to finding Michael Johns suddenly worthy of my listening ears, it is David Cook, the former gum on my shoe, the former pigeon poop in my hair, the former coffee speck in my coffee that I am now madly in worship with.  I want to take his songs, scritch their chins, and give them a permanent home inside my ear where they can live out the rest of their days on random repeat.

The dude has made me love not only Lionel Richie’s sap-tastic “Hello,” but now I can’t get frickin “Billie Jean” out of my head.

Billie Jean!

2.   PittGirl = Bigfoot?

No, you bastards!

I’m more like Chewbacca, right, Woy?

Ssssssssexy beast!

3.   Damn you, accurate spidey-senses!

Well there goes my next Smokin’ Hot Burgher.  Off to find me another one.  Maybe a Penguin?  Ryan Malone? Petr Sykora?  I’ve got shirtless pictures of both of them.

Or maybe an anchor?  Newlin Archinal?  Kelly Frey?  But I don’t have any shirtless pictures of them.

4.  From the PG:

Avril Lavigne stood at center stage last night at the A.J. Palumbo Center in a black tank and black jeans, a pink streak running through bleached blonde hair, and boasted, “I’m the best damn thing that your eyes have ever seen.”

No, Avril, THIS is the best damn thing that my eyes have ever seen.

(h/t to whatever awesome reader sent me that link because the email is gone now.  Sorry!)

5.   Burgh photographer Mark Bolster has an awesome Pittsburgh photo book for sale in bookstores.  This is an ALMOST perfect gift for every Burgh-lover.  If you want to make it PERFECT, tuck the next PittGirl shirt inside it and then watch as your loved one opens the book, looks up at you and says, “Who the hell is PittGirl?!”

6.   WTAE, realizing that Troysus might be forced to cut his gorgeous mane of hair, has decided to see what Troysus would look like with other people’s hair and my God, Troysus even manages to make Jeff Reed’s hair look half-decent.

Although, Troysus could probably make Strawberry Shortcake’s hair look good.

(h/t Toni)

7.   Pens rule!  Clinch playoff berth!  Sid who?

Just kidding.  Don’t write me all pissed, okay?

Boy, that warmonger kid Lukey is not content with a war on snow, a war on potholes, a war on electronic billboards, or a war on ethics.

He’s now warring with some members of City Council and if Bruce Kraus is to be believed, Lukey made the following threat:

“His exact words to me were, ‘We’re coming after you,’” Mr. Kraus said. “I said, ‘If you feel that best serves the interests of the people of Pittsburgh, to cripple city council, have at it.’”

Mr. Kraus added that the mayor specifically threatened to cut council staff salaries, and said, “‘And there’s more where that came from.’”

We’re coming after you?

There’s more where that came from?

What is this?  Under Siege 3?  Actually, no, not even Casey Ryback would have ever said anything so hilariously lame.

I bet Lukey has a cadre of “Yo Mama” jokes he’s just dying to bust out.

(My personal favorite:  Yo mama’s so poor, she can’t even pay attention.)