The Duke will eat your soul.

Did you ever read those news reports about how Michael Jackson keeps mannequins in his bedroom right near his bed? Staring down at him. Watching him. And did you ever say to yourself, “Michael Jackson might be the freakiest freak that ever freaked”?

What then do you say about the person that will buy a six-foot tall Ben Roethlisberger Bobble Head doll for the low low get it now while you can price of only $10,000?

Reader Erik snapped those photos for me as proof. Thoughts:

1. That doesn’t even look a little bit like The Duke. Not one little bit.

2. When I used to visit my sister in Virginia, I would be given my niece’s bedroom which at the time had a shelf on her wall lined with dolls. Porcelain dolls. Cabbage Patch dolls. Dolls with accessories. Dolls with eyes. Scary, dead, unseeing, but totally seeing me eyes. And no matter how far I burrowed under the covers, I could feel those eyes burning into my soul. And the cackling. Oh my God, the cackling.

On that same subject, my mother, during one of her more pathetic decorating phases, bought one of those kid-sized dolls that hides their face in the corner.

I walked into my mother’s house, see this fake kid hiding from me, so I grab the kid, turn it around, and Burghers? IT DIDN’T HAVE A FACE. Just white fabric where a face should be. WTF? Something else that wants to eat my soul, except it didn’t have the mouth to do it. How is it that a horror movie about these “shy” faceless corner dolls hasn’t been written yet?

You know what? Just add “dolls/mannequins” to the list of things that PittGirl is irrationally afraid of, that list now containing: spiders, howler monkeys, cats, clowns and scientologists.

So with this fear, how in the hell could I even be in the same room with The Duke of Fug and the Earl of Gross Bobble Head, with his giant head moving about as if independent from his giant body? Looking down at me? Watching me? Breathing on me? Nodding at me? Fugging his gross fug all over me?

3. I absolutely believe that some sick minion of his would buy this thing and put it in her bedroom and you know, talk to it while shakily putting lipstick all around her lips, saying things like, “Benny, don’t you think I look pretty, Benny?” and then kick it so that his head would bob the affirmative.


  1. scottie
    May 5, 2008 8:43 pm come the nightmares.

  2. TheJim
    May 5, 2008 8:52 pm

    You and I should have a phobia contest. I’m guessing it would be a photo finish.

  3. cultlord
    May 5, 2008 9:39 pm

    I hope, no, I pray nightly that Michael Jackson gets his 50 ft. robot to patrol the Vegas desert.

  4. Pensgirl
    May 5, 2008 11:23 pm

    Sometime around age 14, I woke up in the middle of the night to see a giant weird pair of eyes staring at me from my desk chair. Right as I started flipping the hell out, I realized it was the Sylvester the cat nightgown I’d just been given (because I have a black-and-white cat, how special). It wasn’t a full-on-glow-in-the-dark face, but the white fabric paint had just a touch of that glowy substance in it, enough to cause near cardiac arrest. Really, it would have been better if it had just been regular glow-in-the-dark, because then the eyes would have been that super bright neon green that any good child of the 80s can recognize instantly. In other words, count me among the “no way is a giant BobbleBen appearing within 25 miles of my house” group.

  5. Sue
    May 6, 2008 7:53 am

    If I were Ben, I’d have a problem with this thing.
    Unless its for charity. not sure if these things (likeness in the uniform) become property of the NFL or the Steelers? One of those donated service dogs looks more like Ben then this hideous thing.

  6. Katrina
    May 6, 2008 8:26 am

    My mom had an old fashioned 1950’s style doll from her childhood sitting on my old rocking chair in the living room. It looked straight out of a horror movie, so at every opportunity, my brother and i would turn it around to face the wall so it wouldn’t eat our faces off or suck out our souls. This had the added benefit of driving my mom batty.

    And then my grandmother realized that the doll was worth a lot of money and took it back from her.

