As written in Thong of Fire and mined by reader TC, a little birdie dropped some real gutta shit in my ear.
The little birdie has told me that a rumor is floating around KDKA regarding my identity. While I don’t like to post rumors about my identity very often, I must share this one.
The rumor is that PittGirl is ……. KEN RICE!
Here’s why that rules. I want you to put a picture of Ken Rice in your head, perhaps sitting behind the anchor desk in his blue suit and eyebrows. Serious face. And I want you to imagine Ken Rice saying any of the following sentences I have written recently and in the past, and saying it with a straight newsman face and his deep newsman voice, and after each one, I want you to add, “Coming up at 11:00.”
- Would you say that the Asshat is thugalicious?
- My latest 80s/90s obsession is Bryan Adams. HAWT!
- Two snowy days in a row here in the Burgh. I’m sure any minute now KDKA will let us know that the world is ending.
- I’m still trying my very hardest to un-see the naked body of Santonio Holmes and it’s. Just. Not. Working. I might have to kill myself.
- Take a deep breath and smell the very very stinky suck that is Buccos of Suckitude Baseball.
- Dan Onorato just loses his mind and starts offing birds like the avian mob.
- As it does every year, that springing forward shit kicked my ass.
- There were several points during yesterday’s game that I was close to offering my womb for baby-growing.
I love Ken Rice. I would wear a shirt saying as much.