Effin’.

I’m sick today with the fever and the chills and the headache and the sore throat and I blame it all on Tina Fey for bringing it with her from Texas. So I’m not just regular sick. I’m TEXAS sick. It’s bigger. It’s badder. Its accent is a bit annoying and hard to understand.

So forgive me if my snark/wit doesn’t have as much jalapeño sauce on it today as it should.

Can we talk pigeons and PETA and how much they both bug me?

LONDON, June 24 (Reuters) – Wimbledon came under fire from animal activists on Tuesday for using marksmen to shoot down dive-bombing pigeons.

The tournament employs two hawks to scare away pigeons who had become a pest swooping down on Centre Court and distracting players in the middle of tense matches.

But the hawks failed to keep the pigeons away from the players’ lawn and the open-air media restaurant so marksmen were called in.

“The hawks are our first line of deterrent, and by and large they do the job,” Wimbledon spokesman Johnny Perkins said.

“But unfortunately there were one or two areas where the hawks didn’t deter the pigeons, so it was deemed necessary to take a harder approach,” he explained.

The marksmen were summoned by Wimbledon as pigeon droppings on the restaurant tables were thought to be a health hazard.

The decision to call in the marksmen was condemned as “cruel and illegal behaviour” by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) which complained to the tournament organisers and the police.

“Since the use of marksmen to kill pigeons appears to have been carried out as a first, rather than a last resort, and not out of a concern for public health, but rather because the animals were deemed inconvenient by players, you appear to be in clear violation of the law,” PETA vice-president Bruce Friedrich said.

1. First, killing pigeons is not “cruel and illegal behaviour” when the pigeons are dive-bombing tennis players and pooping on dining tables. Getting rid of them is necessary and getting to kill them is just icing on the cake, really.

2. If I’m making this up, may the hand of God once again come down and bitch-slap me with Ebola on top of Texas Death that I’m currently suffering through, yesterday, the Family of PittGirl and all 6,230 children spent the afternoon at the Zoo where I’m pretty sure the gorilla mooned me on purpose. We headed to the eating area to get some ice cream and as I was feeding one of the children with a spoon, I felt a drop on my lap and looked down to see a white splotch. A splotch I assumed was ice cream falling from the spoon. So I swiped it away with my finger.

And then I realized ice cream isn’t usually this warm, this gooey, or this foul smelling. Hey. This isn’t ice cream. This is bird poop!

Even after I cleaned my hand with 42 baby wipes, I could still FEEL the poison on my finger. I might burn the skirt I was wearing. 6,230 people sitting around me and I’m the one that gets hit.

So Mr. PETA Friedrich, excuse me when I say that I don’t really care if they’re taking the birds out with bird shot, or with poison darts through the head, or if they’re having well-to-do British gentlemen in dress whites running out onto the courts and ripping their mothereffin’ heads off with extreme effin’ prejudice.

They’re getting what they deserve. And I only wish I could be there to witness it in person.

But I’m stuck here praying for the sweet release of death. And hoping that when it comes, there are no pigeons in heaven.

Because if there are, I am so screwed.

(h/t Honda Driver, Bill, JCL, Jen, Mark, Shannon, Derek, Steve, Christy, Arika, Different Steve, Kevin, Ruth Ann and Nolan. Hope I didn’t miss anyone!)





24 Comments

  1. unsatisfied
    June 25, 2008 9:50 am

    JCL….unsatisfied…it’s all the same to me, PG! ;-P

    as for PETA — this is yet another reason why I dislike them. evidently, no one in that organization has been dive bombed/shat upon by one of these useless winged rats.

    btw — has anyone from PETA come out and said anything about the dead bear yet? (enter eye roll here)



  2. Ex-Pat Pittsburgh Girl
    June 25, 2008 10:06 am

    Feel better PittGirl. Nothing worse than a summer cold/flu.



  3. maxtalbot
    June 25, 2008 10:15 am

    PittGirl, I’ve got the same insidious ailment. And I wasn’t even hanging about with Tina Fey and her Texas microbes. Bah. Feel better.



  4. JamieO
    June 25, 2008 10:15 am

    Hey! I mentioned the pigeon story at the end of my rip on the bear story!

    Anyway, hope you feel better.



  5. ark
    June 25, 2008 10:32 am

    PittGirl, I thought of you yesterday while I was sitting out in Mellon Square downtown. I watched some doof in a beater hand-feed pigeons. I mean hand-feed….he let them perch on his arm and hand while he fed them with the other hand and the rest of the dirty flock swarmed around him. It went on for almost my entire lunch hour. It was absolutely disgusting. Who coddles city rats??



