My wish for you.

Sitting in my living room watching the Buccos of Suckitude game last night with my BIL who had just come from the hospital where Pens Fan Sister is currently laid up with Texas Death (and you all thought I was exaggerating how awful Texas Death is. She was hospitalized because they were afraid her throat was going to close up. But it’s okay. She’s on morphine. Yay, her!)

BIL: So … Marian Hossa.

PG: You know when Jaromir Jagr left way back when, I didn’t hate him, not even with his “I’m die-wahhhh-ing alive here” crap. I never spoke badly of him. Never hated him. I hate Marian Hossa.

BIL: I don’t wish him ill. I don’t want him to get injured. I want him to have the season of his life with Detroit. I want them to go to the Stanley Cup Finals and I want him to choke. You know why? Karma.

PG: I’ll drink to him getting some karma shoved up his ass. Pass me my Zima.

So yeah, Marian Hossa chose Detroit over the Pens, as he said he would do. He just didn’t name teams before. He said he’d take less money to play for a winner. Problem is we all assumed that he meant the Penguins.

He did not.

I hate him. I could handle it if he left for money, for a long term contract, for anything OTHER than just leaving because he doesn’t think he can win with us. It’s an insult.

I hate him.

[inhale]

I hope his hair never lays down right.

I hope his collar always rubs against his neck wrong.

I hope his jeans are always scratchy, his deodorant always sticky, and his girlfriend always bitchy.

I hope he takes a laxative and then can’t get his pantyhose off. (tm Golden Girls)

I hope his ass never stops itching, his faucet never stops leaking, and his nose never stops running.

I hope he gets a corn hull stuck in his throat for days and can’t get it out no matter how much he goes “KGGGKKKKKKK.”

I hope his car gets keyed, his house gets TP’d and his wallet gets stolen.

I hope he grows man-boobs and ear hair.

I hope he can’t ever get it up.

I hope his Windows crashes with abandon.

I hope he is regularly noogied, wedgied and Indian-burned.

I hope he never ever dreams that he can fly.

I hope his girlfriend leaves him for Tom Brady.

I hope he skates poorly, trips often and sneezes much.

I hope he hits his funny bone with force.

I hope his dog pees in his skates and I hope his cat barfs hairballs into his cereal.

I hope the sticky notes never stick for him, the lights never change for him and the ProActiv never works for him.

And finally, I hope Sidney Crosby skates right past him with the Cup hoisted high above his head, and I hope Sid winks.

[exhale]





29 Comments

  1. MiamiShyner
    July 3, 2008 8:41 am

    But PG, how do you REALLY feel?



  2. unsatisfied
    July 3, 2008 8:52 am

    disappointment — that is something that I can understand. but, not sure that I understand all the hate. I mean, we’re not talking barry bonds here — he EARNED all of his hate.

    athletes do this stuff all the time — say one thing, do another. unfortunately, a lot of people in society do that — just look around our city and county government or don barden, for example.

    no one really expected hossa to stay in pittsburgh when we traded for him last season. it’s the way it goes. and, I can’t blame him for going to the team that beat us for the cup this year. while the pens have a great team environment (as far as one can tell), I’m sure detroit does as well — being cup winners n’all.

    but, I’m also ok with detroit getting their red wings clipped by the sid and malky crew next season.



  3. Geno minion
    July 3, 2008 9:17 am

    So number 1, kharma is a bitch and I can’t wait till Hossa gets what’s coming to him (perhaps Sid and JAGR skating by him with the Cup hoisted over their heads next year).

    Number 2, how are the Red Wings still under their salary cap?

    Number 3, to unsatisfied: yea people in sports do this all the time, but I think the reason that it pisses people off that Hossa did it is b/c he acted like he cared about the Pens as much as Sid and Geno and then threw that fake love back in their faces. I mean he said he would take a pay cut to be on a winning team. So is he saying that he doesn’t think the Pens can win next year? Does he not believe in Sid and their line? I mean, like PG said, it’s one thing if the Red Wings offered him a lot more money than we did or a long term contract. But that’s not the case. ERRRR!



