Do you suppose we’ll ever finally get to the point where people, and in this case weird Burghers, quit trying to sell odd-shaped food stuffs on eBay?
1. A french fry in the shape of the Nike swoosh for the low low price of ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
2. A potato shaped like a baseball glove. Who wants a potato shaped like a baseball glove? No one. Except the Buccos of Suckitude who in desperation would be all, “We’re going to try something different.”
3. A torso-shaped carrot out of Rochester. The seller says it’s a great “conversation piece.” Yeah, the next time I’m having dinner with my harem of imaginary self-united husbands and they get into a fight over who gets to feed me dessert, I’ll be all, “Matt, Daniel, and David. Hey! LOOK AT THIS CARROT SHAPED LIKE LEGS! Let’s have a quiet conversation about this here carrot shaped like legs.”
4. And if the carrot shaped like legs doesn’t work well enough to stop their impending fistfight, that’s okay. I’ll distract them with this Willy Wonka Nerd shaped like an ass. Look! It’s a teeny tiny orange bum-bum!
5. And there’s this genius out of Clairton who wants you to buy a COUPON to buy a cornflake that is shaped like South America. Now, lucky for you the COUPON only costs $1.50, but to have that coupon mailed to you, you’re looking at an additional $13.95.
And that’s when I had to quit mining because my head lamp began flickering off and I was about to be overcome by the fumes from the gross amounts of Stupid that were starting to affect my vision. I’m lucky I got out alive.