Things PittGirl will never understand

1.  I will never understand why Abbie Jane Swogger’s 15-year-old son was in the courtroom yesterday.

A 17-year-old boy testified yesterday that he carried on a months-long sexual relationship with a former teacher’s aide more than twice his age who regularly paid for beer and marijuana.

Clad in a maroon jumpsuit and wearing handcuffs attached by a chain that clinked when she adjusted it, Ms. Swogger sometimes turned to speak to a female friend and her teenage son, who sat through sometimes graphic testimony.

At one point after a 15-year-old boy testified about her giving him oral sex, she mouthed the words to her son, “Don’t believe everything he says.”

I suggest you also read the Trib’s article.  Lots more detail there.

Maybe there’s something I’m missing here because I tend to look at things as black and white with no shades of gray.  But reading that her son was in the courtroom, that’s when the little pain I get right here in my forehead when parents don’t do right by their children began to pulse and throb and pound relentlessly until I wanted to hunt Abbie Jane down myself and give her a good, sound bitch-slap (do you know how much I wanted to type “and choke a bitch” there but I didn’t?  Self-restraint, thy name is PittGirl.)

2.  I will never understand needing a cigarette so badly that you’d actually light one up while hooked up to your oxygen tank.  Flame + Oxygen tank with a “Warning: KEEP AWAY FROM FLAME” sticker on it = Fiery death.  This is basic math.  THAT I understand.

3.  I will never understand how one can claim that the Penguins’ performance yesterday was from a lack of maturity rather than perhaps exhaustion or just an off-day.

It seems the Pittsburgh Penguins are still in need of a little more maturity.

While they have grown remarkably despite their youthful makeup, the Penguins could use more experience when it comes to the killer instinct. For the second NHL playoff series in a row, they failed to close the deal in an elimination game.

That guy can bite me.

4.  I will never understand being as brave as Chad Hermann is being in this post in which he basically calls The Pensblog writers… well, just read this:

This undying obsession that Pens’ fans — by which I mean, casual fans and immature fans and bandwagon-jumping fans — have with Gary Roberts borders on the absurd and fast approaches the insane.

Oh.  You know I love Chad Hermann.  But you also know that I love Gary Roberts and his new cult following.  Because it is harmless and it is super fun.  Therefore.  Minions?  Attack.

Don’t worry.  He can take it.

Tell him PittGirl sent you and that she too will soon unleash her fists of fury and her awkward karate-chops of wrath on him for calling her a casual, immature, bandwagon-jumping fan.

I mean, Saucy is all, “Oh, no he DI’INT!”  She’s taking her earrings out as I type this.


    May 16, 2008 9:15 am

    I remember some science teacher in H.S.
    talking about the addictive power of
    cigerette. He said that smokers are the
    only addicts who will wake up in the
    middle of the night, need a fix, take a
    couple of puffs, and go back to sleep.

    It is bad stuff that nicotine.


  2. Stephanique1
    May 16, 2008 9:17 am

    Yes, the Trib DOES give lots of details. My fave part of the article?

    “Her platinum-blonde hair had grown out to reveal 2 inches of soot-colored roots, and her long-sleeve, waffle-weave undershirt was dingy and soiled.”

    Not only is her life ruined, but now we all know she is in serious need of a dye-job.

  3. Stephanique1
    May 16, 2008 9:32 am

    3. And PittGirl, I will never understand how one can claim that the Penguins’ performance yesterday was an intentional loss. Yes, that comment was made this morning by my boss.

    That woman can bite me.

  4. unsatisfied
    May 16, 2008 9:45 am

    word on the radio this morning has it that 4 pens fans were kicked out of the wachovia center last night for taunting flyers fans — who started everything by taunting the pens fans for wearing crosby shirts.

    I want to find out who each of these 4 pens fans are and buy them an ‘arhn.

    enjoy last night, filthadelphia — it’s all over for you on sunday, you asshats.

