Did you ever read those news reports about how Michael Jackson keeps mannequins in his bedroom right near his bed? Staring down at him. Watching him. And did you ever say to yourself, “Michael Jackson might be the freakiest freak that ever freaked”?
What then do you say about the person that will buy a six-foot tall Ben Roethlisberger Bobble Head doll for the low low get it now while you can price of only $10,000?
Reader Erik snapped those photos for me as proof. Thoughts:
1. That doesn’t even look a little bit like The Duke. Not one little bit.
2. When I used to visit my sister in Virginia, I would be given my niece’s bedroom which at the time had a shelf on her wall lined with dolls. Porcelain dolls. Cabbage Patch dolls. Dolls with accessories. Dolls with eyes. Scary, dead, unseeing, but totally seeing me eyes. And no matter how far I burrowed under the covers, I could feel those eyes burning into my soul. And the cackling. Oh my God, the cackling.
On that same subject, my mother, during one of her more pathetic decorating phases, bought one of those kid-sized dolls that hides their face in the corner.
I walked into my mother’s house, see this fake kid hiding from me, so I grab the kid, turn it around, and Burghers? IT DIDN’T HAVE A FACE. Just white fabric where a face should be. WTF? Something else that wants to eat my soul, except it didn’t have the mouth to do it. How is it that a horror movie about these “shy” faceless corner dolls hasn’t been written yet?
You know what? Just add “dolls/mannequins” to the list of things that PittGirl is irrationally afraid of, that list now containing: spiders, howler monkeys, cats, clowns and scientologists.
So with this fear, how in the hell could I even be in the same room with The Duke of Fug and the Earl of Gross Bobble Head, with his giant head moving about as if independent from his giant body? Looking down at me? Watching me? Breathing on me? Nodding at me? Fugging his gross fug all over me?
3. I absolutely believe that some sick minion of his would buy this thing and put it in her bedroom and you know, talk to it while shakily putting lipstick all around her lips, saying things like, “Benny, don’t you think I look pretty, Benny?” and then kick it so that his head would bob the affirmative.