  7. captain dummy
    May 6, 2008 8:30 am

    ugh! not ONLY are you right on with the spooky doll thing!!! every time i saty with cousins in detroit (which is scary enough in itself), i have to sleep in a room with dolls on shelves staring at me. i NEVER get sleep!!! but also, scientologists FREAK ME OUT!!! i pass by the scientology place in the south side and just feel the erie-weirdness oozing from the store front!!! i always peer in just to possibly catch a glimpse of an alien or tom cruise or something! ugh! good post! i’m kind of a new reader to the site…

  8. Stephanique1
    May 6, 2008 8:51 am

    When I was little, someone gave me a knockoff Cabbage Patch kid. It had that crazy yarn hair. I was playing with its crazy yarn hair and giving it a new ‘do when I noticed on the BACK of its plastic head was another creepy painted face. It freaked the crap outta me.

  9. JMarz
    May 6, 2008 8:53 am

    At least that $10,000 price tag includes shipping. With that taken into account this is a steal.

  10. Christina
    May 6, 2008 9:08 am

    Porcelain dolls scare the crap out of me, too. Their frozen, eternally youthful faces and dead eyes? Yikes.

    To add to Stephanique’s story (which freaked me out), I accidentally saw the baby who has two faces on a promo during the news one night. It made me jump out of my skin and yelp out loud. I wish I could somehow erase from my mind that all four eyes blink at the same time. (I just puked after typing that out.)

  11. Katie
    May 6, 2008 9:44 am

    Dolls are some of the creepiest things ever. I hated staying at my friends’ houses when I was little because they all had those creepy porcelin dolls staring back at me from the shelves. I’m glad my mom was sane and didn’t buy me any…. Oh, and as for the Duke-there’s no way in hell I would let that thing near my house! Talk about messed up……

  12. John
    May 6, 2008 9:45 am

    So PG, I’m guessing that Child’s Play and Puppetmaster are not regularly viewed movies in your household.

  13. bucdaddy
    May 6, 2008 10:03 am

    The bobble has Superman’s face. The Duke looks like he’d be the guy helping the guy who roofs your house. “Benny, get me the nails … Benny, get me the hammer … Benny, get me the shingles … Benny, dammit, if I catch you smokin’ weed behind the van again …”

  14. chrys
    May 6, 2008 10:24 am

    I saw the lifesize (LOL) mannequin of Benny at SHV.. and my hubby and I laughed at the price. Maybe the only person who wants to spend $10,000 on a Benny mannequin is Benny himself? He could use it for all the soul sucking things he has to do.. perhaps the ridiculous interviews with Sally Wiggen?

  15. deebee
    May 6, 2008 10:54 am

    My aunt used to give out these clown dolls that she crocheted blue or pink to all the kiddies. She was so proud to hand them out. Needless to say they scared the shit out of most everyone! So glad she never got the idea to give them 2 faces.

  16. zonie
    May 6, 2008 10:57 am

    Clowns are the only thing creepier than dolls. Or Jeff Reed.

  17. toni
    May 6, 2008 2:46 pm

    After reading about the faceless doll in the corner, I reiterate…do NOT watch “The Ring”! The blog will never recover from your reaction….

  18. Kat
    May 6, 2008 3:12 pm

    The picture of the faceless doll is creeping my shit out. Gah.

  19. Amy
    May 6, 2008 6:05 pm

    Did you see the Burgh Baby’s post on freaky looking dolls?

    You will never be the same once you see these pictures!

  20. Bored at Work
    May 6, 2008 7:32 pm

    Those three foot tall dolls are damn scary.

    When I was in college I woke up late one night and had to use the bathroom, so I wandered from my dorm room to the bathroom across the hall. Without my glasses on or contacts in, my bleary eyes caught the gastly image of one of those trick-or-treat dolls dressed like a ghost and holding out a candy bowl. I nearly had a heart attack. That creepy thing was just standing down at the end of the hall, having seemingly appeared out of nowhere. Dolls are bad news. I’m with you, Pittgirl.

  21. jonathan
    May 7, 2008 1:36 pm

    Does that LOOK like Ben Roethlisberger?!?!?

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