That's Church

My nephew is six, is funny, is adorable, is blond, is smart and has a habit of pointing with his middle finger.  He does it when he shows me his homework and says, “Look how I can write!”  He does it when we’re at the park and he says, “Hey, look at that bird!”  And he does it when he says, “Why is Aunt PittGirl over there kicking that bird, Mommy?”

And I have never looked at him and said, “Oh, yeah, kid?! Well, EFF YOU, TOO!”

This is because I am an intelligent person that can discern between when someone is truly giving me the finger and when someone is USING their middle finger.

Other people?  Not so much.

They think Tom Gorzelanny The Bobblehead is flipping us all off.

Instead of possibly, just maybe, using his middle finger (looks like the index finger to me) to anchor his mitt to his catching hand.

Also?  Tom Gorzelanny The Bobblehead looks like he really needs to go pee.

(h/t DW)

Whoa.

Dr. David Wielechowski and his bride, Christa, exchanged vows at a ceremony on Saturday. According to Ross Township police, the Wielechowskis had just checked into the Holiday Inn in Ross Township on their wedding night when they began to argue.

KDKA’s Ross Guidotti reports that authorities say David Wielechowski allegedly used a karate-style kick with his leg, knocking his wife to the floor.

Meanwhile, officials say two other hotel guest, Joseph Vacca and Richard Dovi, went to help the new Mrs. Wielechowski. Authorities say all four got into a fight, and ended up in the hotel elevator heading down to the first floor. According to the criminal complaint, once on the first floor, the bride and groom picked up metal planters and threw them at Vacca and Dovi.

Officials say during the brawl, Vacca knocked out a tooth, suffered a cut to his face and also has a possible broken thumb, and Dovi suffered a minor laceration on his chin.

Thoughts:

1. What makes a man look at his bride, newly his, still wearing her wedding dress and say, “I must beat the shit out of her — Chuck Norris style and I must do it now”?

2. He’s a dentist. Couldn’t he afford better than the Holiday Inn?

3. Will the tuxedo shop take that tux back? Would you like to get married in the Chuck Norris Dentist’s cursed tuxedo?

4. How/Why did the fight get into the elevator? Were the good Samaritans trying to flee when the bride and groom jumped into the elevator with them to finish the fight? Did the bride and groom jump in the elevator to leave and the good Samaritans jumped in behind them to try to continue to be good samaritans?

5. There’s being a good Samaritan and then there is being really really stupid. Once they turned on you, you should have realized that the Crazy had overtaken the Drunk and really, you can’t reason with Crazy like you sometimes can with Drunk.

6. If this is your dentist … is he STILL your dentist? How do you look him in the face? I’ll tell you, you look him in the face and say, “So what did she do to make you try to beat the shit out of her Chuck Norris style?”

7. Chuck Norris don’t beat up women. Women beat up other women for Chuck Norris.

1.  Know what’s weird?  Watching the Pens game in Hi-Def in the living room while in the kitchen, a group watches the game on a TV that is apparently like 3 seconds ahead, and hearing them freak out three seconds before you actually get to see the goal happen.

Kind of takes the suspense out of the game.

2.  This whole, “Stay on your feet, Sid!” trash talk is ridiculous.  How is he supposed to stay on his feet when he is being clearly PULLED DOWN by his throat?  You know I’ll call it a dive if I see a dive, and that was NOT a dive.

3.  The Pittsburgh Pirates actually won a game and are only six games out of first place.  There, I said something positive.  Happy now?

4.  The Buccos of Suckitude are in last place, losing seven of their last ten games and still have more errors and a worse ERA than any other team in the MLB.  What?  Shut up.

5.  Okay, maybe I was a BIT harsh about the Jo-Beth thingy, because the PG called it going “ballistic on poet Jan Beatty.”  Kind of scary when you think how much I toned down the post.  Apparently false cries of censorship really raise my hackles.  Who knew?!  Anyone else want to reprimand me and tell me to chill out?  I won’t cry.  Get it out of your system now.  You’ll feel better.

6.  The ghosts/Blair Witches/demons/pigeons or whatever it is that is haunting the Homestead Police Station?  They have summoned the very lightning from the night sky.  Can I say it again?  Freak.  Eeeeeeeee!

