1. The Sisters were emailing yesterday to tie up loose ends as they relate to the collectively purchased Father’s Day gift:
Tina Fey: Also, who do I owe for the gift? Respond immediately or I’ll pants every one of you at the beach.
Ta-Ta: What does that mean? You’ll “pants” us.
Tina Fey: Are you kidding me? It means I will pull down your pants and expose your buttocks for all the world to see. How can you not know what being pants’d means? Do you live under a rock?
Yeah, I didn’t know what it meant either, but I’m totes watching my back[side] at the beach. That bitch means business.
2. Speaking of sisters:
Pens Fan: OMG. PittGirl. I had a dream about you last night.
PG: Uh-oh. Did I die?
PF: Almost! But I kind of saved you.
PF: I dreamed we were at the beach and you were out swimming and a shark appeared and started chasing you.
PF: And I was screaming and screaming at you to look out, but you didn’t hear me and the shark was about to get you.
PG: Did I die!?
PF: No. Just before the shark could eat you, a bear appeared and I said, ‘Hey, shark. Look at the bear.’ And guess what?
PG: I died?
PF: [sigh] No. Would you believe that sharks are afraid of bears? He looked at the bear and took off and you were safe.
What she probably didn’t tell me is that when I got out of the ocean, the bear ate me.
3. Two local Burghers are in the running to win scholarships from Duck Tape because of the kickass prom clothes they made entirely out of duct tape. Go to the article, and in the left hand bar, click on “duct-tape duds” and look at her dress close up and look at the zebra print on his jacket close up. Truly remarkable. You can vote for them to win here, but you’ll have to register.
All this talk of duct tape has just inspired me with a brilliant new way to torture a pigeon.
Also, how long before LaMont Jones tries to convince us that duct tape clothing is the latest must-have fashion trend? I wouldn’t put it past him.
4. About that money-flushing monster we like to call the Port Authority:
Port Authority of Allegheny County will end the year short on money and is on the verge of exceeding its entire North Shore Connector budget, and yet proposed Wednesday spending up to $400,000 to hire three more lobbying firms. The agency says it needs more lobbyists to deal with complex state and federal transit issues and to work with neighboring counties to improve service.
BLRIFJ! Jqowlier? Pfftothwl?
I think I just blew a very critical brain fuse.
5. Last night, up late, I stumbled upon a show on Spike called MANswers. A very educational show in which the philosophical life questions that men might have are answered in a careful, detailed, thought-provoking fashion.
The questions I was fortunate to see answered were “Is she a hooker or a cop?” (MANswer: ask her to pose for nude photos); “How can I get drunk faster?” (MANswer: Pour the alcohol into your anus. No really. That was part of the answer. A medical doctor said to pour the alcohol directly into your anus.) And finally, before I passed out from the lack of class that bitch-slapped my lights out, “How heavy do a woman’s boobs need to be to crush a beer can?”
I will search my whole life, unfailing, never tiring, without pause … for that answer.