Kids these days.

So my sister and I went to watch a “kid” we’ve known forever play his last home high school volleyball game, a kid I once babysat and played Pokemon with, if staring at cards with odd creatures on them and going “WTF?” can be considered “playing.”

I’m a professional girl long removed from high school, so it’s been ages since I’ve been inside of a high school.

I walked into the high school, took a seat in the bleachers with the group of family and friends, and I’m immediately struck by something odd.  The girls.  They are orange.  Okay?  Orange.  So orange you couldn’t even see their lips.  Just orange.

I turned to my sister.  “Sister of PittGirl,” I whispered, “Why are all of the girls orange? Is this something they’re eating?  Or are they just really shitty at matching their foundation to their skin color?”

Sister of PittGirl whispered, “Prom.”

Oh.  That’s right.  Prom was last week.  That one day out of the year where suddenly it’s attractive to be as orange as one can be.  Except it’s not even a little bit attractive.  It’s weird-looking.  Cut it out, girls.

Accepting the fact that every 17-year-old girl I saw was going to be orange, I took a look at the boys warming up for the game, and I turned to my sister.  “SISTER OF PITTGIRL,” I shouted, “WHAT IN THE HELL ARE THEY FEEDING THE BOYS THESE DAYS?!”

Giants.  All of them.  Giant muscles.  Giant jumps.  Volleyballs leaving craters in the gym floor.  Whiskers.  Deep voices.  JUMP SERVES!

Not to get all get off my lawn with you, but back in the day when I went to high school, I seem to remember all of the boys averaging out at say, 5′ 10” and maybe 170 lbs.  Not sure.  But I am sure that they weren’t the huge, hulking monsters capable of taking my head off with a volleyball that this group of “youngsters” was.

Also.  That “little kid” I used to play Pokemon with is coming with my huge, entire family to the beach this year and he is SO going to be on my team for the Family of PittGirl Annual Summer Olympics (events include volleyball, bocce, limbo [that generates some stares], and tennis).  I’ve already called dibs.

I’m just going to sit in the sand with an umbrella drink and watch him pick my family members off one by one. “Hey, kid, that particular Sister of PittGirl over there?  She’s next.”

God bless whatever the hell they’re feeding the kids these days.


  1. bucdaddy
    May 9, 2008 9:33 am

    Indeed. I used to occasionally pick up my daughter at high school, and whilst cooling it in the parking lot, noticed that the average cup size seemed to have increased at least a letter since my high school days. With all the distractions (big muscular guys, big mammified girls), no wonder test scores are going down.

  2. Brother Anthony
    May 9, 2008 9:35 am

    You know someone’s now going to investigate PittGirl’s identity through local high school volleyball.

  3. lovesthenorthside
    May 9, 2008 10:10 am

    I know! I have some huge feet (those peek-a-boo yellow sandals have a negative cuteness factor in a size 10), and my two boys passed me up before they hit their teens. And being boys, I didn’t even get some shoes out of the deal, although if I wanted football, baseball or soccer cleats I’d be set for life.

  4. Zsa
    May 9, 2008 10:32 am

    Tanning beds, bleach, $200 straightening irons and boob jobs. Allure’s editor said a while ago that this look is going to become so prevalent and common that beauty – which by definition is uncommon – will be considered pale, flat chested women with dark curly hair. To which I say, about freaking time.

    The guys that are that huge aren’t even attractive to me. They remind me of Alan from Josie and the Pussycats.

  5. Sarah
    May 9, 2008 10:55 am

    the orange makes me so so angry.

    For the love of all things good and holy that IS NOT A SKIN COLOR

  6. deebee
    May 9, 2008 4:55 pm

    Must be something in the milk because I have thought the same for awhile. My son has been shaving since 10th grade and he is not alone.

  7. Invisi-Gal
    May 9, 2008 6:20 pm

    Pitt-Girl, your observation about the large size of the boys in high school is an accurate assessment. It is common practice these days to “hold back” boys a year or two.
    It’s mostly cloaked in the reasoning that boys learn at a different rate than girls (true) but the REAL reason is, it renders them bigger and more competitive in SPORTS.
    We know SPORTS rule here in Western Pa.and if by God, your son graduates with a full beard and old enough to vote or legally drink (but was an incredible tackle in football) it’s all worth it.

  8. bucdaddy
    May 9, 2008 7:02 pm



    Sit-ting on a gym bench


    Eye-ing little boys with bad intent


    Hey, Pittgirlung …

    — Jane Tull

  9. julietc
    May 9, 2008 7:41 pm

    It’s true. Didn’t anybody read that AP article about estrogens in the water awhile back? Increased estrogens means earlier puberty, which means bigger boys and ahem.. ‘bigger’ girls. Oh, science.

  10. Still A. Fan
    May 10, 2008 6:04 am

    or, you could attribute some to a recent SI article where a dad was injecting his own son, a track team member, with steroids.

    also, when we were in highschool, off season was offseason. not any more. my incredibly talented nephew plays for a big quad A western pa school and they open the gym to those guys almost year round with organized weight lifting. instead of me getting him another gift card for christmas last year i got him a sprinting parachute because he’s trying to get his 40 times down for scouts. football was something to do in 1986. now it’s hyper competitive. i just hope these dads aren’t ruining their kids sex lives (and more) by getting them steroids. believe me, before long, HS players will be tested.

  11. deebee
    May 10, 2008 10:16 am

    Invisi-Gal yes this is the case with some of his friends but mine will graduate @ 17,summer birthday and all. Maybe it is the water.

  12. retiredguy
    May 10, 2008 7:30 pm

    Hey, I’ve got two teenage daughters and they’ve worn out just about every mirror in the house.

    Seriously though, they’re not into the orange skin, tanning thing but they have friends that do. Sheesh. The boys that are constantly sniffing around my house aren’t very big though. Evidently my two don’t go for the athletes, which is OK by me. I weigh about 210 and I have about 60 or 70 pounds on most of them.

    If any of you have teenage boys though, please tell them to take their G-D baseball hats off when they go to a girls house. Also, standing up straight, saying sir and maam, and being able to string together several words into a sentence would be nice. Oh, and beeping the horn in front of my house can be dangerous to their health.

  13. deebee
    May 11, 2008 4:06 pm

    Sitting outside and beeping the horn is not acceptable behavior.

  14. Mia`
    May 13, 2008 1:55 pm

    Sitting outside and beeping is not only unacceptable behavior….it is HIGHLY insulting! Not that today’s girls would see it that way. I’ve been living with my guy for about a year, and on those occasions that I’m home and he’s coming home from work or whatever and stops by the house to pick me up, he wouldn’t dream of just beeping the horn…he parks and comes in to get me. Of course I did find one of the last single/straight/good guys. He opens doors for me too :)