7.  Some Craigslist goodies:

• First of all, listing “text messaging people on [your] cellphone” as what you spend your time doing is NOT attractive unless you are iJustine.  Secondly, yes, it is perfectly fine for such a fine specimen of a man as he to insist that you don’t contact him if you are fat or if you dare to have brown eyes.  The horror. Also, in some light, my eyes are brown. Other light, not so much.
• Um, dude, why don’t you just go be gay then instead of wrangling yourself into a loveless marriage with a woman tolerant of your gay affairs?  I’m very confused.
• I like how he assures us that yes, that it is his picture down there for real, as if we wouldn’t believe that such a hot man who wears wife beaters under his too-big pleather jacket while awkwardly kneeling before a brick backdrop could ever truly exist on this planet. Too good to be true.
• Thank God he posted that second picture, so we can see the REAL him.  Jacket on.  Jacket off.  Two sides of an odd coin.
• Of all the shirts to pick.  That one.

8.  And finally, reader TC wrote:

In Grand Theft Auto, there was a bonus achievement where you had to collect hidden “packages” throughout the city.  In the new version that comes out tomorrow, instead of collecting packages… you shoot pigeons.  Seriously. 200 of them.  Have fun.

I have never played Grand Theft Auto before, but I will now.  Will it be available for the Wii, cause that’s my bitch.  Well, her and Saucy Carmiesha Juicy.

I got my May/June issue of my favorite magazine Radar in the mail yesterday and saw this listed in the Sindex, a monthly index of who or what has committed each of the seven deadly sins:

That’s right. Forget that the Pirates have committed the sin of suck, they’re making us all gluttons as well.

As for Radar, I’m a little disappointed that they didn’t preface that blurb with, “In an effort to make fans forget that they are rooting for the worst franchise in perhaps all of baseball history, The Pittsburgh Pirates …”

Or at the very least didn’t end it with “bottomless barrels of truly rancid baseball.”

That just has a nice ring to it.

PENS RULE!

1. I hereby RESPECTFULLY (’cause he’s like way smart and stuff) challenge Teacher. Wordsmith. Madman. to Twitter for two weeks and then tell me how he feels about this post. Twitter is addictive crack. USEFUL addictive crack.

2. As I tweeted, twittered?, whatever, (Chad, if you twittered you would already know this. PBTH!) today and texted to Woy yesterday, I love my new phone and she is my new best friend. I named her Saucy Carmiesha Juicy. We’re always going on all, “Tsk. Girl! Did you see that thugalicious piece’a man?” And then we throw signs. We’re so cool.

3. Finally, a statue with some real balls. (Totally safe for work.)

(h/t John)

4. I went to the driving range yesterday and learned something about myself. My long game consists of either long, beautiful, straight shots that would have The Duke begging me for pointers, or short, miserable, shank-y, slice-y, FORE!, oh shit, I think I killed that lady shots. There is no middle ground. Watch out.

Also, just once I would like to hit a ball like Happy Gilmore and really get a hold of the thing.

Also, also, I’m trying to train a pigeon to hold the golf ball for me. Just because I think it’d be fun. And deadly.

5. Pens tonight. Pens versus Rangers. Staal versus Staal. Pens fans versus Jagr. Gary Roberts versus The World his groin. And a whiteout to boot. Can’t. Wait.

Not to jinx it, but we’re totally winning the cup this year. I bet Saucy Carmiesha Juicy on it.

Not really, though.

6. If you’re looking for a way to support the deaf kids … and who isn’t? Here’s a local event that will let you rock out AND raise money for music therapy for the kids at the Western PA School for the Deaf. The Rusted Root drummer will be there and ‘DVE has given great support to this event in the past and it promises to rule and DO I REALLY NEED TO TELL YOU AGAIN HOW I FEEL ABOUT THE KIDS?!

God.

7. My virtual friend, and ex-pat Burgher, Still A. Fan over at Slant went and bought me a gift, the word “burgh” at The Big Word Project. How cool is that? (tm Wendy “Her Hotness” Bell)

My gift to him is to tell you guys about his new site WealthBlocks which I’m totally going to use to figure out how I can afford to purchase David Conrad.

See how that works? You buy me something, I give you something. You buy me diamonds, I don’t say mean things about you and mail you an Annoying Burgher “crown.”

Yin. Yang. Boomerang.

[shudder]

Just had a Lady Elaine Freakin’ Demon Fairchilde flash.