The World. It is ending.

I’m not proud of this, and this might change the way you feel about me a little bit, but I feel like I need to confess it or I’m not being true to you guys, and I want to be true to you guys because you’re all so good to me.

(Also, you guys know when I refer to “you guys” that means all of you boys AND girls, right?)

So listen, this morning, when I turned off of the Boulevard and onto Gist Street uptown while singing along loudly to “No Rain”?

I braked for a pigeon.  A pigeon that was practically under my wheel when it looked at me like, “Oh, damn.  It’s totally her.”

I do not even know what to say for myself.  It shocked me.  I came to a stop right there on the street and watched the demon hop away.  I was stunned at what I had just done.

I didn’t do what I usually do, which is scream “AY-Yiyiyiyiyi!  Die you mother–” and slam my foot so hard on the gas that my SUV kind of whines at me in protest because, “God, PittGirl, how many of these things do you need to kill before you just give up and realize that you will NEVER win?”

This might have something to do with the baby birds that are living in my grass this week until they get their wings about them.  I’ve been scolding my dogs to hey, go over there and eat your poop like you normally do and leave the baby robins alone.  And then the poor little baby featherless birdie that fell from the nest and died despite the new nest I made for it and placed near the other nest, hoping the mother would make it all better.

Now I’ve got to bury that bird today.   The headstone will read, “Here lies a robin that died because it had a BAD mother.”

I’ve come to a few conclusions:

  • I hate pigeons and only pigeons.  Most other birds, as long as they don’t shit on me and dive bomb me and peck at my eyeballs, I can tolerate.
  • Bend way over and kiss your ass goodbye; today is Armageddon because I BRAKED FOR A PIGEON!

I’m going to fix this.  I’m going to go and find me that pigeon and kill it like I’ve never killed a pigeon before.

With extreme prejudice.

P.S.  T minus ten seconds and counting until that troll Dr. Satbir Bhullar comments with “Are we still talking about the pigeons.  My God, Tunesmith and Anthony are SO much better than this crap of a blog.*”

* Dudes.  I’ve been saying as much for years now.





14 Comments

  1. Charlie
    May 6, 2008 9:34 am

    I’m sad to say I had the same thing happen to me. As I got out to my car yesterday I saw a big one sitting by my wheel. It didn’t move as I turned the car on and I could have easily just run it over…but I didn’t! As I drove by it was still there, which means I could have…I was very disappointed in myself.



  2. John
    May 6, 2008 9:47 am

    I chalk it up to a short moment of weakness not likely to happen again. Perhaps you’re still basking in the glow of the Pens beating the Rangers and too concerned with self-uniting with Marian Hossa.



  3. Mitch Cumstein
    May 6, 2008 10:05 am

    Ironically, I was driving in to work and actually gunned it at one point to try to hit three pigeons loitering on a pot hole-riddled street. I missed, but barely. So there, I don’t even hate pigeons, just was feely surly and trying to do you a solid.



  4. chrys
    May 6, 2008 10:20 am

    In the words of my 5 yr old… ” Killing is not nice”. Do what you want with that nugget. But honestly.. pigeons scare the crap out of me!



  5. parking chair
    May 6, 2008 10:29 am

    The ultimate power is knowing that you CAN destroy at any moment, but are not prtedictable enough for your prey to know what is happening. Now that pigeon will tell all his buddies about it, and they will have doubt in their minds. They’ll constantly be on edge.

    Or maybe, they will appreciate your moment of grace and lenience and decide in a little tit for tat. You didn’t mess with them, and they won’t mess with you. Maybe they will voluntarily back off and keep their distance from you from now on.

    On the other hand, since they are simply flying rats, he probably just hopped away thinking “Sucker! I can’t wait til the next time I get a chance to poop on her new yellow sandals! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!”



  6. spoon
    May 6, 2008 10:36 am

    how soon till a “Dr. Satbir Bhullar hearts pigeons” or “Dr. Satbir Bhullar fears PittGirl” shirt is made?



  7. AWM
    May 6, 2008 10:50 am

    Oh man…is that the real PittGirl in the photo? By the way, don’t give yourself too much Mother Teresalike credit-it really is impossible to hit a pigeon by running over it. Maybe snag it with your grille, but I don’t think a pigeon ever died with tire tracks on its poor flat body.



  8. unsatisfied
    May 6, 2008 10:52 am

    one summer when I was growing up, I killed three birds in three different ways:

    1) my car
    2) my approach shot to #7 at chub’s par-3 near north park
    3) my lawn mower (I had stuck it under some hemlocks, totally didn’t know that a nest was in there)

    I only wish that they had been pigeons….



  9. In Sewickley
    May 6, 2008 12:09 pm

    PittGirl, we still love you.

    No matter how much I hate pigeons, I could never run one over. Ever!

    I don’t like blood.



  10. beatrix
    May 6, 2008 12:18 pm

    It is not impossible to kill a pigeon by running over it. I’ve seen it happen in Market Square by a very slow-moving bus. Kind of made a popping sound. Even though it was a pigeon, it was very disturbing. I think even PittGirl would feel bad. Well, then again….



  11. fraggle
    May 6, 2008 3:48 pm

    So is it too early to get the “I break for Pigeons” bumper sticker?



  12. Anthony
    May 6, 2008 9:12 pm

    What? We have a fan?



  13. Sofa King
    May 7, 2008 7:34 am

    My hatred for winged beasts transcends any specific class of birds. Pigeons, robins, sparrows, any little disease-spreading hellian who sullies my Acura’s pretty metallic blue paint with its droppings is fair prey.



  14. Steeler_tom
    May 7, 2008 9:45 am

    I had a bird strike with one two days ago.
    Hit the windshield. Glad it didn’t break it, but it was a heckuva mess, and feathers everywhere, reminded me of that pitcher a couple years ago that hit the bird…..