I might have to kill myself. Coming up at 11.

As written in Thong of Fire and mined by reader TC, a little birdie dropped some real gutta shit in my ear.

The little birdie has told me that a rumor is floating around KDKA regarding my identity.  While I don’t like to post rumors about my identity very often, I must share this one.

The rumor is that PittGirl is ……. KEN RICE!

Here’s why that rules.  I want you to put a picture of Ken Rice in your head, perhaps sitting behind the anchor desk in his blue suit and eyebrows.  Serious face.  And I want you to imagine Ken Rice saying any of the following sentences I have written recently and in the past, and saying it with a straight newsman face and his deep newsman voice, and after each one, I want you to add, “Coming up at 11:00.”

  • Would you say that the Asshat is thugalicious?
  • My latest 80s/90s obsession is Bryan Adams.  HAWT!
  • Two snowy days in a row here in the Burgh.  I’m sure any minute now KDKA will let us know that the world is ending.
  • I’m still trying my very hardest to un-see the naked body of Santonio Holmes and it’s. Just. Not. Working.  I might have to kill myself.
  • Take a deep breath and smell the very very stinky suck that is Buccos of Suckitude Baseball.
  • Dan Onorato just loses his mind and starts offing birds like the avian mob.
  • As it does every year, that springing forward shit kicked my ass.
  • There were several points during yesterday’s game that I was close to offering my womb for baby-growing.

I love Ken Rice.  I would wear a shirt saying as much.





33 Comments

  1. plexxer
    April 24, 2008 9:51 am

    You would wear a shirt saying you love yourself? Who are you trying to be, Ron Burgandy?

    I still love you, Pittgirl. Unless you really are Ken Rice. Then I would just love your hair.



  2. JT
    April 24, 2008 10:04 am

    and your ties



  3. Lily
    April 24, 2008 10:27 am

    I’m also hearing him say something about wearing do-me-boots.



  4. parking chair
    April 24, 2008 10:44 am

    As long as your last name isn’t Steigerwald, I’m good.



  5. blech
    April 24, 2008 10:45 am

    and your eyebrows



  6. unsatisfied
    April 24, 2008 10:47 am

    don’t you mean “eyebrow”?

    you have to have more than one eyebrow in order to have “eyebrowS”.



  7. Brian
    April 24, 2008 10:57 am

    Yeah, OK, whatever, Ken Rice. I noticed the snarkiness and smart-assedry Rice dumps on poor weatherman Jeff Verszyla every night at 10 so happens to mirror what goes on here, minus the asshat, pigeon hate, I-won’t-look-at-Santonio’s-penis front you put up. Way to go, Ken Rice. Outted.

    :-)



  8. Sooska
    April 24, 2008 11:18 am

    from TWM yesterday: “But my pal JP — that’s PittGirl, to the rest of you” …so unless Ken Rice’s initials are “JP” or TWM is a joker I can now narrow it down. Where’s the phone book? or I could just go to 411.com



  9. pittgirl
    April 24, 2008 11:20 am

    Sooska, if you email me, you will see that I sign off on my emails as JP, this is because my Hotmail account is registered under my OTHER fake name: Jane Pitt.



  10. PD
    April 24, 2008 11:37 am

    Ken Rice JP PG oh what a tangled web we weave…



  11. RavishingRick
    April 24, 2008 11:53 am

    I guess Ken would look like your silhouette, in a dress
    with a wig, nice legs
    I thought it was Sonni



  12. bucdaddy
    April 24, 2008 12:26 pm

    If Ken were a chick he’d be Frida Kahlo, right? Right?



  13. blech
    April 24, 2008 12:33 pm

    unsatisfied – touché



  14. dwight
    April 24, 2008 12:43 pm

    Ken! I totally can see you being a Daniel Sepulveda kinda guy!



  15. JamieO
    April 24, 2008 12:54 pm

    I am going with Wendy Bell. I could see her having a straight girl crush on herself.



  16. JamieO
    April 24, 2008 12:55 pm

    I should add, if this is indeed Ken, the idea of a blog post written by him hoping for warm weather so he can wear open-toed shoes is profoundly disturbing.



