There are certain things you shouldn’t have to see before 9:00 a.m.

An empty cup of coffee.

A pigeon.

An email from your boss.

Your boss.

A clearly wasted, partying hard in Vegas Jeff Skippy Skeeve Foul Dwarf Reed wearing any of the following:  A tiara, a slut, a taffeta sash, or a bib that says, “I [heart] dick.”

I bet Franco Harris has never worn a bib that says “I [heart] dick” and allowed his photo to be proudly snapped.  I bet there is no woman with a picture of a very naked Lynn Swann showing off his steely mcbeam in her shower.

Look.  Yes.  Life is great when you’re a rich Steeler.  You’re only human.  You’re a man.  With wants, needs, faults.  Women throw themselves at you, even when you’re a dwarf as foul as Jeff Reed.  The women still want you.  YOU’RE ONLY HUMAN!  I get it.  But must your faults and missteps and sexual conquests be so diligently and widely documented?

Stop BEING GIANT NASTY SMELLY DOUCHE BAGS convinced that this newfangled digit-all camera technology doesn’t really take your picture in a manner that allows it to be almost instantly uploaded to the masses so that they can point at you and likely scream in horror.

Keep it in your pants.  Grow up.  Don’t get wasted in public.  Don’t beat up the mother of your children.  Do realize that part of being an over-paid professional athlete means that you need to operate with a different set of morals than you would perhaps live by were you not a Steeler.  So that the gazillions of kids that idolize you don’t ever Google your name and accidentally stumble across a high-res picture of your donkey omelets and your “tree trunk dong” (tm Mikey from KISS 96.1 in an email to me).

(h/t photos from Jim, story from Mikey from The Freakshow, Father Spoon who wrote “people probably thought it was Mario Lopez’s mentally challenged brother”, and DW)

Category: Steelers, Weird Burghers | tags: Steelers | April 30, 2008 | | ShareThis