Random n’at.

1.  The Sisters were emailing yesterday to tie up loose ends as they relate to the collectively purchased Father’s Day gift:

Tina Fey: Also, who do I owe for the gift?  Respond immediately or I’ll pants every one of you at the beach.

Ta-Ta: What does that mean?  You’ll “pants” us.

Tina Fey: Are you kidding me?  It means I will pull down your pants and expose your buttocks for all the world to see.  How can you not know what being pants’d means?  Do you live under a rock?

Yeah, I didn’t know what it meant either, but I’m totes watching my back[side] at the beach.  That bitch means business.

2.  Speaking of sisters:

Pens Fan: OMG.  PittGirl.  I had a dream about you last night.

PG: Uh-oh.  Did I die?

PF: Almost!  But I kind of saved you.

PG: Okay.

PF: I dreamed we were at the beach and you were out swimming and a shark appeared and started chasing you.

PG: Great.

PF: And I was screaming and screaming at you to look out, but you didn’t hear me and the shark was about to get you.

PG: Did I die!?

PF: No.  Just before the shark could eat you, a bear appeared and I said, ‘Hey, shark.  Look at the bear.’  And guess what?

PG: I died?

PF: [sigh] No.  Would you believe that sharks are afraid of bears?  He looked at the bear and took off and you were safe.

What she probably didn’t tell me is that when I got out of the ocean, the bear ate me.

3.  Two local Burghers are in the running to win scholarships from Duck Tape because of the kickass prom clothes they made entirely out of duct tape.  Go to the article, and in the left hand bar, click on “duct-tape duds” and look at her dress close up and look at the zebra print on his jacket close up.  Truly remarkable.  You can vote for them to win here, but you’ll have to register.

All this talk of duct tape has just inspired me with a brilliant new way to torture a pigeon.

Must experiment.

Also, how long before LaMont Jones tries to convince us that duct tape clothing is the latest must-have fashion trend?  I wouldn’t put it past him.

4.  About that money-flushing monster we like to call the Port Authority:

Port Authority of Allegheny County will end the year short on money and is on the verge of exceeding its entire North Shore Connector budget, and yet proposed Wednesday spending up to $400,000 to hire three more lobbying firms. The agency says it needs more lobbyists to deal with complex state and federal transit issues and to work with neighboring counties to improve service.

BLRIFJ!  Jqowlier?  Pfftothwl?

I think I just blew a very critical brain fuse.

5.  Last night, up late, I stumbled upon a show on Spike called MANswers. A very educational show in which the philosophical life questions that men might have are answered in a careful, detailed, thought-provoking fashion.

The questions I was fortunate to see answered were “Is she a hooker or a cop?”  (MANswer: ask her to pose for nude photos); “How can I get drunk faster?” (MANswer:  Pour the alcohol into your anus.  No really.  That was part of the answer.  A medical doctor said to pour the alcohol directly into your anus.)  And finally, before I passed out from the lack of class that bitch-slapped my lights out, “How heavy do a woman’s boobs need to be to crush a beer can?”

I will search my whole life, unfailing, never tiring, without pause … for that answer.





13 Comments

  1. emstef23
    June 19, 2008 9:27 am

    Speaking of pigeons – did any see on KDKA morning news the birds that kept flying across the traffic cam? Jim Lokay was all “what’s up with the birds?” I was totally waiting for him to say, where’s PittGirl when you need her to choke a bitch! HAHA!



  2. Jim
    June 19, 2008 9:53 am

    In answer to the question, “How heavy do a woman’s boobs need to be to crush a beer can?”

    see Craigslist posting number 6 in the previous post.

    http://pittsburgh.craigslist.org/w4m/703597174.html



  3. bucdaddy
    June 19, 2008 10:02 am

    If anyone here tries the alcohol-anus trick, let me know how it works out.



  4. Marc
    June 19, 2008 10:14 am

    One of my roommate’s friends in college did that, he said it worked really well according to my roommate. I didn’t talk to him since a while before that incident so I couldn’t hear it firsthand. It makes sense though, you’re putting alchohol straight through your intestines, probably the closest thing you can do without mainlining it.



  5. spoon
    June 19, 2008 10:21 am

    Speaking on behalf of Should I Drink That, we do some pretty radical things with fermented beverages but the answer is no, we will not do the alcohol-anus trick. If you need to get a buzz that quick I suggest sucking active exhaust pipes, huffing butane or doing whip-its.

    MANswer sounds like a show for people who sleep with their sister and drink Bud.



  6. retiredguy
    June 19, 2008 10:40 am

    I believe that alcohol up the “hershey highway” can kill you. Something about it being absorbed directly into the blood stream.



  7. unsatisfied
    June 19, 2008 12:14 pm

    back in college, one of my roommate’s buds would come down to our room and proudly exhibit his fart-lighting expertise.

    he almost caught my bed on fire.

    reading the above, I think I’m glad that he didn’t pour alcohol into his anus first…..



  8. Rachel
    June 19, 2008 2:28 pm

    $600 worth of tape?! Just for the dress?!

    That’s enough money for…um…

    A prom dress! (or 4)



  9. back in the burgh
    June 19, 2008 3:42 pm

    Yea but for $600 she could win a sizable college scholarship if we all vote for her!!

    Craig’s List never ceases to amaze me … truly. As if the writing (or lack thereof) isn’t bad enough, the pictures … wow. Makes me happy to be married.



  10. Josh
    June 19, 2008 9:40 pm

    Yeah, awhile back a woman in Texas killed her husband (inadvertantly) giving him a sherry enema…



  11. Sarah
    June 20, 2008 8:30 am

    @Rachel – 600 is actually about what girls are paying for their all identical off the rack prom dresses now (if not more)

    So I say good for her. Not only might she win a scholarship for it, but she has a dress that no one else will have, AND since she is going to study fashion, she already has started her portfolio with a very unique piece.

    Then again, this is coming from a girl who went to her proms as a Moulin Rouge dancer and princess Jasmine, so maybe I’m biased.



  12. Insomniac
    June 20, 2008 9:21 pm

    If your sister has interest in bear – shark juxtaposition…

    http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail145.html

    This might amuse her.