Monthly Archives: July 2008
Sitting in Pens Fan’s living room yesterday after dinner, watching Fox Sports prior to the Pirates game and Daniel Sepulveda pops on the screen.
Father of PittGirl: Look. It’s your guy.
PittGirl: [throws herself to the carpet in mock despair at his injury]
Father of PittGirl: You really think he’s good looking?
Father of PittGirl: He’s ugly. Look at him.
Father of PittGirl: He’s not attractive.
PittGirl: [realizing her father might be senile] WHAT?!?!
Father of PittGirl: Look at his face! He looks like he went ten rounds with Mike Tyson. All puffy.
PittGirl: Oh, Dad. I have some pictures I could show you …
Father of PittGirl: Uh. No thanks.
Slightly later, as the Pirates game is about to begin, Pens Fan plops down on the couch next to me where I’m feeling the effects of a merlot-chased mojito, which, learn from my mistakes, y’all.
Pens Fan: Oh, PittGirl. I have never noticed, you know, what’s his name. Doug …
PittGirl: Doug Mientkiewicz.
Pens Fan: Right. Yesterday, he was up to bat and I really took a look at him and paid attention to him during the game …
Pens Fan: [Glancing toward her husband and then back to me to give me the I’d like to know Doug in the biblical sense of the word look] Oh my…
PittGirl: I hear you. I think it’s something about the way he wears his socks.
Pens Fan: No. It’s his forearms. There’s something about them. They’re so … [she stops herself, but I think she wants to make the nom nom nom sound]
[Suddenly, he flashes on the screen.]
PittGirl: Look! Socks. Mrowr.
Pens Fan: Arms. Hsssss.
Father of PittGirl: He’s ugly. Look at him!
PittGirl and Pens Fan: WHAT?!?!
Clearly, Burghers, Father of PittGirl has no concept of what women find attractive in men … socks and arms.
Of course, I’m pretty sure he thinks George Bush is the hottest man alive.
My facebook friend Nathan wrote:
My wife and I are in the process of relocating to Pittsburgh and I am looking for suggestions regarding affordable/trendy neighborhoods (my wife is more concerned about safe neighborhoods w/ access to Mass Transit) … any suggestions would be greatly appreciated .
I could write Nathan and make shit up about how I highly recommend Westhampsminstershire for its safeness or Derbyshirbingham for its proximity to mass transit … or I could accept that my knowledge of trendy/affordable/safe Burgh neighborhoods close to mass transit is limited and let you guys give some real suggestions.
I’m curious as to the responses because yeah, a trendy AND affordable AND safe AND mass transit-accessible neighborhood sounds too good to be true. I’d like to live there.
Ready? Set. Go.
1. I’m kind of ready for Fall. Don’t throw things at me. It’s just that yesterday I was getting caught up on So You Think You Can Dance (what?) and Kat Deely was wearing a long-sleeved black dress, and all I could think of was how excited I’ll be to pull out my black turtleneck sweaters and my do-me boots.
2. I feel sorry for teenagers going back to school this Fall, because according to the Macy’s windows, their only options for dress are Jonas Brothers’ inspired skinny-legged tight-crotched jeans with rocker shirts and scarves, or gear pulled straight from the Camp Rock movie … i.e. skinny-legged, tight-crotched jeans with rocker shirts and scarves.
3. Seeing this brought back memories of my strong desire to be Molly Ringwald in Pretty in Pink. I wanted that big drawer full of odd costume jewelry, a closet full of vintage pink clothing, a little pink car, red hair, fair skin, an eccentric best friend and a hot rich boy with a crush on me.
Instead, I honestly can’t recall a single day in high school that I wore any jewelry other than my Snoopy watch (for real). My standard mode of dress was jeans and whatever shirt was near the front of the closet. I rode the bus. My hair is brown. My skin is not even a little bit fair. My best friend was class valedictorian. And the exchange student from Denmark had a crush on me.
4. If you haven’t already, go check out the two episodes of Pittsburgh: The Turkish Television Series at T&A. There’s even a “move forward” shout-out. But you’re not allowed to drink. That’s in violation of the rules. Lushes.
5. You may not drink at this either:
Mayor Luke Ravenstahl said in a statement. “Working with the community and stakeholders to move projects such as the Oakhill and Arena developments forward is creating a natural economic development surge, attracting private investment into this historic neighborhood.”
You see how sneaky that was? Putting more than five words in between the move and the forward? Game on.
7. Julie Bologna is back at WPXI and I’m being scolded for not talking about it, but here’s the thing, I’ve always been very meh about her. I guess she deserves a second look and I promise to do that so that I can understand why boys are so in love with her. More later on that.
8. Lukey named the new team of workers in charge of cleaning up the business districts the Hokey Team and I want to find a hammer to bash my skull in.
OMG! Did you see today’s Post-Gazette. Page B-1? Right smack there on the cover of the local section? It’s like a 5 by 7 full color photo of that awesome piece of art you painted on the steps to the Carnegie Library! And the title of the photo? “Graffiti writer paints poetic.”
Not, “Loser vandal vandalizes prestigious library” or “Rash of graffiti upsets locals” or “Police promise to crack down on graffiti after vandals strike library.”
No! You’ve been branded a “writer” and a “poet”.
You’re not just an artist anymore, you’re now a badass poet and I can guaran-effin’-tee it that the entire city of Pittsburgh is just dying to know who you are. This city eats that anonymous shit right up. Look at PittGirl!
You’re now a hero to the entire street-art community! This is why we do what we do. The chance to be famous. To be somebody. The chance to see our art in the newspaper and to have that newspaper speak to college literature professors about what our motivation might have been for that particular choice of a quote.
And more importantly, the entire city is now waiting with bated breath for when is it that you grace them again with your carefully chosen words.
I mean, now that you’re famous, you can’t let them down. Your next piece has got to be bigger and better. Can I suggest painting T.S. Eliot’s “I think we are in rats’ alley, where the dead men lost their bones” on the steps leading up to the City/County Building?
As you’ve heard, my imaginary self-united husband Daniel Sepulveda has a torn ACL that will cause him to miss the entire 2008 football season.
Yesterday, I spent a good part of the evening sitting on the couch with his head in my lap while he read quietly from the book of Job and the other husbands did their best to cheer him up.
David Conrad was all, “Forsooth. I cannot blame thee now to weep; for such an injury would vex a very saint.”
Matt Lamanna chimed in with, “You know, in prehistoric times, dinosaurs were known to suffer from an inflammatory joint disease in their knees called spondyloarthropathy, which is super interesting because …”
And then just as I was giving them both the my God, shut up look, Doug Mientkiewicz burst into the room, grabbed hold of his own shirt and ripped it asunder for no reason, then was all, “What the hell are you all doing just sitting around?! We have work to do! Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!”
Then he sports-slapped us all on our butts.
Oh, did I forget to tell you I self-united to Dougy, too?
Yeah. It has been very … shouty.