  4. Brother Anthony
    July 3, 2008 9:23 am

    I hope he considers signing with the Pens as a free agent next year.



  5. Geno minion
    July 3, 2008 9:27 am

    Just read this on ESPN.com:

    The Penguins reportedly offered Hossa $7 million per year for as few as five years or as long as seven years. Instead, he took Detroit’s $7.4 million, one-year offer because he felt the Red Wings offered the best chance to win the Stanley Cup next season.

    “I feel like Detroit is the team,” said Hossa, who had 12 goals and 14 assists in the playoffs while playing on Crosby’s line.

    After the Stanley Cup finals last month, Hossa said he was willing to play at a discount to stay in Pittsburgh and challenge again for the Cup.



  6. Brian
    July 3, 2008 9:43 am

    Brother Anthony, he’s never, ever coming back. And for the reason he cited yesterday for leaving, I don’t want him back. But hey, Orpik stayed, and that’s so awesome.



  7. Amanda
    July 3, 2008 9:46 am

    Wow… that’s a very impressive list. I can tell you’ve really been thinking about this, PG.

    I think you might have crossed the line with the itchy ass… just sayin’.



  8. unsatisfied
    July 3, 2008 9:50 am

    Geno minion — I feel your pain. but, how much BS do sports organizations give to players? it’s a nasty two-way street.

    and, if jagr does come back to the pens, I wonder how all of the so-called fans who booed him, called him an a little bitch, proclaimed interesting qualities about his mother, etc. will react. hmmmmmm…..

    in better news — sounds like the new fleury contract is coming along…..



  9. Cari
    July 3, 2008 9:51 am

    The Wings are still under their salary cap because the players are willingly taking pay cuts to stay with the team. They know what a special hockey team they have and they want to stay with it. So they take pay cuts to do so.

    You notice the Penguin players aren’t doing that. Maybe if they did, they’d keep their team intact and beat the pants off whoever they play in the finals next year.



  10. A Model Citizen
    July 3, 2008 9:56 am

    Sad to see him go, but was it that big of a suprise? At least it wasn’t to the Rangers.

    Oh and Geno Minion, as for how the Wings are under the Cap. the Wings have a suprisingly young team and most are still on rookie contracts.
    Plus thats the only reason the Wings offered a 1 year deal (which they apperently didn’t think he’d actually take), they can’t afford him after that due to escalating contracts of the younger players



  11. Alison
    July 3, 2008 9:57 am

    unstisfied– where did you hear about fleury? i’ve been keeping an eye on that but haven’t heard any new infomation.

    I’m more willing to have Jagr back then Hossa now. but at the same time, could Jagr be led by Crosby(who he called a diver, etc.)?



  12. James
    July 3, 2008 10:00 am

    No, the Wings are under the cap because their star players didn’t become stars until after they signed their last contract and they still have a few more years on the current ones. So they didn’t have to sign them all this year. And Hasek retired, so they don’t have to pay his contract next year. That freed up some room.



  13. James
    July 3, 2008 10:01 am

    yeah what model citizen said. that didn’t show up until after i hit submit



  14. Sean
    July 3, 2008 10:03 am

    I would take out the girlfriend leaving him for Tom Brady part. My disgust with Hossa will probably lessen with time, Brady on the other hand….



  15. joey
    July 3, 2008 10:10 am

    Can’t say I have any hate for Hossa. The NHL is a business. The Pens’ only intended to rent him for the season.

    And I’m not so sure that he made a bad choice if his goal is to win a cup.



  16. unsatisfied
    July 3, 2008 10:20 am

    Alison – from the PG website today:

    “Ray Shero is in the market for a No. 1 right winger.

    A couple of other top-six forwards, too. Along with a few guys who have some grit — and perhaps even a little malice aforethought — to labor on the Penguins’ third and fourth lines.

