I’m not proud of this, and this might change the way you feel about me a little bit, but I feel like I need to confess it or I’m not being true to you guys, and I want to be true to you guys because you’re all so good to me.
(Also, you guys know when I refer to “you guys” that means all of you boys AND girls, right?)
So listen, this morning, when I turned off of the Boulevard and onto Gist Street uptown while singing along loudly to “No Rain”?
I braked for a pigeon. A pigeon that was practically under my wheel when it looked at me like, “Oh, damn. It’s totally her.”
I do not even know what to say for myself. It shocked me. I came to a stop right there on the street and watched the demon hop away. I was stunned at what I had just done.
I didn’t do what I usually do, which is scream “AY-Yiyiyiyiyi! Die you mother–” and slam my foot so hard on the gas that my SUV kind of whines at me in protest because, “God, PittGirl, how many of these things do you need to kill before you just give up and realize that you will NEVER win?”
This might have something to do with the baby birds that are living in my grass this week until they get their wings about them. I’ve been scolding my dogs to hey, go over there and eat your poop like you normally do and leave the baby robins alone. And then the poor little baby featherless birdie that fell from the nest and died despite the new nest I made for it and placed near the other nest, hoping the mother would make it all better.
Now I’ve got to bury that bird today. The headstone will read, “Here lies a robin that died because it had a BAD mother.”
I’ve come to a few conclusions:
- I hate pigeons and only pigeons. Most other birds, as long as they don’t shit on me and dive bomb me and peck at my eyeballs, I can tolerate.
- Bend way over and kiss your ass goodbye; today is Armageddon because I BRAKED FOR A PIGEON!
I’m going to fix this. I’m going to go and find me that pigeon and kill it like I’ve never killed a pigeon before.
With extreme prejudice.
P.S. T minus ten seconds and counting until that troll Dr. Satbir Bhullar comments with “Are we still talking about the pigeons. My God, Tunesmith and Anthony are SO much better than this crap of a blog.*”
* Dudes. I’ve been saying as much for years now.