  6. Amazon woman
    June 25, 2008 10:44 am

    Be happy you just got mooned. I saw a monkey beating off in the monkey house. A monkey spanking the monkey. Not making this up, pinky swear!



  7. chrys
    June 25, 2008 10:46 am

    Get Well Soon!!

    For the record.. I hate pigeons.. in fact I hate birds. yuk! LOL!



  8. julietc
    June 25, 2008 10:48 am

    Hey, can we get Burgh Baby on the blogroll?/



  9. Sparky
    June 25, 2008 10:53 am

    Amazon Woman…I had the same thing happen..must be the same randy monkey. I turned to look right at the peak time (if you know what I mean)… I was with my grandma…it was a little bit Awkward City.



  10. PittGirl
    June 25, 2008 10:53 am

    What. She’s not on there? That will be fixed.



  11. DeutschtownFrau
    June 25, 2008 12:20 pm

    Chrys — Please don’t hate all birds, just pigeons and any other feathered spawn of Satan we PG fans helpfully identify on this blog. (Such as baby-bird-eating bluejays. I watched one ripping apart another bird’s nestling once while the mother bird shrieked and cried. It was terrible.)

    Example of adorable bird behavior: After not filling my goldfinch feeder all winter, I resumed doing so a couple of weeks ago. Hadn’t seen any goldfinches in months (and not just because they turn from yellow to dull brown during the winter). It took about three days for word to spread through the bird kingdom that the cool upside-down feeder was up and running in Deutschtown and now it’s occupied by as many as four neon-colored birds at all times. And they apparently never poop.

    I waste a lot of time watching those birds… but pigeons suck.



  12. Bulldog
    June 25, 2008 12:43 pm

    feel better soon PG.



  13. MiamiShyner
    June 25, 2008 1:31 pm

    I hope this works for you and makes your day a little brighter. Nothing like Troy in a pool to make a girl smile. http://www.nfl.com/videos?videoId=09000d5d808feae0



  14. Evil Twin
    June 25, 2008 1:47 pm

    Thank you MiamiShyner. That video of Troy made my day!



  15. retiredguy
    June 25, 2008 1:49 pm

    So, do your nieces and nephews now call you “Aunt Poopyfinger”?



  16. osuisnumber1
    June 25, 2008 2:10 pm

    Pigeons do suck. I work and live in Baltimore now and one of my coworkers is currently investigating Pigeon birth control so that we can get rid of the pigeons in one of our public spaces.

    Also, did you see that one of the Cathedral of Learning falcons died? http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/08177/892284-53.stm?cmpid=MOSTEMAILEDBOX

    And, on another note, I know you are down on the Pirates now but you had to love that awesome win last night…



  17. Dan (Not Onarato)
    June 25, 2008 2:29 pm

    Feel better PG



  18. Ralph
    June 25, 2008 4:29 pm

    Hmm., did they feed them to the homeless after they shot them?



  19. Tony
    June 25, 2008 6:09 pm

    Feel better soon, PG… your legions are wishing you the best.



  20. PAGirlinFL
    June 25, 2008 7:06 pm

    osuisnumber1 – the folks in St. Paul, MN are preparing for the RNC with pigeon birth control….

    http://www.startribune.com/local/stpaul/20551544.html?location_refer=$urlTrackSectionName



  21. Different Brian
    June 25, 2008 8:01 pm

    From the article: “Wimbledon came under fire from animal activists […]”

    You know what else came under fire? The damn pigeons! Hahahahahaha!



  22. Jen
    June 25, 2008 9:51 pm

    eeeeeew! Pigeon poop on your FINGER? *gag*

    Sorry to hear you’re sick… my baby has it too. What is up with Summer Colds?? Should be illegal. I blame the pigeons.



  23. Burgh Baby
    June 25, 2008 10:11 pm

    Now I’m digging through photos just in case, just maybe, you were at the Zoo while we were at the Zoo. Not that I’ll know if I see you, but I might notice Tina Fey. Sadly, a hot chick freakin’ out about bird poop wouldn’t have gotten my attention. It happens too much in that food court. Stupid birds.



  24. aunt penny
    June 25, 2008 10:38 pm

    Another pigeon story.

    Prisoners at a jail got in trouble for growing pigeons and training them to go in and out with little backpacks…..wish I knew where, caught the tailend on the news…

    Get well soon, my cubie mate has the same disease plus three kiddos 5 and under…