    But he won’t have to go looking for a No. 1 goalie because the framework of a contract that will keep Marc-Andre Fleury in that role for years is largely in place.”

    I’d put the link on, but PG’s blog gets angry and doesn’t like it when I do — and, you wouldn’t like it when it’s angry! ;-)

    and, how about some love for orpik staying around, huh?



  17. Alison
    July 3, 2008 10:34 am

    unsatisfied– thank you! i dont know how i would deal with out flower. and as for orpik, he got all the love i could muster yesterday. I was at work when i found out and screamed “YES! THANK YOU!” in a dead silent office.

    i got some funny looks.



  18. Dan (Not Onarato)
    July 3, 2008 10:36 am

    Hossa will try to win a cup in Detroit next year and if he does THATS when he’ll go after the big money for long term for somewhere…

    Did I want hossa to stay? Yup
    Did I think he would? Nope
    Do I want his underwear to chafe? You bet
    Will I lose sleep over this? Nope
    Should Sid wink at Hossa when he skates around with the cup? Abso-freakin-lutley

    Have a good holiday PG!



  19. Becky
    July 3, 2008 10:48 am

    I love the last one…so want that to happen



  20. jmarie
    July 3, 2008 5:58 pm

    Amen Sister!!!!!!!!!

    U go girl! Everything u said I sooooo wanted to say…..but you are so much better at it.

    Did ya hear. We have satan on our team. I’ve always hated satan. Oh it’s not that satan. I still never liked him…………lol

    Ok where’s naslund and jagr. I’m starting to like those rumours better than reality.

    jmarie



  21. Custard
    July 3, 2008 6:03 pm

    Nasland signed with the Rangers.



  22. lovesthenorthside
    July 3, 2008 7:50 pm

    who cares how it’s pronounced, how great is it that we have satan on our team?



  23. bucdaddy
    July 4, 2008 12:24 am

    Fleury = 7 years/$35 mil



  24. Still A. Fan
    July 4, 2008 5:33 am

    i think collar rubbing the neck the wrong way is the best one



  25. Me
    July 4, 2008 8:11 am

    The last one! The last one! Besides, karma has already gotten him a bit — he has to live in Detroit… ;)



  26. deebee
    July 4, 2008 12:40 pm

    I hope Detriot has a big jaggerbush near the sidewalk on the way into the rink and he get scratched by it everyday.



  27. bucdaddy
    July 4, 2008 8:40 pm

    Jaggerbush! My thumb had an encounter with one while I was berry-picking the other day, still sore.



  28. Slidetuba
    July 5, 2008 11:09 am

    I want to treat Marian Hossa like Manchester United fans treat Liverpool fans.. check it out..

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vy2mAaLFF2Q

    IMO, Hossa is a f*%^&@g Scouse Git, and needs beaten with and Iron City Aluminum Bottle..



  29. Sofa King
    July 7, 2008 9:47 am

    Ha! Awesome list…great laugh for a miserable back-to-work Monday.

    I was a little disappointed and betrayed by Hossa’s treachery, but ultimately I am pretty excited by how well the team weathered free agency. Shero re-signed our “talented young core” all to fairly long-term deals for well under what they might be able to fetch on the open market, and we picked up a time-tested winger in Satan. I have a feeling that before it’s all said and done, he’ll do a little wheeling and dealing to bring another marquee winger here before the trade deadline next February, and I think that a similar long-term agreement with Staal is a foregone conclusion.

    Sure, it sucks that we lost Malone, Roberts, Conklin, and Laraques, but let’s face it- Roberts is way past his prime and should be considering retirement. Laraques is a great fighter, but so is Godard, and Malone and Conklin have had flashes of brilliance, but are largely unproven variables in the equation.

    I was definitely a little worried about Shero’s bargaining abilities going into free agency, but coming out on the other end, I think he deserves at least an A-.