  5. retiredguy
    May 16, 2008 10:05 am

    Is it just me, or does anyone else want to choke the smirk off of Abbie Janes face?

  6. retiredguy
    May 16, 2008 10:14 am

    As an ex-smoker, let me just say that quitting cigarettes was about the hardest thing I ever did. I quit drinking 11 years ago and that PALED by comparison.

  7. Erin
    May 16, 2008 10:23 am

    Arrg nothing irks me more than the grammar of that kid on the witness stand. “I seen”, “we was”. I know there are other things in that article to be bothered by, but I choose that one.

    As a smoker, I have to say to the oxygen tank guy: no judgment. Mama understands.

  8. Judge Rufus Peckham
    May 16, 2008 11:11 am

    “I know there are other things in that article to be bothered by, but I choose that one” — the poor grammar of one of the boys who testified.

    I, too, am always far more troubled by the victim’s poor grammar than any sexual assault committed on him. And, like you, Erin, I am sure — it wouldn’t matter to me if the genders were reversed and this was an adult male on trial for sexually assaulting a minor girl. Any time I hear a victim using such poor grammar, it’s just a real turn-off.

  9. back in the burgh
    May 16, 2008 11:32 am

    The Pens lack of maturity – give me a break. It is so hard to sweep a team … as one of the Pens said after the game, “If we had lost game 3 and won game 4, we’d still be going to be to Pittsburgh and we’d be pumped. We’re 3-1 and we’re fine.” (Let’s not forgot, Detroit lost game 4 too, and they’re pretty darn mature … bordering on old!) I’m sure the Pens are exhausted and Philly came out ready to go. Add to that a few questionable penalties in the 1st period and that was it. The Pens lost the 1st period only, but that was all it took last night. How about Jordan Stahl who was at his grandpa’s funeral the day before and then flies back to Philly and scores 2 goals!

    There was a Flyers fan in the stands – they showed a quick shot of her near the end – and she was actually crying because the Flyers were going to win. Well, keep crying baby, cause they’re going to lose on Sunday and it’ll be all over.

  10. Mitch Cumstein
    May 16, 2008 11:58 am

    Holy snikes. I can’t believe all this crap about the Penguins’ lacking maturity or blowing the game intentionally.

    Yes, the Flyers outplayed them in the first and arguably the second periods. But the refs made unbelievably horrendous calls in the first and really throughout the game. And the Pens lost by 2, including a gimme empty-netter. So on an off night for the Pens when the refs were giving them the shaft, they still had a chance to win it with 5 min left to go, before the Flyers put it away with the empty-netter. Unfortunately for the haters, the Pens have more skill and tenacity than every other team they’ve faced, and maturity beyond their years. Sure, they haven’t swept every team they’ve faced thus far, must be a sign of their weakness.

    Makes me mad, makes me wanna choke a bitch, especially if that bitch was the collective Flyers fans. They’re worse than Eagles fans, I think.

  11. Ex-Pat Pittsburgh Girl
    May 16, 2008 12:07 pm

    I like the WWGRD stuff. Like you said PittGirl, it’s fun. I’m not aware of anyone who considers me annoying — well, maybe my sisters, but that’s comes with the territory. I’d much rather have fans participating in a round of WWGRD as opposed to taking their team so seriously that they turn into Flyers fans. That’s what you become when you don’t have a little levity in your life. I will admit that there are some very annoying Pens fans (and Gary Roberts fans), but you get that in every fanbase. Hell, I know some folks who are so hopped up on grammar, diagramming sentences and making sure no participles are dangling that they’ve taken the joy out of watching a simple tv comedy or movie. Now that’s annoying.

  12. Brian
    May 16, 2008 12:38 pm

    I think the best line of the story, which is uttered by Swogger’s obviously in-over-his-head attorney, is after one of the witnesses describes seeing what he thinks is his friend getting a BJ under a blanket, he puts on his lawyer pants and says: “It’s not against the law to have your head under a blanket, Your Honor,” her lawyer said. Ahahahaha!