  17. Pensgirl
    April 24, 2008 1:32 pm

    Ken Rice = PittGirl is the best non-Penguins “news” I’ve heard all year. I didn’t think I could enjoy Ken any more, but that would do it hands down.

    Congrats on titling a sitcom, PittGirl!

    Also, who knew the Riceman was so into David Conrad? Ida figured him for a Goldblum boy…quirky, sardonic, kinda edgy….



  18. Magnus Patris
    April 24, 2008 2:29 pm

    PittGirl is….. Katherine Baker Knoll! Think of that when you think of her saying, “do me boots”, “As it does every year, that springing forward shit kicked my ass”, etc.



  19. John
    April 24, 2008 3:01 pm

    Ken Rice = PittGirl. Bwahahahahaha! Funniest thing I’ve heard today. Thanks, PG. Needed that.



  20. Jono
    April 24, 2008 3:14 pm

    Having met Ken Rice before, there is something incredibly amusing about picturing him writing this blog.



  21. PittCheMBA
    April 24, 2008 8:14 pm

    PittGirl will do anything to keep her identity a secret. What an ingenious way to keep the Benny/pigeon/Pirate lover minions away.



  22. Still A. Fan
    April 24, 2008 9:14 pm

    what would be hilarious is if she lived in tulsa



  23. Pinto Alegre
    April 25, 2008 12:15 am

    Had to share this Ken Rice story. Years ago Bob Pompeani had a really “loud” suit on and Ken Rice was cutting to him for the sports report and made some kind of smart aleck comment about his clothing. Bob laughed like “I’ll get you back mf’er” and then did the sports report. When he was done, he said “Back to you unibrow!”

    Ken sat there and had this look on his face like “um..no you didn’t!” It was priceless.

    And for the record, there’s no way that PittGirl is Ken Rice — because PittGirl is actually Dee Thompson!



  24. Billy
    April 25, 2008 6:12 am

    Dear Ken Rice…I Like Your Eyebrows…I bet you smell like oatmeal…But not regular oatmeal…Really good oat meal like peaches and cream oatmeal



  25. Brian
    April 25, 2008 7:02 am

    I have the perfect solution. You wear your “I love Ken Rice shirt” next Tuesday. I will contact the rest of the city and outlying suburbs and warn others not to wear a shirt that says “I love Ken Rice”.



  26. Dawn
    April 25, 2008 9:54 am

    @Pinto Alegre

    There’s no way PG would tollerate standing in front of a salt pile for hours on end just in case it snows (and ruining her stylish boots, mind you)! Could you really see the response to:

    “Hey, PG, go hang out in front of Heinz field and talk about Baby Mamma Drama. Yes, I’m aware that it’s 4 Am and there’s no one actually ~there~…”

    HA!

    And FYI: When Dee Thompson is seen in a studio, we’ll know the apocalypse is nigh…



  27. DW
    April 25, 2008 10:20 am

    PittGirl is really Jan Beatty drumming up more press.



  28. deebee
    April 25, 2008 10:50 am

    I have always thought PittGirl is really Don Cannon.



  29. Ex-Pat Pittsburgh Girl
    April 25, 2008 12:30 pm

    I like not knowing PittGirl’s real identity. If you think about it, for those of us who love Pittsburgh (even if we have moved away), there’s a little bit of PittGirl in all of us.



  30. emstef23
    April 25, 2008 12:36 pm

    I too love not knowing PG’s identity, though as I read her blog, I can’t help but think to myself – “damn, she’d be an awesome friend to have!”



  31. BobM
    April 25, 2008 1:27 pm

    PittGirl is….. Katherine Baker Knoll! Think of that when you think of her saying, “do me boots”, “As it does every year, that springing forward shit kicked my ass”, etc.

    I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.

    Actually I’m leaning more toward Fred Honsberger as PG.



  32. beaner
    April 25, 2008 4:21 pm

    AWESOME rumor PG!
    nice, very nice



  33. Dan (Not Onarato)
    April 28, 2008 1:11 pm

    come on…

    Everyeone knows that Sally Wiggin is PG…

    I mean who else does “do-me boots” better?