An airline pilot was found hiding behind a shed wearing only flip-flops and a wristwatch as a nighttime romp in the woods with a flight attendant ended with both under arrest.
Jeffrey Paul Bradford, 24, of Pittsburgh and Adrianna Grace Connor, 24, both employees of Pinnacle Airlines Inc., were at a diner on the outskirts of Harrisburg on Sunday night before they apparently decided to walk into the woods, police said.
“They told the officer they wanted to go do it in the woods, essentially,” said Lower Swatara Township Police Sgt. Richard Brandt. “That’s the best answer they had.”
The two somehow became separated, and people who live in the neighborhood summoned police around 9:30 p.m., saying they had seen a naked man and an intoxicated woman.
A helicopter with heat-seeking equipment was called in, and Bradford was discovered hiding behind a shed shortly before midnight.
His only attire was a pair of flip-flops and a wristwatch.
1. Thank you drunk naked people for lightening things up around here.
2. Thank you Associated Press for telling us not once, but TWICE that his only attire was flip-flops and a wristwatch. That way, just as the mental image of a dude standing naked in the woods with only flip-flops and a wristwatch on started to fade, BAM!, full-color high-res once again.
3. This wouldn’t be nearly as funny if he only wore flip-flops. It’s the image of the wristwatch AND the flip-flops that complete the ludicrousness of it.
4. I hope it was one of those big black calculator watches because then the mental image is even BETTER.
5. How the holy heck did they get separated while having sex in the woods? Were they scouting out the best possible place for the liaison? Did one of them leave to have a potty break in the woods and then lose their way back? Were they also separated from their clothing? Were they running from the Blair Witch and they figured they had a better chance if they split up? Did a coyote happen upon them and instead of staying and protecting her, did the pilot head for the hills? These are the questions.
6. I hope for their sakes that they got arrested AFTER they had sex, not before they got a chance to do it. I mean, if you’re going to risk your professional career and your good name to get naked in the cold and prickly forest, at least I hope you got some sex out of it. Make it a LITTLE bit worth it.
7. Was she naked and if so, was SHE wearing flip-flops, too?
8. Heat-seeking equipment. HAH! Write your own “well, they WERE in heat” joke.
9. I imagine Mr. Pilot wasn’t looking very thugalicious when he got arrested. It was all of 51 degrees at 10:00 on Sunday night in Harrisburg. Brrr.
10. If you were to survey 100 people and put the top five answers on the board to this question, “Name an uncomfortable place to have the naked bow-chicka-bow” at least 95% of the people are going to shout, “In the cold, prickly, scratchy forest, RICHARD!!!!!”
UPDATE: IT GETS BETTER!
Police were called to the 100 block of Richardson Road around 9:30 p.m. Sunday after township Fire Chief Robert Furlong heard noises outside his home and found an intoxicated woman inside the department’s Chevrolet Tahoe, arrest documents state.
Connor said she and Bradford had been at a diner along Eisenhower Boulevard and were walking to their motel room when they decided to stop in the woods for sexual contact, the documents state.
A woman who lives nearby in the 300 block of Summit Ridge called 911 to report a naked man came out from behind her parked car and asked her for a pair of shorts, police said.
Boy, you must really need sex if you can’t make it back to your warm hotel room with a soft bed and instead opt for the cold, prickly forest.