    I also have to proudly point out my friend Celanie wrote this story, and did an awesome job. Way to totally capture the white trashed sadness of it all.

  13. Erin
    May 16, 2008 2:04 pm

    Judge, please. There are enough horrible stories in the news to get worked up over that I’m going to let this one go by. This quotation just may have clinched it for me:

    “She was providing me with money to buy weed every day,” he said, waving his hands as he spoke. “‘Here! Here! Here!’ Money, money, money!”


    And it *is* different because it is a teenage boy, as much as perhaps we would like to think that it shouldn’t be.

  14. John
    May 16, 2008 2:10 pm

    Don’t care if it’s immaturity or just an off night – just let the Pens close the Flyers out on Sunday. I do not want to deal with game 6 back in Philly.

  15. Katie
    May 16, 2008 2:48 pm

    Ohhhhh Abbie Jane Swogger…..I’m sad to have to admit that, that was from my school and my town. Such a stupid woman. Why did she think she was going to get away with any of this!?

  16. unsatisfied
    May 16, 2008 3:01 pm

    “swogger” — just reading that last name alone is enough to give you a STD….

  17. Judge Rufus Peckham
    May 16, 2008 3:17 pm

    Erin, recent studies show that a sexual relationship between a female teacher and a male student can be just as harmful as when the genders are reversed and can have both short- and long-term consequences on the child’s emotional stability and psychological and sexual development.

    Whether that’s true, I don’t know. I know that you’ve expressed a widely accepted double-standard, which might be correct. Since I don’t think either one of us can say for certain if the harm to boys is equivalent to the harm for girls, I suggest we err on the side of caution and not minimize someone’s victimization for sexual assault on the basis of his gender.

  18. Monty
    May 16, 2008 6:10 pm

    How great is it that she told her son “Don’t believe everything he says” instead of “Don’t believe anything he says”??

    Translation? I didn’t buy him beer, but I did get him high and punch his clown.

    Sweet, Mom, thanks. That ought to stop the teasing.

  19. Steeler_tom
    May 16, 2008 6:53 pm

    Swogger is the “Reason” that the PA LCB will never give up it’s grip on sales in PA

  20. xena
    May 16, 2008 11:28 pm

    Let me see if I have this straight. The Pens sweep the first series 4-0; win the second 4-1, and are 3-1 in this one. By my math, that’s 11-2. By tomorrow night, it will be 12-2 and the Flyers will be buying beer to watch the Stanley Cup finals from a bar stool somewhere.

    If the Pens are immature with a 11-2 record, that makes the Flyers (etc.) what? infantile? embryonic? What last night’s first period shows is 1) the Penguins aren’t perfect–yet, and 2) in any sport, a team in a playoff series will try hard to win. At some point, the Flyers were likely to post a period or two where they looked inspired.

    As for Chad Hermann, lace your skates up, boy. Let’s see you play hockey with pneumonia. And skate a few shifts with GR with a Stanley Cup on the line. Brave talk. No action.

  21. PittCheMBA
    May 17, 2008 3:59 am

    #1 – AJS is FUG.

    #4 – WWGRD – Yes, harmless and fun. Gary Roberts may be at the end of this career, but when he plays, he does not play quietly. Two goals in the first playoff game after being sidelined most of the season because of a broken leg – just one example of what has earned him a cult following. A fight with former 20 year old Flyer Ben Eager where he Roberts beat him senseless, just another example.

  22. WWGRD
    May 17, 2008 12:21 pm

    I’m a WWGRD fanatic, so I guess acording to Chad I’m a bandwagon or fair-weather fan. I guess I didn’t sit there for those few dark years and root for our top players in Rico Fata, Konstantin Koltzov, Kristoff Oliwa, and let’s not forget the Great Steve McKenna. Roberts plays a blue-collar hockey style, which will always be a huge fan favorite style in Pittsburgh. Plus, it’s necessary to have in the playoffs. You can’t win a cup with 12 really fast forwards who don’t have a physical presence.